“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Neil ‘I’ve got major problems’ Scheinin,” my psychiatrist Dr. R.U. Forereel said quietly, her gaze fixed on me like a big-game hunter, when I entered her office for my monthly session last week.
Her words stopped me in my tracks.
“What? Did I hear you correctly, doctor? How dare you talk to me like that!”
“Oh, calm down. Have a seat, Neil. I was just kidding around. My, you have a thin hide.”
Keeping my ears wide open lest any further barbs be projected at me, I slowly approached the patient’s chair and then eased my way onto it.
“Yikes!” I yelled, as my highly bony ass made contact with the chair’s rigid cushion. “Dr. Forereel, you need to replace this piece of crap masquerading as furniture. Its seat is as hard as a frigging rock. I’ve never been comfortable on it, and now less than ever, given my aging butt’s deteriorating condition. Maybe that’s why I’ve made minimal sustained progress over the many years you’ve been treating me.”
“Point taken, Neil. Rest assured that a chair deserving of your continued presence will greet you next month. You are, after all, one of my favorite patients. Which really isn’t saying much, though, considering the competition you’re up against.”
“Doctor, I’m shocked to hear you badmouth your other patients,” I said. “You’ve never done that before. Are you having a bad day?”
My question caused Dr. Forereel’s stern demeanor to change immediately. “Neil, I’m not sure I ever have a good day,” she said, her eyes awash with vulnerability. “And that’s been especially true for the past two weeks. You see, I feel I must end my relationship with Tom, the fine man who, because of you, entered my life last year.”
Her comment about my close friend Tom completely took me by surprise, as Tom has nothing but wonderful things to say about Dr. Forereel whenever I speak with him. He moved in with my psychiatrist only weeks after he first asked her out, and as far as he is concerned everything between them has progressed swimmingly.
“End the relationship? Why, doctor?”
“I know, on the surface it makes little sense. Tom is sweet as peach pie. He’s caring and intelligent. But he’s driving me crazy, though I, of course, have kept this hidden from him. For instance, Tom clears his throat vigorously, as if he’s starting up an outboard motor, whenever he’s about to start speaking to me — VRROOMM! I can’t stand that. And he never takes off his baseball cap, even when we’re making love. All he’ll do on those occasions is turn it backwards on his head so that the bill doesn’t poke me in the face or in my private parts. That’s considerate of him, true, but I imagine he wears the cap in bed because he likes to think of himself as a talented athlete. In truth, however, he isn’t exactly carrying heavy lumber, if you get my drift.”
“Ouch, too much information!” I responded. “Look, you can’t have everything. Surely, doctor, there has to be a way for you to focus on, and appreciate, the bigger picture. I believe it would be a major mistake for you to send Tom packing. You might never again find a man to share your life with.”
“Sadly, I cannot disagree. I’m well into my middle years, yet Tom is the first man I’ve lived with. I suppose I’m not cut out for a partnership . . . Wait! I just thought of something. The Journal Of Seemingly Lost Causes ran a fascinating article not long ago. It’s about the therapeutic techniques designed by Dr. Ican Fixit. The results from Dr. Fixit’s program, though preliminary, are extraordinary. His basic approach is to put his patients into deep hypnotic states and then scream at them, ‘You think you‘ve got problems? Believe me, they are nothing compared to mine, so wise up already!'”
“Neil,” my doctor continued, “Dr. Fixit repeats this procedure every day for a month. By then, success in most cases is achieved. There’s no time for me to lose. I will contact him and enroll in his program. When I complete it, there will be a new version of me — more tolerant, less prickly. I’ll embrace and be amused by all of Tom’s peculiarities. And my psychiatric abilities undoubtedly will rise to heights even Freud could not have imagined, which means that possibly you’ll finally start showing some lasting improvement. Let’s hope so. You’ve certainly got a long, long way to go.”
Yeah, Another Blogger 
Haha! I think I’m going to get me a therapist too 😀
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Dr. Forereel probably can fit you in, via Zoom.
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Thank you, Neil, for your as always hilarious story featuring your brilliant doctor! I can only admire your imagination in creating this extraordinary woman, and now the second one, Dr Fixit! I absolutely love your tales, and my only regret is that you don’t publish at least once a week! A Big Thank you!!
Joanna
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Thanks very much, Joanna. I appreciate it.
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The pleasure is all mine, Neil, thank you!
Joanna
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an entertaining read, Neil: I chuckled in all the right places 🙂
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Hi, and thanks.
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I so enjoy your stories. You´d make a wonderful therapist; Doctor Fixitquick
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Thank you kindly. I appreciate what you said.
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There’s nothing like some good old fashioned role reversal to make life shine.
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Different perspectives sometimes are valuable!
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Hi Neil, enjoyed this visit to the Mishegoss Institute, starting my day with smiles & laughs.
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I’ve heard that the Mishegoss Institute has a fine, fine reputation.
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Hmmmm…I’m pretty sure I’ve met Dr Fixit.
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He gets around, so it’s very likely.
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Ha ha. This was a wonderful way to start my morning.
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Thanks very much.
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Hahaha. Fun post, Neil. 😊 If scream therapy is required, why not go on one of Gordon Ramsay’s shows? 😉
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When it comes to screaming, that guy is at the top of the ladder.
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This is hilarious, Neil! Thanks for the laughs. Denise
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Appreciated!
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Great storytelling! Enjoyed the encounter!🙂
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Hi, and many thanks.
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Funny how a partner’s quirks can begin to wear on a person after a while….
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Very, very true.
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Hilarious, as usual. Love the line “…eyes awash with vulnerability.” If not for that, I’d say dump her!
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I have a long history with Dr. Forereel. I can’t imagine changing therapists.
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I get it. My therapist’s name starts with an F also, two syllables.
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Funny as and thanks for the laugh!
I’m often accused of being “Acida” (Italian). I think as I get older, I just don’t put up with all the cr*p. 😉
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I know what you mean. There’s a lot of nonsense, and worse, going on out there.
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The baseball cap had me hooting! What a gentleman.
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Tom’s a good guy. Overall, anyway.
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Dr. Forereel is sure having a bad day 😦 I’d tell her to stay far far away from that Dr. Ican Fixit fella. He’s dynamite!
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Believe it or not, Dr. Fixit has a wonderful reputation. Or so I’ve been told.
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Yikes – I’m reminded of the Primal Scream school of therapy – remember them?
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Right, I remember it. Some celebrities were into it.
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So funny. Have you seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry goes to the psychologist and complains about the chair….???? :))))))
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I probably saw that, but I can’t remember specifically. In any case, Curb’s most recent season was its final season. Curb was a wild and wacky and profane series.
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Laughing…… Hilarious Neil.
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Thanks a lot, Cindy.
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Thanks for the laugh!
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👍
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I enjoyed every word of this. 😂 My therapist fell asleep on me once; I wonder if Dr. Forereel would even dare do such a thing. Thanks for the laugh, Neil!
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Your therapist fell asleep on you once? I hope they didn’t charge you for that session!
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Yup, she did and I paid full price 🤷🏻♀️
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I needed the laugh tonight. Thank you!
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I’m glad you enjoyed this story. Have a good day.
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Before signing up with Dr. Fixit, I think Dr. Forereel should check out his hats. A baseball cap is one thing, but if Dr. Fixit has a pith helmet or hard hat hanging in his office, she might want to head for the door.
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You raise a good point. I hope Dr. Forereel proceeds wisely.
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And my psychiatric abilities undoubtedly will rise to heights even Freud could not have imagined…
Made me laugh out loud with that idea. Great story.
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Hi Ally, and thanks.
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I think Dr. Forereel and my elderly cousin O. Shutyomouth might hit it off. I’ll send you his contact info if they ever re-connect O’s landline.
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Dr. Forereel appreciates your potential help. Who is this, by the way? The comments were posted as being from Anonymous.
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Who wouldn’t be ready to put their entire mental health fate into the hands of a practitioner using the methods of Dr. Ican Fixit? What could possibly go awry? 🙂
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Dr. Forereel will be in good hands!
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LOL
Well, that relationship didn’t last long.
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Let’s hope that Dr. Forereel and Tom will remain a couple!
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Fingers crossed lol
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Ha ha! I myself live with a throat-clearer (for real), and it’s unbearably taxing! I’m laughing so hard at your inclusion of this abomination!
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I guess there are more throat-clearers than I realized!
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Hi Neil! You and Dr Forereel always give me a big smile and a hearty laugh and that’s good medicine!! Thanks! ☺️
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Hello there. I very much appreciate what you said.
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Can’t wait for the next instalment! Loved the doc’s observations about Tom’s appearance, demeanour, and abilities!
BTW, did you bill her for helping with her problems?
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I didn’t, but I should have.
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Haha, love her reasons for breaking up – it could have been me 😉
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Hi. The breakup isn’t definite. Dr. Forereel and Tom possibly will remain together.
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Dr. Forereal is a fun revisit. In a funny, odd twist, you are the Paychiatrist. And that’s FOR REAL.😷🩺 I found a way to override some glitches.😁
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Hi. Thanks for the input. I’m not sure who this is though. Your comments are posted as being from Anonymous.
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I’ve always considered baseball hats a poor choice of head covering though for different reasons than those exposed by the good doctor. Needless to say, I have never – and will never – wear one! One has standards to maintain! Apologies for being so late to the reading and commenting; I have been under a rock for a considerable while and am only just peeping out again now.
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Hi Paddy. I hope that things are okay. Take care. Your pal, Neil
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By the way, Neil, unrelated but I know you’re interested . . . according to the SF Chronicle, “The billionaire behind the Chobani yogurt brand has acquired Anchor Brewing Co. with plans to modernize and reopen the historic San Francisco brand that closed last year after 127 years in operation. On Friday, Hamdi Ulukaya, Chobani founder and CEO, announced that his family office had bought all of Anchor’s assets: the iconic steam beer recipes, the 2.1-acre Potrero Hill campus and all the brewing equipment in the De Haro Street warehouses. The price was not disclosed.”
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Excellent news.
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Well, let’s hope. Big companies sometimes suck the life out of the small businesses they swallow. I’m hoping for the best.
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Dr Forereel should have paid you for a session after she revealed her love problems. This was hilarious, loved it!
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Thanks very much, Diane.
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Thanks for forwarding, Neil. I’ve had to sign on again.
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Thanks, Annie. Let’s hope the glitches in the WordPress system go away.
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When I got to the name “Dr. Ican Fixit” I laughed out loud. And it’s just me and a cat in this room here. You know some therapists probably have bigger issues than their clients, lol. Another great story/post/fun time!
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Hi there, Christy. I appreciate the thumbs-up. Take care, and enjoy the weekend.
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Boundaries! The good Doctor Forereel definitely needs to learn about boundaries. Way to hold your own and defend your life choices, Neil. – Marty
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Marty, something unexpected always seems to happen during my sessions with Dr. Forereel. I can’t quite figure out why.
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Reminds me of a psychology evening class I took once where my classmates all seemed to be in need of help – goodness knows why I was there. Physician, heal thyself!
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Hi. This isn’t related to what you wrote, but it popped into my head: There’s a very talented jazz pianist named Denny Zeitlin. He’s a well-respected musician and has had a long career. Amazingly though, music isn’t his primary career. He’s a psychiatrist.
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So funny and imaginative back and forth!
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I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.
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I love your names for the characters, Neil. I don’t know if hypnosis can make the baseball cap tolerable though. Oh my! Lol. And I’d suggest a low carb diet for the throat clearing. But, hey, Dr. Forereel is willing to give it a try, so I hope it works. For everyone. 🙂
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Hi Diana. I’ll be disappointed if Dr. Forereel and Tom don’t remain together.
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It seems like a good match. Lol We’ll just have to count on the hypnosis. 🙂
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What a great title for an academic journal: The Journal of Seemingly Lost Causes–love it!
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That journal has a superb reputation (maybe).
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“The Journal of Seemingly Lost Causes” 🤣🤣🤣. Well written and hilarious story Neil! Great characters and dialogue. Nice job!
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I appreciate it, Ernie. Thanks a lot.
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Love Dr. Fixit’s “basic approach”–couldn’t stop laughing. BUT a guy who wears a baseball cap in the throes of passion???! I’m with Dr. R.U. Forereel on this one. She can do LOTS better.
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It’s only a minor flaw on Tom’s part. But maybe he’ll end up ditching the cap anyway.
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😂😂😂
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What a hoot!!!
It left me shaking my head. I’m still chuckling. 🙂
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I never know what to expect at my sessions with Dr. Forereel.
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I get my therapy for free by reading Bloggers like you!
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Glad to be of service.
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Never a dull moment! Let’s hope Dr. Forereel’s therapy session will prove a success, both for her and for your sake. 😊
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I’m with you on that!
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I can’t stop laughing, Neil. You’ve made my day!
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Thanks very much, Michele.
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Wow, poor Tom! Although a baseball cap on a full-grown man who isn’t on his way to a game is a beige flag, and turned backward, a red one.
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On the other hand, Tom has many good qualities. Personally, I’m hoping that he and Dr. Forereel remain a couple.
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