Magnificent and valued readers, do not be alarmed by the title of this opus. It is not being published posthumously. Yours truly, a vaguely trustworthy septuagenarian, thankfully has not yet reached his expiration date, and hopefully that date won’t arrive for at least 20 years. But, as with pretty much everything in life, who the f*ck knows?
Almost inconsequentially though, the title does pertain to an opened box of pasta that had been sitting in one of my kitchen cabinets since 2006, give or take a year. My wife Sandy and I finally got around to tossing it a couple of weeks ago. Prior to that we hadn’t paid any attention to the box, which is what it deserved, as lousy-tasting as the pasta was the one and only time we prepared it back then.
We’d purchased the pasta, known as Barilla Plus, because Sandy was somewhat down on regular wheat products and was all for multi-this-and-that concoctions. Barilla Plus was the latter, what with lentils, chick peas, oats, spelt (what the hell is spelt?), barley and flaxseed comprising major parts of the dough. One night we cooked and ate the stuff, probably covering it with a good tomato sauce. It bit the big one, to resurrect a phrase that was popular on my Vermont college campus during the hippie era. Or, to put it another way, the pasta sucked, its flavor remarkably strange and unappealing.
As far as expiration dates are concerned, Barilla Plus’s was long ago. The box said the pasta would be best if used by September 2007. Being generous by adding two or three years to that, I estimate that the true expiration date (the date on which the product in effect died) took place no later than in 2010. Well, our box of Barilla Plus at last has been buried, with no mourners present, in wherever it is that my township dumps its residents’ garbage.
However, there is more to this essay than a frigging box of pasta. A lot more. Because when it comes to mourners, Sandy and I came close to tears when we bid goodbye last month to our 2012 Hyundai Elantra. The vehicle, cute and comfortable and totally to our liking, had only 45,000 or so miles on it when, in early August, it was rear-ended two miles from our home by a careless driver. I wasn’t in the car when the collision took place. Only Sandy was, and the extremely good news is that she was unhurt.
Not so for the Hyundai, whose rear sections crumpled like tissue paper. Man, the car looked bad, but it was drivable. And fixable, we assumed. We drove it home, and there the victim sat for a day or two in our driveway till arrangements were made, via our insurance company, to have it towed to a collision repair shop.
Well, no point going into all the details. The bottom line is that the insurance company ultimately decided that the cost of repairs was more than the car was worth. We’d be sent a check, for the car’s value as if it were undamaged, said the claim handler. And that’s why, two weeks after the accident, Sandy and I went to the collision shop to clear out our belongings from the Elantra.
Pitiful baby . . . that car had been awfully good to us. I found it hard to believe that I’d never again sit behind its steering wheel while its motor was running. On the shop’s grounds, Sandy and I emptied the car and hung around for longer than we’d expected. We patted the car, looked at it longingly, and silently remembered the many good times we’d had in places to which our Hyundai had taken us. Shit, that big hunk of metals and plastics and fabrics was dear to our hearts. I hadn’t realized that before. But in saying goodbye, I did.
We’ve replaced the Hyundai with a new car, a Toyota Corolla, whose fate, with luck, will be far better than its predecessor’s. And the Hyundai is now in its graveyard, having been towed, two days after Sandy and I paid our respects, to a facility whose mission was to take it apart, salvaging as much as possible. Graveyard I guess is the wrong word, seeing that much of the Hyundai will find new life in other man-made bodies. Which doesn’t change the reality of the Elantra being dead and gone. Obviously.
There is an uncountable number of things in life that are worse than losing a car. Still, I’m damn pissed at the person who whammed and bammed my former wheels. “Up yours, dear,” is what I’d say to her if I were to pay her an unannounced visit, a visit that is possible because her address is listed on the police report that the accident generated. “You have caused me and my wife a lot of problems and expense. Did I forget to say up yours? I didn’t forget? That’s okay. I’ll say it again anyway. Up yours!”
Hey, typing up yours three times, and now a fourth, has made me feel better. I knew that blogging would pay unexpected dividends one day! Didn’t think, though, that it would take over three years (I launched this website in April 2015) for a dividend to manifest itself.
On that note, boys and girls, I shall ease this essay into its conclusion. Please drive safely, as most of our roads are congested and crammed with potential dangers. And stay away from my new Toyota, or else!
(As I say at the end of nearly each and every one of my pieces, please don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing. It’s good to share, or so we have been told.)
Yeah, Another Blogger 
We were unfortunate enough to purchase some spelt pasta at a farmer’s market about ten years ago. The meal lasted for a whole bite or maybe even less. Thereafter, we avoided that stall. 😛
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Spelt!
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Sorry about the car. And yes, I had to look it up: “Spelt, also known as dinkel wheat or hulled wheat, is a species of wheat cultivated since approximately 5000 BC. Spelt was an important staple in parts of Europe from the Bronze Age to medieval times; it now survives as a relict crop in Central Europe and northern Spain, and has also found a new market as a ‘health food’. Spelt is sometimes considered a subspecies of the closely related species common wheat.” Wikipedia is good, consider tossing them a few bucks if you’re inclined.
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Thanks for the info, Ron.
Like you, I’m a Wikipedia fan. I throw some bucks their way each year.
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reminds me now of when I had to leave my sweet mustang behind when moving to Europe in 1997. Tear jerker to the max. Now I ride (drive) a bike for the past 21 years 😉
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Yeah, we can become very attached to our cars, and to certain other possessions.
Thanks for stopping by. Much appreciated.
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Nothing like a cathartic, “up yours” to make you feel better! That said, bearing grudges can eat away at you. Why not bury that hatchet and take her round a nice gift of Barilla Plus pasta to show there are no hard feelings. 🙂
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A brilliant idea if ever I heard one!
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Awww. So sorry to hear about your car! My husband and I have a truck in which we have done a lot of long distance driving (2-3 days at a time). I like that vehicle to bits. But as I was reading your piece, I realised that it’s not the truck. It’s very comfortable and an excellent long-drive vehicle, but it’s the fact that my husband and I get to spend these 2 or 3 days together without being interrupted by work or other things. Those long drives are priceless. 🙂
I hope your new car works out well for you. And spelt. Yuck. It was resurrected as an ancient grain, and that’s what it tastes like. That one is better left to history. 🙂
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Hi Lynette. I’m going to have to find out if Barilla Plus is still on the market. And if it is, whether or not spelt is still one of the ingredients.
See ya —
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A couple of years ago, we traded in our 1990 Toyota Camry for a more recent Toyota RAV4. That Camry and I were pals for years. It was sad to leave it in the dealership’s lot and drive away. I totally get what you went through.
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Yeah, I’ll be thinking about that Hyundai for a long time. I really liked it.
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Bummer about the car, but a cheery farewell to that pasta.
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Hi Peggy. One good thing about the Barilla Plus is that it helped inspire this story. I guess that was the only good thing about it. Have a great rest of the week —
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The latest here in Australia is that shops are selling honey that has been mixed with other sweeteners. The country is in uproar enough without the honey adulterations.
They now suspect other food to have been fiddled with. Uncle Toby’ oats is now being investigated in a German laboratory. What next? Vegemite?
Pity about the car. It must have suffered structural damage. It looks nice.
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Hi Gerard. As far as I know, the honey mixture that you describe isn’t being made (yet) in the USA. Probably just a matter of time.
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I used to thing I was the king of linking irrelevant things together, for instance my post ‘Captain Kirk, Al Jolson and the problem with Windows 10’ instantly comes to mind but pasta and a car wreck? I doff my cap to you sir . .
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Steve, I’m glad that the idea somehow came together for me, because I’m almost always story-idea-starved.
Many thanks for dropping by. I’ll be seeing you —
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So happy that Sandy wasn’t hurt!
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Absolutely. That’s the most important thing.
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Oh dear. Losing a beloved car to a premature collision has to be painful – although gratefully no one was injured. My sincerest condolences, and may its replacement ease some of the sadness – and irritation 🙂
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Thanks a lot, Joanne. We like the new car. Like the Hyundai, it’s cute and comfortable.
Take care, and enjoy the rest of the week.
Neil S.
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Phew! Glad I live in Maine and am unlikely to drive anywhere near your new Toyota. 😉 Seriously though, what a loss to lose a car that is still in its prime. Also, I hate, hate, hate it when it is more cost effective to get rid of something rather than repair it. Wrong on so many levels, but unfortunately that’s the way it is sometimes.
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Yeah, there was no arguing with the insurance company. Their decision was made.
Be seeing you, Laurie. As always, I appreciate your thoughts.
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Cheaper to trash than fix it. Oh, how I hate that! It is true for so many things.
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Many of the car’s components will be re-used, or so I’ve been told.
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Yes, that is some consolation.
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My husband would have eaten that pasta. He would have hated every bite, but he would have eaten it – for too many reasons to list here. (I would have done as you did!)
I feel your car loss pain. While mine only hit the proverbial wall and not anything else, at 200,000+ miles, she had to be retired, and it killed me. She was much more beautiful and substantial than an Elantra, which (wait – I am not dissing your car!) we also have in our garage since our daughter decided she did not need a car in her northeastern city and we needed an extra here in car-happy Texas. The Elantra really is kind of cute, but like the pasta, she is assigned to my husband.
A final thought: I think you will like your Toyota even better than the Hyundai. I’ve been a Toyota gal for decades, and they have never let me down.
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Hey there, Lexie. It will be great if Sandy and me end up liking the Toyota more than the Elantra. Time will tell . . .
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I view expiration dates more as a plea for financial assistance on the part of the producer than anything else. On the other hand, my wife looks for expiration dates on bottled water.
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Right, most expiration dates can be taken with a grain of salt. But the pasta’s date was 2007. That’s a long time ago.
Thanks for dropping by. Take care —
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Major bummer.
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Yeah, what can you say.
Be seeing you, Martie. Good to hear from you.
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I usually drive cars for a LONG time and I always feel that pang at leaving one, as if i’ve betrayed it. Usually, it’s old age (the car, not me) but once someone drove into the side of me. Fortunately, like Sandy, I wasn’t hurt, but the youngish car was a write off even though it looked repairable to me. I feel your pain.
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Hi Anabel. With better luck, that Hyundai would have lasted another 10 or more years.
Have a great week. See you —
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I know how you feel – my husband’s brother wrecked his Toyota pickup truck which had only 15k miles on it and the insurance company junked it – even though there was no damage to the engine.
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I don’t know if it’s true, but here’s what someone told me: If the cost of repair is 80% or more of a vehicle’s value, then insurance companies opt to have the vehicle sold for scrap.
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I’m so sorry!! We had to say goodbye to our beloved 1997 Corolla a few months ago, too, and mourned its passing. It just couldn’t go anymore. Rather than being bashed, it was towed as a donation to our local public radio station. But still. I took a photo of Cliff beside it before it left; he took one of me; we recalled the many trips to Denver this little car took us on when we lived in Santa Fe and traveled up to Denver. Alas, old friends are hard to part with.
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It’s true. Cars can become good, dependable friends. I’m always glad to hear from you, Janet. See you —
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Your blog always offers so many “pasta-bilities” for enlightenment. Drive your new car in good health!
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Debra, not only do I like you, I like your puns too!
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Good riddance to bad pasta!
Good luck with the new wheels!
Good writing with laughs throughout!
Good everything that Sandy is Safe! 🎶
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Many thanks, Ellie.
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You had me worried for a minute with that title fella! Glad it’s just the car and the pasta. Our Honda Civic (100K miles and counting) just got a clean bill of health from our tame mechanic, so hoping it’ll continue for a bit – like you, we’ve developed a totally irrational affection for that daft big hunk of metal…
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Your Honda probably has another 100,000 in it. It’s built to last!
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Pasta makes a nice gift to certain kinds of drivers. What a pain in the ass but hey everything was pronounced OK (except the pasta). That’s a good thing.(A little CB wisdom. Do not drive your new car in Vancouver).
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Hi CB. After what happened to the Hyundai, I’m nervous about driving the new car anywhere.
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It certainly shakes you (Sandy) up.
I went for a run after I read your take. Beautiful clear warm afternoon and there was this car in the ditch with a women standing beside it. She was shook up but alright. CB and another fella managed to get the car out for her. Minimal damage. The grateful woman was straight up honest and said she dozed off. What do you say to that? Hell of a time to take a nap. I continued on with my run and thought it could have been a lot worse. Take care out there fella.
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We bought our Audi estate secondhand and ran it in the U.K. and then in France for twenty years…until some French rubbish driver ran into the back of it and damaged the petrol tank beyond feasible repair. We mourned it…it had been a faithful friend and workhorse, witness of many happy times….and the sporty A3 which replaced it never took its place in our hearts though it gave us a lot of fun.
Those multi ingredient pastas are the work of the devil…my husband had to go gluten free for a month and we tried multi ingredient spaghetti. The dogs are now getting it in their food and refusing it too.
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Hello there, Helen. Glad to hear from you. That’s hilarious about your dogs. They have good taste!
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Ha! Now I don’t feel so bad about some of the dates I’ve found on boxes of food I’ve had to toss out of my pantry. But I don’t blame you for ignoring that pasta for so long. Whole grain pasta sounded like a good idea, but the taste was disappointing, to say the least.
I’m so sorry about your car. Isn’t it odd how attached we get to them, and how we sort of mourn when they are gone. Especially if we name them. My husband and I learned to stop doing that.
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Years ago I had a VW bug. Other than the Hyundai, I think it was the car I was most attached to. That was in the late 60s and early 70s, when VW bugs were very ‘in”.
Enjoy the rest of the week, Ann, and many thanks for stopping by.
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Life is tough. Sorry about your car – I drive a Toyota. Good car except the clock runs on Tokyo time – now I’m late everywhere I go. And the glove box is only big enough for one glove. All the best. Jerry
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I’ll have to take a look at my Toyota’s clock. It might have the same problem as yours.
Take care, Jerry —
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Yes, what exactly IS spelt, anyway?
I’m sorry to hear about the accident with your old car, but your new vehicle appears to be a sharp-looking ride.
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Hi there, and thanks for the visit. Another reader (who commented above) said that spelt is an ancient form of wheat. I get the impression that not a whole lot of people are into the stuff in the 21st century.
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Hildegard of Bingen was a big spelt fan, Neil. She died in 1179, at the age of 81, which was old in those days. She would have sworn that it was the spelt that did it. Something to consider in your quest for longevity. 🙂
Sorry about your beloved Hyundai. I hope you and Sandy will fall in love with your new car, too.
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If spelt was good enough for Hildegard, then it’s good enough for me!
Take care, Tanja. As always, I appreciate your stopping by.
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One day after classes at college I was pulling out of the underground parking for work when an upperclassman came careening over the hill and smashed into me. The police considered it my fault (without actually visiting the scene) because I had been the one pulling out. Never mind the fact this guy had been going at least 15 miles over the speed limit in a heavy pedestrian area.
The great ending to this?
My cousin married this douchebag.
He continues to be a douchebag.
And she wonders why I don’t like him…
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I tell you, the roads in urban/suburban areas are nuts. Many people drive too fast, change lanes too much, make left turns in front of oncoming traffic, etc. Oy vey!
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I’m very sorry to hear about the car, Neil. I too would have felt sad. We’ve had our Land Rover for quite a few years now, it’s good company. I’d rather keep this one than getting a new car.
Spelt was a big thing in Norway some years ago, it was claimed to have more health benefits than wheat. It was also more expensive but I don’t quite like the taste of it. Have a great rest of the week. Take care, Isabelle
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I guess that spelt isn’t too popular, but it isn’t going to go away!
Many thanks for your comments, Isabelle. I’m always glad to hear from you.
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It’s always great to have a chat with you, Neil. Forgot to mention that I liked the post very much, especially those parts with a humorous touch.
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Too bad about your Elantra. It was, I’m sure, a good car! My daughter has one, an older model, and I’m touching wood right now to make sure it doesn’t meet the same fate! But I’m sure you will love your new one—nothing like that ‘new car smell’!
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The Toyota seems to be a good car. I’m not a techno geek though, so I don’t have the easiest of times with all the buttons and settings on this car. Anyway, many thanks for dropping by, Diane. I appreciate it a lot.
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AWWW. Sorry to hear about your poor Elantra. I used to drive a 2000 Elantra station wagon way back when… I remember it was a good little car. I now drive a 2016 Chev Cruze and love it too.
I’m SO happy that only the car was hurt and not your poor wife.
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You’re not kidding. My wife Sandy wasn’t hurt. That’s the most important thing. Have a great rest of the week, Lynne. Thanks a lot for stopping by.
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Sounds like the end should have come for that box of faux pasta before you had to suffer through eating it.
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Hi Ken. I wonder if Barilla still makes that stuff. It should be banned. Thanks a lot for stopping by. And don’t forget to read the ingredients on any pasta boxes that you purchase!
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I suppose you should be thankful that you are not a car otherwise Sandy, when she takes you to the doctor for repairs, may be offered some money to get a newer model !
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Hi Jonathan.
You’re right!
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You’ll like the Toyota. Hopefully for many accident-free years.
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👍👍
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I think I like your blog a lot. Funny and engaging. Too bad about your Hyundai but I bet you’ll like the Toyota providing it is not a lemon. Just kidding here. I’m pretty sure that lemons are few and far between in Toyota vehicles.
I drive a 98 GMC double cab truck that was my husband’s knock -about truck. It is durable and for some reason I have had around eight or more offers from folks that want to buy my green jewel.
I discovered you blog via Gerard Oosterman’s blog. I have followed the Aussie gent for quite a few years. He is too funny and you just might give him a run for the money.
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Hello, and thanks for taking the time to write. I’m glad you like my view of things. Your truck is a keeper, and has lasted 20 years. It’ll probably be good for another 10 or more. Take care —
Neil S.
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So nice to know your wife was not hurt. Stay blessed and thankful.
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Thanks, AOC. Appreciated.
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Eating a sandwich made with spelt bread reminded me of this post. 😉 Spelt is great in bread – it gives it more taste and structure, but never in pasta. Chickpeas, lentils and flaxseed?
I’m surprised it was allowed to be called ‘pasta’.
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Hi there. I took a look at the Barilla company’s website. They still make Barilla Plus pasta. These days it contains flaxseed, chickpeas, oats and a bunch of other stuff, but apparently they don’t put spelt into the mix anymore. I agree — it shouldn’t be called “pasta.”
Take care, and thanks a lot for adding your thoughts.
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I was greatly relieved to learn that Ed and I aren’t the only ones with antique foodstuffs in the cupboard. We specialize in spices from the dawn of time. Some of them have now, through the strange alchemy of passing decades, achieved the properties and strength of masonry.
I am sorry about the car but glad to hear Sandy escaped unharmed, I believe this same driver rear-ended my Ford Focus wagon some years back. She said, “Oh, I was turned around, trying to see what the boys were doing in the backseat.” Gee, what a great idea. She also begged me not to call the cops, but I was having none of that. My insurance required that I have a cop on the scene to verify the report. It came out in our “discussion” about the subject that she didn’t want her husband to know as this had happened more than once.Good reason! NOT
Enjoy your new vehicle, eat new pasta, live it up!
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Hi Amy. Changing the subject a bit . . . have you seen BlackkKlansman, the new movie by Spike Lee? I liked it a lot. It’s very powerful.
As for pasta, I had a good bowl of penne with tomato sauce the other night. It hit the spot! See ya’ —
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Thanks for the heads up. We are trotting the globe at present but will check it out when we arrive back in “Trumpland.” (Can you possibly make sure he’s gone before we return?)
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What? You mean you don’t like having a screwed-up, mean-spirited pathological liar in the White House?
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“Let it go…. let it go…..” :0)
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I’m trying.
Have a great day, PJ. See you —
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You, too, Neil.🤓
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I’m guessing I have boxes of something older than that in my cupboard. Sorry about the car…sometimes it is like losing a close friend.
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Hi there, Don. Yeah, it’s funny how foodstuffs can get buried and forgotten in the kitchen. If you find something older than my Barilla Plus was, let me know!
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The title of the post dragged me in!
Sorry to hear about the car but I’m glad your wife wasn’t injured. Immediate inconveniences caused by accidents are something that police charges and insurance payouts can’t compensate for.
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Hi there. We’re getting used to our new car, but the wrecked one will linger in our memories for a good long while, I’m sure. Thanks for stopping by. Take care —
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Never did I think I would shed a tear for the loss of another man’s Hyundai… I would find it difficult to shed a tear if ever I was forced upon one! However… I’m with you about the “up yours” salute for that careless driver… I will add an “up yours” too… in sympathy with your loss! 😁😂😲⚡
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Gracias! And many thanks for stopping by, AJ.
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It is only a pleasure… I enjoy my visits, regrettably in frequent! 👍
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I have had my Toyota Echo for about 17 years. I would be devastated if I had to let it go. I expect you will eventually build a rapport with your new vehicle but of course the Toyota will never replace the place in your heart which belongs to the Elantra. 🙂 I am glad no one and nothing but the Elantra and the pasta were harmed in the making of this post.
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Hello there, and many thanks for adding your thoughts. It probably wasn’t until the 1980s that auto manufacturers started building cars that would last. Before that, the typical car began having problems after 20,000 miles (or so I think). Anyway, your Echo probably is good for another 20 years!
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I hope so. It may outlast me!
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