Ah, it’s a comfortable day. Inside my house, that is. Outside, the temperature is an ass-nipping 23° F, too frigging cold for my refined tastes, as I begin to type yet another woozy sort of essay. Tight and controlled, not woozy, would be preferable, seeing that my membership status in The American Association Of Pseudo Writers has been on very shaky ground for awhile now, courtesy of Donnie Trump. If TAAOPW boots me out I’ll be required, per the organization’s guidelines, to put my blog in the deep freeze. And then what will I do with all of the time and energy I devote to blogging? Plea over and over with Cheez-Its’ parent company (Kellogg’s) to hire me as national spokesperson for the crispy, orange wonders that are my fave snack food? Go after the world record for consecutive minutes spent compulsively cleaning a clothes dryer’s lint filter (the current record is 368 minutes)? Well, I’d come up with something. No doubt about that. But I’d rather continue blogging.
As I mentioned, Donnie Trump, another orange wonder, is the cause of my current worries. Talk about a thin-skinned guy. I mean, did I say anything all that bad about him in the story I wrote in November (click here to read it)? How’d he even find out about that piece in the first place, considering that mine is one of the least-read publications on our globe? It must have been his private intelligence network that uncovered me. Man, they’re good. After all, it took them only — what? — six years to determine that Obama’s American birth certificate is legit? Impressive. Donnie sure knows how to surround himself with the best of the best.
Donnie’s discovering my November story is one thing. But his going after its virtually unknown author is another. How’d you like your incoming president throwing lightning bolts at you? No more than I do, I guarantee you. Totally predictably he complained about me on Twitter (“Neil Scheinin lies. And when he’s done lying he lies some more. Not fair. Unworthy of an American journalist.”). He forced my alma mater, The University of South Hoboken, to reduce my grade point average by 25 percent retroactively, nearly five decades after my graduation. And, worst of all, he put the heavy shoulder to TAAOPW, ordering them, if they know what’s good for them, to monitor my every blog story meticulously. I haven’t fared too well in that review process, TAAOPW so informed me. Where, then, will my second Trump opus land me?
That question is a heavy one. In hopes of lightening its answers I have decided to reach out to Donnie Trump, whom, as my November article explains, I knew many moons ago on a high school debate team for which he starred and for which I sat in the wings as the fifth alternate. I spoke with Donnie in writing that piece, our first conversation in eons. Bear with me as I look up his phone number and try to reach him again. Dum dum duh dum dum . . . the phone is ringing. And still ringing. And, yes! I have him on the line.
“This is Donald. Make this fast, whoever you are. The toilet in the master bedroom is leaking. I’m expecting a plumber to get here any minute now.”
“It’s Neil Scheinin, Donnie. The fifth alternate. The guy whose life you’re wrecking. What’s the deal, dude? Where’s your heart, man?”
“What, you again? Don’t you have lawyers? If you’ve got a gripe with me, they should be the ones handling the situation. Not a loser like you.”
“Donnie, I’m here to appeal to your better side, the one you show to Putin. Listen, I can handle your delusional tweet. And I don’t care about my GPA. It was embarrassingly low to begin with. But trying to kick me out of blogging? That’s going too far, man. I dig writing, Donnie, and my blog is where I deposit the written word, where I express myself creatively. Without my blog my life will be an even emptier shell than it already is.”
“Fifth alternate, I could care less about your happiness or your sense of fulfillment. You wronged me, fifth alternate. You wronged me. Maybe you forgot that I’m a firm believer in retribution. That’s why Sergio Leone and Quentin Tarantino are my favorite directors. Fifth alternate, one of my administration’s goals is to take down your blog within the first 100 days that I’m in office. Without a doubt I can do it. Those nitwits who run The Pseudo Writers Association, or whatever they call it, are playing ball. Once the plumber fixes the toilet and leaves I’m going to get in touch with them again and hammer the nail home. Loser, your blog is history. What’s that rat-a-tat-a-tatting that I hear in the background, by the way?”
“That’s my fingers typing away, Donnie. I’m transcribing this conversation as we speak. Anything else you’d like to add?”
“Shove it, you piece of sh . . . ”
Readers, before he could finish that thought I hung up on our president-elect. For the second time in recent months I might add. My fingers continue to type. This story, I’d say, is now complete. In seconds I will hit the Publish button. After you have read the article, I ask you to petition TAAOPW on my behalf. In the end your efforts might outweigh Donnie’s influence, allowing this humble, woozy blog to continue its run. It’s never too late to try and stop Trump. Thank you very much.
Yeah, Another Blogger 
I’m going to print out copies of this report to take with me to the San Francisco Women’s March, eliciting signatures to the TAAOPW petition. We’re going to have to stand up to our president on a dizzying number of fronts. Write on.
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Unfortunately, the Trump era begins two days from now.
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Did you say, “never to late”? After Friday, I’m afraid it is. Kudos to the women who will be on the march. I’ll be watching!
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As many people as possible need to do whatever it takes.
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Wow! Dead impressed you have a hot line to the top man.
After reading that sentence I think that the word top should be in inverted commas.
Also the word man.
Btw, I’ve nominated you for the mystery blogger award. Check out my post on it.
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Hi, Martin.
I’ll look at your post in a little while.
I was involved with an award last year, and it ended up being a time-consuming thing for me. Because of that, I might not be able to follow through with the Mystery Blogger Award. I mean no disrespect in saying that. I totally appreciate your thinking of me.
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No worries. I nominated your blog because I think it’s great. Your under no oblIgation to take it any further.
All the best
M
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So sorry about the TAAOPW thing, Neil. But look at the bright side: he hasn’t name-dropped you in one of his tweets, nor asked for your birth certificate, and there are still no oil rigs on Cape Cod (at least, I don’t think so). Hang in there!
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With Trump, you never know what’s going to happen. He’s unique, and not in a good way.
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Loved this piece! You definitely captured LittleFinger’s temperament!
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Hi Kim. Glad you liked this story. I have no good feelings about what’s to come with Donne T.
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Love the photos you got of him…..oy vey!
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“Oy vey” is right.
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I enjoyed reading this. You write so well. And I admire your skill.
I do wonder if you were kidding about cleaning the clothes dryer’s lint filter? I thought I was the only person who did that! It used to be a time consuming chore until I purchased a dryer cleaner extender hose from amazon. It works great.
I look forward to reading your next post– you are unstoppable!
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Hi, Akwelle. Glad you liked this piece.
Yeah, I was just kidding around with the lint filter.
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Oh my goodness! So I
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Oops! So I am the only person cleaning their dryer lint filter!
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It’s OK!
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Thank you for my laugh-out-loud today.
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Hi, Janet. Glad you got a few laughs. Trump is a joke (a bad joke, sadly).
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Love your comparison of Trump to Cheez-Its (“another orange wonder”)! My rhyming dictionary has another suggestion: “the orange blunder.”
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Hi, Cindy. Your description of him is a lot better than mine.
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Have you considered being a speech writer for the not -my- president- elect, Donnie T.? Your scripts could hopefully change the course of his -story.
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Sherri, I nominate you for that job!
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I wrote to you before that you won your first debate with the pwesident-elect. This time it seems he has gotten to you. Have faith, blog friend. He may have mastered twitter – but I am willing to bet that this 70 year old man doesn’t know what a blog is. I think you are safe.
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When it comes to freedom of the press, and to the concept of having an open press, I don’t trust Trump for a nanosecond. I see virtually nothing good to look forward to in those, and just about every way, while Trump is in office.
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Just out of curiosity – do your see a connection between bloggers and journalists when it comes to freedom of the press?
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Well, I’m not smart enough to comment too deeply on this type of thing. I’ll say, though, that blogging is a term that, to me, implies a limited scope. But I don’t look at blogging as having a limited scope. The subjects that people write about in blogs are the same, generally, as what I see in magazines and newspapers. So-called bloggers are expressing their feelings and beliefs, and/or trying to get to the bottom of things, just like “journalists.” To me, blogs are part of the press. Freedom applies to all.
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Actually, I think you’ve got him on the run from your Spotlight of Truth. This is why he’s already announced that he won’t be living in the White House full time. He’s got to keep moving so you can’t find him. (Unrelated note: Have you tried the Bacon & Cheddar Cheez-Its? Holy cow!)
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Hi Brian.
Trump is the worst. An abusive, regressive, half-crazed fool. He will damage this country, and the world, tremendously. Even though he lost the popular vote, it’s sad to know that huge numbers of people in the USA voted for him, and for many other rigid, ultra right-wing Republicans. I’ll never understand the human race.
Changing the subject to Cheez-Its, the only new variety I’ve tried is Extra Toasty, which I like a lot. I’ll give bacon/cheddar a try. Thanks for the tip.
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I’m completely with you on your Trumpets. The truly astonishing part is how many people voted for him and his ilk. It’s going to take a lot of hard work to bring the pendulum back this way. But I’m retired and I’ve got the time. Bring it.
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I guess I read this too late
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No, it’s important for all of us normal people to throw as many roadblocks as possible n the way of Trump and his collaborators.
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So true. I’ll see what I can do then 😉
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Neil, the only incredible part of your piece is that you were fifth alternate in that debating team – I can’t believe that!
Look, we did hear vaguely over here about your place being run by some crazed right wing populist bozo – I think it was on the inside back page under the soccer results – but fear not, I have a plan. Over here we have a loose (in every sense) association known as Scots Openly Blogging Sketchily (S.O.B.S) and, although I no longer hold office, I can still pull strings and get you in if you’re thrown out of the TAAOPW.
S.O.B.S entrance requirements are pretty sketchy in themselves, and your visit to Edinburgh forty or so years ago – and in particular, your brief sojourn in Henderson’s Salad Bar – should swing it (many of the S.O.B.S are vegetarians, which was a factor in my being demitted from office after the infamous Chorizo Incident).
More generally, I hear a lot of you guys are trying to get over the border to Canada, but as an alternative, it’s a relatively short boat trip to Scotland. Don’t worry about the leaving Europe thing incidentally – our glorious leaders have a plan involving digging a big trench north of Carlisle, floating us off from the rest of the UK, and paddling like crazy for the Continental mainland. I’m hoping we make landfall off North West Spain (Galicia’s very nice, and they all think they’re Celtic) but it’s more likely to be Belgium.
Just in case. We’re (generally) pro immigration up here…
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Andrew, I really appreciate your looking out for me. And I’m intrigued by the plan to set Scotland afloat, if necessary. I’ve heard good things about Galicia.
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So I took a petition in support of you and your blog of merit to the local Safeway, stood out in the snow for hours, and collected three signatures. ButnI’m worried one might not be accepted because the man was drunk and just scribbled. I’ll try again tomorrow. If I thaw out by then.
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I appreciate your efforts! Gracias, Janet.
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Loved this! With so many of us living with constant low grade dread, it’s good to get a laugh in now and again.
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Hi, Dianne. Thanks a lot for adding your thoughts.
My dread isn’t low grade, to tell you the truth. It’s pretty high grade. Trump is the pits.
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He doesn’t like me either. I count myself among the luckiest.
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Trump’s a nightmare that keeps getting worse and worse.
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Not to worry, if his Trumpness banishes you from his empire, you are welcome here in Canada where madness does not reign. I’ll even put you and your family up in Vancouver. Right on. Muriel Kauffmann
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Thanks, Muriel.
You’re correct when you use the word madness. Trump is the worst.
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Well done,
Sorry I’m just now seeing this.
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Hey, I’ve missed you. Thanks for tuning in.
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