From out of the blue the United States Department of Agriculture’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion called me recently with a flattering offer. “Hello, Neil? This is Dudley Eatright. I’m Chief Down-The-Gullet Officer at the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. You’ve come to our attention through channels that I’m not authorized to divulge, but I assure you that they are nutritious and delicious.”
“Neil, we here at CFNPAP have learned about your mega-healthy lifestyle. Why, when we found out about your long-time devotion to Mr. Spock’s Vulcan vegan diet, and about the triathlons that you compete in weekly at your, shall I say, quite mature age, we were more than impressed. We were floored. You’re pushing 70 yet have the vitality of a supremely fit 25 year old. How do you do it? — I’m very pressed for time, so please don’t answer that.”
“Neil, here’s why I’m calling: You are a model of remarkably sensible, possibly extreme living. And the citizens of our great land should know about you. They should hear from you. That’s why we here at CFNPAP want to make you the poster boy for the benefits derived from consuming lots and lots of fruits and vegetables and grains. Despite our best efforts, Americans continue to chow down heavily on Slim Jims, Tostidos and Philadelphia cheesesteak sandwiches. Neil, we feel that you’re the guy to enlighten them about what foods they should be shoving into their maws. Michelle Obama has tried, but her success rate hasn’t been so terrific, now has it? And since she’ll be exiting the national spotlight in a matter of months we want a new face to promote healthy eating habits. Neil, please say you’ll help us out. The USA needs you, pal!”
Wow! I was stunned. For years I had made every effort to keep my dietary regimen and athletic pursuits little-known. Only my family and friends, I thought, were aware of my Vulcan veganism. And as for the triathlons that I am addicted to, I always enter under a pseudonym and always wear a Lone Ranger-type mask to further obscure my identity. Whenever a race official has questioned my donning of a face mask, my retort has been short and precise: “Yo, kemosabe! Back the fu*k off!” That never fails to work.
And yet CFNPAP found me out and tracked me down. And to tell you the truth I didn’t mind. It will be great to guide my fellow citizens along pathways leading to outstanding health. And to boost national consumption of plant life.
“I’m aboard!” I said a tad too loudly to Dudley Eatright. “I’m your man.”
“I knew I could count on you, Neil. Thank you so very much.”
“There’s only one thing, Dudley,” I said. “And maybe you can work this out for me. You see, fresh blueberries and peaches are my fave fruits. I eat ungodly amounts of them. But in the USA their harvests are over for the year and the supplies are dwindling fast. Why, the other day at my local supermarket’s produce department I couldn’t believe how near to barren the domestic blueberry and peach shelves were. It brought tears to my eyes. I even took some photos so I’d have something to remember my friends by. And yeah, I know that blueberry crops from South America will arrive in our stores any day now, with peaches soon to follow. But their prices always are outrageous. Dudley, the federal government stockpiles oil and gold and nuclear warheads. Am I wrong in assuming that it also stashes away sizeable amounts of USA-grown blueberries and peaches? Level with me, Dudley. I want the truth!”
There was a long pause. Then Dudley spoke. “Yes, Neil. Your analysis is accurate. I can’t begin to describe the quantities of blueberries and peaches that are being kept fresh and delectable in temperature-controlled, hermetically-sealed secret underground chambers. President Obama and his cabinet members, Senators, Congresswomen, Congressmen, top military brass . . . they all demand fresh peaches and blueberries year-round for their bowls of corn flakes and shredded wheat. And, patriots that they are, they’ll eat only those grown on American shores. Needless to say, the Department of Agriculture is proud to give them what they want. Neil, what’s your angle?”
“You can guess, Dudley. Starting tomorrow I expect daily deliveries to my door of blueberries and peaches from the government’s cache. Then, all will be well.”
“This can be arranged, Neil, no problem. Is there anything else?”
“That’s it, Dudley. I’m easy to please. And might I add that it has been a pleasure speaking with you. I am flattered and honored to be tapped to serve my country. Let the fruits and vegetables and grains campaign begin!”
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Yeah, Another Blogger 
Wow, Michelle would be proud of you!
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Yes, I expect to hear from her soon.
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Funny!
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Thanks, Joyce.
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That’s quite a story you wound around the produce aisle. WE can ship you Canadian wild blueberries….
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I’ll take all the blueberries that I can get!
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Made me happy this morning. I’m noticing a drop in blueberries too. Can you forward a crate or two to me too?
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Janet, it will be my pleasure.
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Having spent last night watching the movie Snowden, the idea of any government agency tracking anyone down for any reason is a little eerie.
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Many eyes and ears are following us, including those of Dudley Eatright!
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Enjoyed your funny foray into (nutrition) science fiction…am now searching for photographic evidence of you eating burgers…know it must exist somewhere.
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Not possible, Liz!
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Congratulations on this honor! (Cheetos are a vegetable, right??)
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I’ll have to check Mr. Spock’s Vulcan vegan writings to get the answer to your question.
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That’s wonderful – someone needs to provide a counterbalance for all the nonsense spouted about humans needing to eat other living creatures to get enough protein and be healthy. As a lifelong vegetarian (can’t call myself vegan because I wear leather shoes and boots and eat butter), I am very healthy at 60 and am on no medication. Hardly ever see a doctor – in fact if I see one coming, I run in the opposite direction.
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Hi. Glad you liked this story. It’s a goofy riff on a number of things, including myself. In reality, I’m not a vegan or vegetarian, though I do believe that people should live healthy lifestyles.
Thanks very much for reading and commenting.
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Oh well that is me all over! If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you will find my name😀.
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My name will be found next to yours. I can be gullible too.
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Oh sure, Neil. I suppose you’re not eating produce, particularly fresh blueberries and peaches, your filling up your empty spaces with foods high in fiber like brown rice, farro and quinoa. And surely sugar never crosses your lips.
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I forgot to mention in this story that I’ll soon be the national spokesperson for the farro and quinoa growers. And possibly the kale growers too.
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When the blackberries are ripe I pick them all and freeze. With ripe grapes I make grape juice or syrup (mix with hot water for winter drinking). What’s wrong with freezing fresh blueberries for winter meals? Avoid mushy frozen fruit by freezing individual tomatoes, berries or fruit spread out on a cookie sheet or flat pan, then fill bags after fruit is frozen.
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Hi. Thanks for the info. I’ll give it a try.
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You’re hilarious. Perhaps you’re even crazier than I am. Love your writing — we all need this kind of humour. Muriel Kauffmann
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Many thanks, Muriel.
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This story was so enjoyable that I’ll forgive you for not being vegetarian—for now! 🙂
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Well, I don’t eat any beef/poultry/fish on about half the days each year. So, I’m halfway to becoming a vegetarian. Maybe some day I’ll go the full distance! (not likely).
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Vulcan vegan diet 🙂 Enjoyed this piece. I love fresh blueberries and peaches too. Funny.
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Hi, Maria. Thanks for stopping by.
I’ll have some blueberries as part of my breakfast this morning. What a great fruit.
I’ll be seeing you —–
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I never cease to be amazed, Neil, by the sway you have over people of influence 🙂 there must be something in your genes 🙂
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I can’t divulge my secret!
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Have you’ve still been getting those supplies of peaches and blueberries, I wonder? It surely would have been a godsend knowing that you could rely on them, during lockdown. I hope there was no danger that you’d be forced to become a fruitarian – unless that’s where you’re heading.
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Plenty of peaches and blueberries so far this summer. And they’ve been delicious!
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