Old As Shit

Yeah, Another Blogger

I picked up after the first ring when my editor Edgar Reewright phoned me last week, because I figured he was anxious to discuss the essay for Yeah, Another Blogger that I’d emailed him the day before.

“Hello, Edgar,” I said. “How goes it? What do you think of the article? Will it need much editing?”

“Neil, have any of your pieces ever not needed loads of editing?  I mean, it’s all I can do to make your writings even somewhat presentable. I haven’t looked at your latest opus yet, though. I’ll get to it fairly soon. But I didn’t call to talk business.”

“Okay. What’s up?”

“I haven’t been in the strongest frame of mind lately,” Edgar said, sighing loudly, “so I’m hoping that maybe you can help me put things in perspective. I’ve been thinking about mortality a lot, you see, and it’s getting me down. I became a senior citizen ages ago, but until recently I didn’t consider myself an old man. All of that changed when I celebrated my 86th birthday with my wife Loretta last month. Towards the end of the meal, Loretta went into the kitchen and came out a few minutes later with a big birthday cake. There were 87 candles, one of them for good luck, burning brightly on it. The number of candles absolutely stunned me. They took up so much space, you barely could see the top of the cake. I’m old as shit, Neil, and I don’t like it.”

“Yes, Edgar, you are old as shit. But, overall, you’re fine and dandy nonetheless. Oh, except for the medicinal help your mighty sword requires in order to perform halfway decently with Loretta, of course. And the adult diapers you wouldn’t dare leave the house without wearing. And your incurable bad breath that rivals the odors at a garbage dump. Have I forgotten anything?”

“No, you haven’t. And how I wish you weren’t privy to such information. Even though we’ve never met in person, it’s entirely my fault that you know about these things, since I have trouble keeping my trap shut whenever we speak on the phone.”

“Very true. However, your tendency to divulge sensitive and embarrassing matters does make you a bit loveable. You’d be intolerable, otherwise. Anyway, I’m now going to try and cheer you up.”

“Thank you, Neil. I appreciate it.”

“Let’s start with some humor. Edgar, did you hear about Thomas I. Toldyaso, the aged astrophysicist who kicked the bucket last week?”

“No. What about him?”

“Everyone expected him to pass away with barely a whimper,” I said. “Instead, he went out with a big bang!”

“Not bad, Neil, not bad. That joke makes me wonder about my exit from this mortal coil. Will a horrible disease do me in? Will anyone actually care that I’m gone? I tell you, I feel the end isn’t too far off. The Grim Reaper has me in his sights. What shall I do? Oh, what shall I do?”

“Relax, Edgar! You’re strong as a bull. Even if The Grim Reaper taps you on the shoulder any time soon, I have no doubt you’ll grab him by the cowl and throw him back whence he came.”

“Whence? Are you kidding me, Neil? Only you would ever use the word whence. I better never see it in one of your blog stories. They’re awkward and lifeless enough as it is.”

Edgar paused for a moment, possibly deep in thought. Then he continued. “So, you think I’m strong as a bull, do you?”

“Absolutely, Edgar. I’m certain you have 10 more solid years in you. And 15 is more like it, most likely. Why, your energy and focus leave me in the dust, even though I’m a decade younger than you. Don’t be down in the dumps, Edgar. Just keep on keepin’ on!”

Once again Edgar took a moment to consider what I’d said. When he spoke, he was back in the saddle.

“Neil, all of a sudden I am feeling so much better. I wasn’t at all sure that you’d be of any help whatsoever when I decided to call you a little while ago. But I made the right choice. Thank you so much! The skies have brightened. I see a lengthy, excellent future in front of me. I now will get back to work, tackling the undoubtedly sorry-ass article you sent to me yesterday. Oh well, such is the life of an editor. Have a good day!”

“Goodbye, Edgar. It’s been a pleasure. Sort of.”

142 thoughts on “Old As Shit”

  1. judyrutrider's avatar judyrutrider August 6, 2024 / 12:08 am

    “Instead, he went out with a big bang!” groan… I love bad jokes! This one’s almost too good to qualify.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. Unknown's avatar Anonymous August 6, 2024 / 12:10 am

    😂 I loved the punches. Unknowingly, you see taking Edgar down

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. swabby429's avatar swabby429 August 6, 2024 / 3:20 am

    I needed to read this. I’ve been under the weather lately which does nothing to enhance anyone’s energy levels and attitudes.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Unknown's avatar Anonymous August 6, 2024 / 3:53 am

    Nice piece with humour and dialogues. Enjoyed it.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. joylennick's avatar joylennick August 6, 2024 / 5:08 am

    I always brighten up a notch when I see a blog from you, Neil! This dying (lark?) is perplexing..Now a VERY surprised nonagenarian, I didn’t – for a second – think I’d need a new passport beyond 80 years (extended at 70 for ten years), and yet, here, husband (an amazing, sharp as a razor man at 96 still shops, cooks and cracks passable… jokes) is pondering the dilemma of again renewing our passports for another ten years. Joke, yes! It aint going to happen! Our travelling days (much appreciated and enjoyed) are fond memories, but I still fancy hanging around for a few more years, but either of us could ‘fall off our perches’ tomorrow (oops, no I have a pedicure…) or next week (we have friends arriving for a holiday not a funeral…) See..it’s just not convenient to suddenly die, but the Grim Reaper sometimes has a twisted sense of humour!. So I’d better check that we both have on clean underwear…tee hee. Cheers.

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  8. Paddy Tobin's avatar Paddy Tobin August 6, 2024 / 5:08 am

    Yes, we (I!) can get down over such things. I am generally a “down” person and in the sadnesses of life can be inclined to plummet further – no, not off the local bridge! I haven’t done that in a while now. But, as your essay of today illustrates perfectly, laughter is indeed the best medicine. Thank you, Neil.

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  9. Platypus Man's avatar Platypus Man August 6, 2024 / 5:26 am

    Thank you, Neil, for brightening my day. Old age is stalking me too, with a malevolent twinkle is his eye. Your posts reminds me that I should simply kick him hard in the goolies and invite him to get lost.

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  10. gabychops's avatar gabychops August 6, 2024 / 6:50 am

    Thank you so much, Neil, for your gift of making your readers happy when overcome with joy after reading your comic masterpieces! I hope you will live many more years, and write for our amusement!

    Joanna

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  11. brilliantviewpoint's avatar brilliantviewpoint August 6, 2024 / 7:06 am

    You’ve got your work cut out for you. LOL — you need to send him articles more frequently, keep him from thinking OLD AGE. We are ALL feeling it. A nice reminder, keep moving, keep thinking, keep creating… It’s interesting. I think of my grandparents. Did they have these old feelings? They certainly never let on, they seemed to enjoy life. Maybe it was because when grandkids visit, they felt young again and we filled them with love, right. Have a great day!

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  15. mariezhuikov's avatar mariezhuikov August 6, 2024 / 8:54 am

    Personally, I don’t think “whence” gets enough airplay in the world. Glad to see it here!

    Liked by 2 people

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  18. JT Twissel's avatar JT Twissel August 6, 2024 / 12:45 pm

    If Toldyaso tells you so, better listen up! Age has not diminished your wit.

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. Sandy's avatar Sandy August 6, 2024 / 1:32 pm

    Advide to Edgar: He’s young. Start worrying when you’re old as dirt!

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  20. Rosaliene Bacchus's avatar Rosaliene Bacchus August 6, 2024 / 1:36 pm

    Neil, nothing beats humor to send the Grim Reaper running 😀 Edgar Reewright was smart in calling you 😀

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  24. Fictionophile's avatar Fictionophile August 6, 2024 / 3:42 pm

    Thanks for the smiles Neil. Personally I think aging is over-rated. Last week I passed-out in the check-out aisle of the grocery store… Embarrassing! It is the first time in my life I’ve ever passed-out. Now a myriad of medical tests. GRRRRR.

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 6, 2024 / 10:32 pm

      Hi. It’s hard not to think about mortality. But, it’s best not to think about it too much. Take care. Have an excellent rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

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  26. Image Earth Travel's avatar Image Earth Travel August 6, 2024 / 4:46 pm

    Art from the bad jokes, I enjoyed this post…seriously, I didn’t mind the jokes in as they fitted into the conversation. Thanks for the laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 6, 2024 / 10:34 pm

      Hi. Yeah, Edgar popped into my head a few years ago. I guess I’ve included him in ten or so pieces since then.

      Like

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  29. D. Wallace Peach's avatar D. Wallace Peach August 6, 2024 / 6:36 pm

    I’m glad you were able to cheer Edgar up, Neil. Getting old is hard work and we need cheerleaders every now and then. As my 93 yo dad says, “It’s better than the alternative.” Thanks for the laughs and the groaners. 🙂

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  30. Unknown's avatar Anonymous August 6, 2024 / 7:34 pm

    My goodness. A word like ‘whence’. You’re really getting classy. Chuckle, Muriel

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 6, 2024 / 10:39 pm

      Hi Muriel. While writing the story, I was amazed that “whence” popped into my head. No way was I going to leave that word out of the story.

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  31. Paula B's avatar Paula B August 6, 2024 / 8:13 pm

    “grab him by the cowl” Ha ha! Is there anything more sinister and death-like than a cowl?? That made me laugh!

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  32. johnlmalone's avatar johnlmalone August 7, 2024 / 1:32 am

    your ‘A Sunflower Story’ is one of my favourites of yours, Neil; I’m rereading it now 🙂

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  33. viviennelingard's avatar viviennelingard August 7, 2024 / 3:23 am

    Loved this little exchange between the old and older. Get the feeling you and I are similar ages.

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  34. Unknown's avatar Anonymous August 7, 2024 / 11:16 am

    I’m still smiling as I write this! Thanks for the chuckle 🤭

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 7, 2024 / 3:16 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it. I don’t know who this is, by the way. You’re listed as Anonymous.

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  35. shoreacres's avatar shoreacres August 7, 2024 / 11:50 am

    I’m glad ‘whence’ didn’t make you winch. Can ‘wither’ be far behind? Your whimper/bang joke was great; it brought to mind a rather different use of the pairing. According to T.S. Eliot, the world itself ends “not with a bang, but a whimper.”

    If Edgar calls again with concerns about his age, you always could recommend some time spent listening to this as an antidote.

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  36. roughwighting's avatar roughwighting August 7, 2024 / 2:47 pm

    I hope Edgar is a real person, because he speaks for so many of us. Not me, of course. I look forward to aging, to losing my ability to travel, to watch my body shrivel and my mind shrink and …. HA. I don’t think anyone looks forward to aging even though if they don’t age, they die. Whence, we should all be happy that we’re aging and just reach for a happy place where we accept that we’re not once what we were in our prime, but then again, we’re much happier and full of wisdom. Right? A good friend recommended a book called The Grace of Aging (getting serious now, sorry ’bout that) and it’s wonderful and right up front. The author suggests that we stop the denial of aging and death and find the glory in getting closer to the glory of heaven. Well, she didn’t put it that way exactly….

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 7, 2024 / 4:53 pm

      Hi, and thanks for your input. We definitely lose some degree of various abilities when we get old. But that doesn’t for a minute mean that it’s time for us to be put out to pasture. We retain other abilities fully, and maybe even increase our competence in some activities.

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  37. annieasksyou's avatar annieasksyou August 7, 2024 / 5:14 pm

    Yes, “Big Bang” is the type of joke my father would make, so to me it’s a “dad joke.”

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  39. andrewcferguson's avatar andrewcferguson August 8, 2024 / 11:47 am

    You guys are an inspiration to a kid of 61 with a crazy dream. Well, you are, anyway. I’m not so sure about Edgar.

    Liked by 1 person

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  40. Suzanne's avatar Suzanne August 8, 2024 / 5:01 pm

    Thanks for the humorous dialogue that awoke my senses as did my second cup of coffee. Keep writing, Neil.

    Liked by 2 people

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  42. talebender's avatar talebender August 9, 2024 / 11:58 am

    Always enjoy hearing from old Reewright…..though I didn’t realize he was that old! Also enjoyed your sense of humour! And the use of the word ‘cowl’ was the piece de resistance!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 9, 2024 / 3:59 pm

      Hi. Edgar’s advanced age surprises me too. And I’m sure he will make it to at least 100!

      Like

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  44. Ally Bean's avatar Ally Bean August 9, 2024 / 12:52 pm

    Whence is a wonderful word that can be said by anyone, forsooth. I feel a sudden need to use it more often.

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  46. Dave Ply's avatar Dave Ply August 9, 2024 / 6:02 pm

    I suppose Old as Shit isn’t as bad as Old as Dirt. Compositing time from one to the other, you know. I’m not worried, I doubt I’ll last as long as your editor.

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  47. alhenry's avatar alhenry August 10, 2024 / 10:46 am

    The 87 candles on Edgar’s b-day cake–how they completely obscured the top of the cake–brought back what is one of my very earliest memories: President Eisenhower’s 68th birthday on our grainy 1958 black-and-white TV. Some staffer brought him a cake, lit with 68 candles, and the extremely low-definition of the times made it appear to be a giant fireball.

    Also, whence is a PERFECTLY good word. A great word even. I have it on good authority that The Bard agrees!

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    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger August 10, 2024 / 8:24 pm

      Eisenhower: A Republican who was decent, moral, solid. And then, some decades later, most members of his party turned to crap.

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  48. maristravels's avatar maristravels August 11, 2024 / 9:28 am

    Feeling like Edgar when I started reading, I felt much better after reading your post. I’m well on the wrong side of 80 and inclined to use words that date me as well! I was a professional writer until a few years ago when AMD put a stop to that but I still fall into the trap of ‘whilst’, ‘whence’ and suchlike. One of my editors even criticised my choice of a name for a young man. That was my first inkling that it was time I got out of the trade.

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  49. Ilsa Rey's avatar ParentingIsFunny August 11, 2024 / 5:27 pm

    At least you put him in a better mood before he got started on your article. 😉

    Not sure I’ve used “whence,” but totally guilty of “whilst.” 🙂

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      • Ilsa Rey's avatar ParentingIsFunny August 11, 2024 / 11:43 pm

        I wouldn’t be surprised if I had dropped a “from whence it came” somewhere on my blog. 🙂

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  50. Geoff Stamper's avatar Geoff Stamper August 12, 2024 / 1:58 am

    I enjoyed your take on the always fascinating topic of human mortality. In 1980, I published for family members the first edition (often updated over the years) of our genealogy. Just about the only thing I have not revised yet is the title: Whence We Came.

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