Old As Shit

Yeah, Another Blogger

I picked up after the first ring when my editor Edgar Reewright phoned me last week, because I figured he was anxious to discuss the essay for Yeah, Another Blogger that I’d emailed him the day before.

“Hello, Edgar,” I said. “How goes it? What do you think of the article? Will it need much editing?”

“Neil, have any of your pieces ever not needed loads of editing?  I mean, it’s all I can do to make your writings even somewhat presentable. I haven’t looked at your latest opus yet, though. I’ll get to it fairly soon. But I didn’t call to talk business.”

“Okay. What’s up?”

“I haven’t been in the strongest frame of mind lately,” Edgar said, sighing loudly, “so I’m hoping that maybe you can help me put things in perspective. I’ve been thinking about mortality a lot, you see, and it’s getting me down. I became a senior citizen ages ago, but until recently I didn’t consider myself an old man. All of that changed when I celebrated my 86th birthday with my wife Loretta last month. Towards the end of the meal, Loretta went into the kitchen and came out a few minutes later with a big birthday cake. There were 87 candles, one of them for good luck, burning brightly on it. The number of candles absolutely stunned me. They took up so much space, you barely could see the top of the cake. I’m old as shit, Neil, and I don’t like it.”

“Yes, Edgar, you are old as shit. But, overall, you’re fine and dandy nonetheless. Oh, except for the medicinal help your mighty sword requires in order to perform halfway decently with Loretta, of course. And the adult diapers you wouldn’t dare leave the house without wearing. And your incurable bad breath that rivals the odors at a garbage dump. Have I forgotten anything?”

“No, you haven’t. And how I wish you weren’t privy to such information. Even though we’ve never met in person, it’s entirely my fault that you know about these things, since I have trouble keeping my trap shut whenever we speak on the phone.”

“Very true. However, your tendency to divulge sensitive and embarrassing matters does make you a bit loveable. You’d be intolerable, otherwise. Anyway, I’m now going to try and cheer you up.”

“Thank you, Neil. I appreciate it.”

“Let’s start with some humor. Edgar, did you hear about Thomas I. Toldyaso, the aged astrophysicist who kicked the bucket last week?”

“No. What about him?”

“Everyone expected him to pass away with barely a whimper,” I said. “Instead, he went out with a big bang!”

“Not bad, Neil, not bad. That joke makes me wonder about my exit from this mortal coil. Will a horrible disease do me in? Will anyone actually care that I’m gone? I tell you, I feel the end isn’t too far off. The Grim Reaper has me in his sights. What shall I do? Oh, what shall I do?”

“Relax, Edgar! You’re strong as a bull. Even if The Grim Reaper taps you on the shoulder any time soon, I have no doubt you’ll grab him by the cowl and throw him back whence he came.”

“Whence? Are you kidding me, Neil? Only you would ever use the word whence. I better never see it in one of your blog stories. They’re awkward and lifeless enough as it is.”

Edgar paused for a moment, possibly deep in thought. Then he continued. “So, you think I’m strong as a bull, do you?”

“Absolutely, Edgar. I’m certain you have 10 more solid years in you. And 15 is more like it, most likely. Why, your energy and focus leave me in the dust, even though I’m a decade younger than you. Don’t be down in the dumps, Edgar. Just keep on keepin’ on!”

Once again Edgar took a moment to consider what I’d said. When he spoke, he was back in the saddle.

“Neil, all of a sudden I am feeling so much better. I wasn’t at all sure that you’d be of any help whatsoever when I decided to call you a little while ago. But I made the right choice. Thank you so much! The skies have brightened. I see a lengthy, excellent future in front of me. I now will get back to work, tackling the undoubtedly sorry-ass article you sent to me yesterday. Oh well, such is the life of an editor. Have a good day!”

“Goodbye, Edgar. It’s been a pleasure. Sort of.”

142 thoughts on “Old As Shit”

  1. George's avatar George August 12, 2024 / 2:22 am

    I’m a big Edgar Reewright fan so it’s always good to see him making another cameo (as well as slaving tirelessly behind the scenes, of course).

    As Dylan Thomas put it:

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Unknown's avatar Anonymous August 12, 2024 / 3:27 am

    I hit half a century this year and strongly believe you are as old as you feel .age is just a number isn’t it?😉

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Linda Pearce Griffin's avatar Linda Pearce Griffin August 12, 2024 / 2:57 pm

    Poor Edgar. Sometimes I can almost hear my own “woe is me!” But this has encouraged me to keep banging away! And if the Reaper shows up unannounced I’ll send him directly back to from whence he came. (tell Edgar I disagree with him on the use of “whence”)

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 12, 2024 / 4:50 pm

      Afternoon, Linda. Edgar often looks at the comments on my stories. So, I think he’s getting the idea that plenty of people like the word “whence.”

      Like

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  6. Pam Lazos's avatar Pam Lazos August 14, 2024 / 5:32 pm

    There is quite a world there, Neil, quite a world! When are you going to write a novel??

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Alyson's avatar Alyson August 16, 2024 / 7:03 am

    Always good to see an Edgar-themed story around here. Also good to see the word “whence” put in an appearance. Not used enough.

    Liked by 1 person

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  8. denisebushphoto's avatar denisebushphoto August 17, 2024 / 4:41 pm

    It was good that you could cheer Edgar up with your pep talk. Yes I hope he lasts 10-15 more years. He’s the best editor you got! 🙂

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  10. J P's avatar J P August 19, 2024 / 12:42 pm

    As the song goes, you make me feel so young!

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. tanjabrittonwriter's avatar tanjabrittonwriter August 19, 2024 / 10:12 pm

    It’s good that we (generally) don’t know when and where and how the Grim Reaper will make his move. Sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss.

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  12. ourcrossings's avatar ourcrossings August 21, 2024 / 8:26 am

    I always love reading your Edgar-themed stories as they are always so well written! Sometimes a little courage can go a long way because from time to time, all of us could do with more words of encouragement and perspective. He’s lucky to have you! Thanks for sharing, and have a good day 🙂 Aiva xx

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  13. Debbie D.'s avatar Debbie D. August 27, 2024 / 11:04 am

    … old as shit but fine and dandy…

    Sounds good to me! 🙂 I’ll be 70 in a few months, but in my head I’m 35. 👌

    I enjoyed this lively exchange of dialogue and especially, your use of the word ‘whence’. Visiting from Jacqui’s Worddreams. Nice to meet a fellow Baby Boomer blogger. Cheers from Canada! 🥂

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  14. rkrontheroad's avatar rkrontheroad September 8, 2024 / 11:11 am

    It must make you feel young to advise an 86 year-old about age! Of course, it’s Edgar…

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