“Neil! It’s Marty. Do you got a minute? I really need your help,” Martin Scorsese, the titanic film director, said to me a few days ago. He was calling from his production studios in Manhattan, where he’s putting the finishing touches on The Irishman, a crime drama with an all-star cast that includes Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: How can a schlub like me be friends with a luminary like Scorsese? Maybe I’ll go into the details in a future article. For now, let me merely say that Marty and I first met, a few years ago, in a dream (click here to access that dream). Our relationship evolved and deepened organically from there into a real-life friendship.
“Listen, Neil,” Marty went on, “here’s why I’m calling. You know Leo, right? Leonardo DiCaprio? He’s been in a bunch of my films.”
“Sure, everybody knows who he is. But I never met him, if that’s what you mean.”
“Leo’s a great guy,” Marty went on. “Talented as hell. Smart as hell too, a genius in fact. That’s why, I suppose, I came up with this fabulous idea: DiCaprio should portray Leonardo da Vinci in a movie. One genius playing another genius. One Leonardo playing another Leonardo. Could anything be cooler than that? I love it, man! It can’t miss . . . except that I’m having trouble figuring out what angle the movie ought to take, what it should be about. A straight drama? Forget it. I’ve done enough of those. A comedy? Definitely could work. Picture this: Da Vinci would be a bumbler in the film, stumbling from one misadventure to another. The running gag would be da Vinci getting his humongous beard caught in a door wherever he goes. ‘Get me out of this hairy situation, I beg you! The f*cking door is stuck!’ would be his catchphrase.”
“Marty, that’s good. You can’t go wrong with a comedy. But you know what’s even better? A superhero movie, Marty, a superhero movie. Da Vinci was gifted as hell. He was a painter, an inventor, a scientist, a mathematician, a you-name-it. Shit, there was nothing that old boy couldn’t do. He was the Renaissance man of all Renaissance men.”
Marty cut me off. “I’m listening, Neil. And I like where I think you’re going with this. Tell me more.”
“Well, only the greatest Renaissance man of them all has what it takes to save the hub of the Renaissance — Florence, Italy — from two potentially catastrophic invasions. The first assault is by aliens, the second by zombies.”
“When the aliens, looking for all the world like seven-foot tall ants, descend upon Florence from a distant galaxy, in 1505, the city’s residents are thrown into a panic,” I continued. “But Leonardo da Vinci, a Florentine, stays cool, immediately putting his scientific know-how into use. Within an hour he invents a chemical spray that anything resembling an ant will be powerless against. Then he disguises himself with a Mona Lisa mask, whose enigmatic smile stops the invaders in their tracks. They’ve never seen such a smile before, and are nearly hypnotized by it. Spray bottles in hand, da Vinci now advances on the creatures, systematically killing them one by one.”
“‘All we wanted to do was steal Michelangelo’s statue of David from your city and bring it back to our planet,’ the alien leader says to da Vinci with its final breaths. ‘David’s hung like a horse, after all. Most impressive! The statue would have sat majestically in our supreme ruler’s palace. He’d have gazed at it admiringly and enviously, sometimes bemoaning the less-than-daunting size of his own genitalia.'”
“You’re on a roll, Neil,” Marty said. “What’s next?”
“Well, only one week after da Vinci dispatches the aliens, Florence is confronted with an untold number of zombies. Those f*ckers seemingly came from out of nowhere. But they don’t stand a chance, not with our Renaissance man on the scene. He dons his signature mask, whose smile has the same effect on the zombies as it did on the aliens. That’s when da Vinci whips out the hammer and chisel that he’s borrowed from Michelangelo — the very same tools that Michelangelo used to carve the David statue — and bashes the living crap out of the baddies. Problem solved! Case closed!”
“Yes, this is the best!” Marty exclaimed. “Mega-sance Man, short for Mega Renaissance Man, is what we’ll call da Vinci’s alter ego. And that’ll be the name of the film too. Neil, I can tell that this will be the most popular movie I’ve ever made, an absolute blockbuster. I’m going to hang up now. I’ve got to call DiCaprio and tell him about your genius ideas. For years he’s been itching to play a guy who saves the world. Thank you, Neil, thank you. You’ll receive a screenwriter credit, of course, and hefty payments for your contributions.”
“Marty, in your hands Mega-sance Man will be stunning. Leonardo da Vinci, if he were alive, would be flattered and proud.”
(Please don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this story on social media. Mucho gracias.)
Okay. Laughing. A lot.
It is obvious (probably only to me) that Scorsese who has been married “n” times, n being a statistical symbol meaning way more than one, assures us that dicaprio’s relationships with females, “are totally normal.”
I don’t need to quote check myself on this because I remember it by heart.
Does it diminish them to me?
Pretty much.
Females are people too.
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Hi Cindy. I’m not sure what to say in response. I’m unaware of Scorsese or DiCaprio being bad guys. I hope they’re not.
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Hahaha! 😀 Your dreams are fabulous! Mine, if I can remember them, are often strange … actually, now that I think of it, kind of like yours. 😉
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Hi. I’m glad you liked this piece. Thanks for being a loyal reader!
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Fabulous. Some of the finest friendships are formed in dreams. The perfect twist will be to read in the papers in a few months that Scorcese is working on a superhero movie about Da Vinci starting DiCaprio!
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One never knows!
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You are a one, Neil.I’m still giggling. What a concept! I too have the weirdest dreams.Years ago, it seemed to work out that, whenever we’d just eaten the rest of the cakes, someone would ‘pop’ in. And you know it’s a “crime” not to be able to offer a guest a cake in a Jewish household..When this occasionally occurred, I’d cook up a storm of cakes the following week and, of course, sod’s law,there’d be no callers….This lead me to worrying…and I dreamt (true!) that there was a knock at the door, and when opened, it revealed an army of helmeted Vikings. Horror of horrors, were they intent on rape and pillage? No, they just wanted tea and cake. There was just enough, but they had to sit in the garden…xx PS More crazy dreams, please. x
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That was a heck of a dream that you had!
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A fun way to start my morning!
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Thanks for tuning in, Arlene. Appreciated.
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I detect a little satirical commentary about blockbuster-obsessed Hollyweird here. Am I mistaken? Touché! (But David’s genitals will have to be obscured so young people aren’t traumatized. Bashing the crap out of the baddies – in fact, unlimited blood and mayhem – is perfectly fine.)
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Hi Pete. I don’t watch very many superhero movies. But I’ve seen a few. I liked the first Iron Man movie, for instance. And I saw Black Panther, which was pretty good.
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Oh, too funny! Love it. Leonardo da Vinci: Alien hunter, zombie slayer.
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Hi Laurie, and thanks!
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Now that’s a film I would pay to see!
We lived not far from Amboise where he came to work in his latter years….a beastly expensive little town which could do with a plague of aliens…it already has the zombies.
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Zombies are no joke!
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You need to turn this into a screenplay. 🙂
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Nah, too much work.
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Yeah yeah, humor, but really, I love the idea of Leonardo da Vinci as super hero–genius sort. He was brilliant. I don’t doubt he could think his way out of any problem!
Let’s do it!
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People like da Vinci don’t come around every day. See you, Jacqui. Enjoy the week.
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The royalties will be flooding in and all down to an enigmatic smile mask – She was some gal that Mona Lisa (with the Mona Lisa smile). Hey Neil, I have a great idea for a song! Oh no, that one’s been done already.
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Hey there, Alyson. I suppose that the Mona Lisa painting is the most famous painting in the world. There are countless superb paintings in existence, but somehow that one gained more fame than just about any other.
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Love your dream, Neil.. Clearly there’s a blockbuster idea brewing away somewhere and itching to get down on paper.
Lieve
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Lieve, I’m going to stick with my 1,000- or- so-word pieces. Anything more demanding than that would wear me out.
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I so agree… I am definitely considering to take life a little easier in future. Focus on travel and less on work.. Not yet sure how that is going to pan out as work funds my travel. But I seem to be managing OK at the moment. I shouldn’t yet get too comfortable living this very relaxed life…
Lieve
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Love it 😄
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Thanks a lot. I appreciate that.
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Cant wait to see the film!
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Ditto.
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We read it here first! Will you still talk to us when you’re rich and famous?
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Of course!
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👍🏻
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A comedy about DaVinci – now that I’d like to see. Bravo on getting those screen writing credits.
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The exact terms of those credits still need to be worked out. See ya!
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Hysterical! I wanna see it! 🙂
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Hi Tyler, and many thanks.
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I watched a programme on television on Sunday evening last – Irish tv programme about Blarney Castle. I’m sure you know the story – come and kiss the Blarney Stone and you have the gift of the gab, an ease and fluency of language which will make you the envy of all who hear you. Well, on reflection, I reckon you have been to Blarney but, not being content with kissing the stone, you took a blooming big bite out of it. LOL Loved it!
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Paddy, I’d like to do pieces of this sort more frequently. Maybe it’ll happen. Anyway, I’m glad you liked it. See you!
Neil
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Hey there Neil, Speaking of movies and this is no dream. Watch for a movie called THEM THAT FOLLOW – I’m an extra in it. Check out the trailer – Have a good day and a peaceful night’s sleep. Jerry
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I just looked it up on IMDB. If it comes to my area, I’ll go and see it. Thanks for letting me know about it, Jerry. I hope I get to see you on the big screen!
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There are 19 photos on The IMDB THEM THAT FOLLOW On #15 you can see the back of me – blue shirt gray hair watching the band. Looking forward to your review. Jerry
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I see you!
It’s not at any of the theaters I go to. But maybe it will get to at least one of them.
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Wow, Neil, good thing you remembered to not capitalize the “T” in “the titanic film director” or we would all have thought you were pals with James Cameron.
Leo as Leonardo? Comic zombies? Should I order an advance ticket now for the Big Screen debut? Btw, once Leo’s done saving Florence from zombies, any chance he could save Venice from the gigantic cruise ships that are swamping the city with tens of thousands of tourists? (Who often seem to resemble zombies.)
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Are you in Venice? If so, have fun. It’s a great place, despite any zombies.
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Neil, that’s one hell of an elevator pitch. Hollywood needs more people like you for sure!
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Hollywood, here I come!
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Leonardo da Vinci and aliens and zombies. I think you’re crazier than I am Neil and that’s really crazy. Love your posts. Keep them coming…..
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Many thanks, Muriel. Don’t let any zombies cross your path!
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Hilarious. One of the best things you’ve written. Never give up blogging, Neil, I laughed all the way through. What a set up :):)
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Merci beaucoup.
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This might actually work as a Broadway musical, instead.
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Right, sort of like Spamalot.
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You have missed your calling, Neil, but it’s never to late to become a novelist! If Marty changes his mind, you will have a New York Times Bestseller to your credit! 📚
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Me a novelist? Nah.
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You are constantly composing wild tales, Neil, that qualifies you! 🙂
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I think you’re on to something here, Neil. The script you propose sounds as if it would be VERY commercially successful, and I’m sure your friend Martin would be willing to share the big bucks with you. But if he isn’t, you could always write a comedy instead. That would really be good…trust me on this!
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Marty won’t let me down (I think).
Hi Ann. Thanks for stopping by. As always, I appreciate it. See ya!
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What vivid dreams! And two with Score-Seh-See? I’m dying!
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I wasn’t expecting to write about Scorsese again, but he needed my help!
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Awesome you could be there time and again for your friend Marty!
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2 Leonardo’s for the price of 1 ; I agree, Da Vinci, not “just” an artist, largely dominates the scene. Only he could have saved Florence from the invaders back in 1505. Ironically Florence today needs saving from the hordes of tourist invaders, many of whom come to see Da Vinci’s works !
Makes me imagine something you might write in the future : a “whodunnit” that takes place in renascence Florence
Great story and I remember when you first met Scorsese in a prior blog.
Alan from Paris
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Hi Alan. You and I can collaborate on the Florence whodunnit. We might come up with a hit!
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Poor aliens, jealous of David! Omg, I feel sorry for the Mrs. Aliens, lol !!
Can’t wait for the post about your lunch with K. Richards AND Mr. S. both at the same time.
I’m sure Keith could pitch Marty a crazy movie idea…………!
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Keith, Marty and me in the same story. A good idea. Maybe it will come to pass!
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‘Mega-sauce Man’ is my contribution to the writing. Has a better taste to it and I know Marty likes his sauces. I don’t need a credit or acknowledgment. Maybe you could throw a role as one of the “Ant creatures” my way.
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CB, I’ll put you in touch with Marty. Have an excellent weekend!
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i’m honored rubbing shoulders
with one with such high status, Neil!
i’ll look for your in an upcoming
blockbuster
in my dreams 🙂
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Pleasant dreams!
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Hilarious! I would totally watch that movie.
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Hi Amanda. Many thanks for stopping by my humble site. Much appreciated.
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LOL! This reminds me of the Loony Tunes cartoon where Daffy is pitching a script of his to a studio exec about the Scarlet Pimpernel. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0s-x01o33cc
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I just watched it. I always liked Daffy and Elmer. Thanks a lot for sending this to me.
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Always welcome, my friend! 🙂
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You are so creative Neil! I love your fusion here with history, personalities, genres and your artistic skill as a proposing film director. 👍❤🎭❤😎
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Many thanks, AOC. You’ve made my day!
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❤❤❤❤❤ Have an awesome week Neil!
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You are clearly a brilliant muse – are you available to lesser beings as well as celebrities?
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Hi I’m glad you liked this story. Take care, and have an excellent week.
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& you! 🙂
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Hilarious as always, Neil! Although, maybe you can convince him to do something other than zombies. It’s so last week. I’ve got a half dozen screenplays I can send him next time you talk! :0)
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Pam, I’ll put in a good word for you. See ya!
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🙏🙏🙏
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See what Martin thinks about doing a movie called Uber Driver. It can be a sequel to Taxi Driver and we get to see De Niro as an old man with dementia. Great stuff!
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Uber Driver. Excellent idea!
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A Scorsese superhero movie? It would have to be this scenario. Nothing else makes sense!
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I’m glad you agree.
Hi Henry, and thanks for stopping by. Much appreciated.
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Mega-sance man! I can see it already.😆
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Hello there. I think it will be excellent!
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I love this Mega-sance Man idea!
Here’s hoping the screenwriting cheques roll in soon. 😉
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They better!
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Your dreams are funny! I could visualize the conversation. My weird dreams are more like film noir. I like the comedy better!!
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Hi. Speaking of film noir, have you seen Out Of The Past, with Robert Mitchum? It’s a real good one.
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Ba
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Sorry Neil. I’m in the car and my finger slipped.
Should have been bahaha 😂
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Hi Lynne, and thanks.
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Entertaining as usual but go easy on the mushrooms next time Neil . . 😀
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It’s hard to stay off that stuff.
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OMG…this made me laugh out loud. You have a great sense of humour and the piece is so beautifully written. Mega-sance man…hilarious!
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I thank you!
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Another fun post that has brightened my day!
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I’m glad about that.
Have an excellent week, Michele. And thanks for stopping by.
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This is great, Neil! Leo da Vinci could so be a superhero! Hey, maybe Scorsese could hook up with whoever did the Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter movie. Or maybe Leo invents a time machine and brings Abe back to the Renaissance to help with the whole zombie thing.
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Hey there, Julie. Leo and Abe would make a dynamic duo, for sure.
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