Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz, this is Santa Claus, writing to you from the frigging North Pole. It’s colder than deep space here, so cold that my private parts probably wouldn’t thaw out if I spent a month in the Caribbean. Despite that, I’d love to relocate to warmer climes. But Mrs. Claus won’t hear of it. Ditto for the elves, those weirdos I rely on to help get the big job done at Christmastime. Beats me how anybody can stand the cold. But it takes all kinds, I guess.
Anyway, one week ago, feeling antsy, I decided to get away for a couple of days. The elves are strange as hell, so I was not at all certain they could handle Christmas-toymaking pressure on their own. But I knew that Mrs. Claus would keep things under control. What a woman she is! It’s a shame that my frozen privates almost always prevent me from providing her with the satisfaction she deserves. Not to mention that true intimacy would be much more achievable if I dropped at least 80 pounds. Yeah, there’s no denying I’m a fat f*ck.
“Where are you headed, my chubby hubbie?” my spouse asked when I told her of my need for a quick getaway.
“I’m off to Pennsylvania, USA, dearest. I’ve been out of touch with Sandy and Neil for a long while. I miss them. Too bad I won’t be with them during Chanukah. But that holiday begins only a week and a half before Christmas, and I’ll need to be back home well before that. Dearest, I think it’s great I have Jewish friends. Why, I’m so comfortable with Sandy and Neil, I sometimes flirt with the idea of converting to Judaism.”
“What? Are you out of your mind?” my wife responded. “You’re a Christian icon!”
“Just joking, dearest, just joking,” I said. Or was I? Twenty minutes later, after pecking my better half on the cheek, I climbed into my waiting sleigh and in a handful of seconds was up, up and away.
I reached my destination in record time, landing and parking, under a seriously dark sky, in Sandy and Neil’s backyard. “Don’t cause any problems, guys,” I told the reindeer. “No moaning and groaning. No crapping on the lawn. Just lie down and be quiet. We’ll be homeward bound tomorrow.”
I made my way to the front of the house and knocked on the door. Neil opened it. “Holy shit, it’s Santa! It’s been ages, my man. Ages. Come on in. How have you been? Sandy, Santa‘s here!” Sandy ran to the door, a wide smile on her face.
“I’ve been thinking about you, Santa. I’ve missed you so much!” she said.
Well, they embraced me, and I them, and then the three of us sat down and spent the next two hours chit-chatting, noshing, drinking, and having one hell of a fine time. What’s better than being with people you actually want to be with? Not much.
The conversation turned to the holiday season. “As I know you know, Santa, I’m an atheist,” Neil said. “But there’s something about Chanukah even I can get into. I’m talking about lighting menorah candles each night of the holiday and watching them glow. They’re beautiful and put me in a gentle frame of mind. I wish you could spend at least part of Chanukah with us, Santa, but I’m sure your schedule won’t allow that.”
“Right, duty awaits me at the North Pole,” I said. “But, speaking of beautiful, how about we all stroll around your neighborhood right now? Many of your neighbors really know how to decorate their houses and grounds for Christmas. We’ve looked at wonderful Christmas displays a few times before. Remember?”
“How could I forget, Santa?” Neil asked. “One of those excursions lifted you out of a funk.”
“Word!” I acknowledged. “Okay, let’s see what we shall see.”
Well, what can I say? The sights at night on the blocks near Sandy and Neil’s home mesmerized the three of us. I felt as if I were in a wonderland. And in a real sense I was. Those streets were enchanted, and only in good ways.
Before departing the next day, I asked Neil if I could contribute a story to Yeah, Another Blogger. I’d written two guest posts before. “Damn straight, Santa!” he said. “That would suit me just fine. You write a heck of a lot better than me, you know.”
“Neil, you’re such a flatterer!” I replied. But he wasn’t wrong about that.
Soon, the time to say goodbye arrived. It had been over five years since I’d spoken on the phone with, let alone visited, Sandy and Neil. We promised to stay in touch regularly. And I believe we will. And, though it was still a few weeks away, they wished me a very Happy New Year. Which is what I wish for the readers of Neil’s publication. The world is in sad straits. It’s going through a dark period. But if we all let our inner lights shine brightly, maybe we can push the needle in a positive direction.
Thank you, Neil, for posting my article. And thank you, readers, for reading it!
Yeah, Another Blogger 
It seems like it’s been a good year to decorate for once. Nice to see the holiday cheer 🙂
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Hi. There are an amazing number of excellent displays in my region.
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One of your best, maybe THE best blog you’ve ever done, Neil. I totally identified with “As you know, Santa, I’m an atheist, but there’s something about Chanukah [or in my case, Christmas] even I can get into.” I loved your night pix of the seasonal decorations and lights in your hood. Reminds me of when, after laying out all the kids’ presents–around midnight when all were fast asleep–I would take a stroll around my block. Silent night–all is calm, all is bright. Those walks remain some of the most pacific moments of my life. I also loved the closing lines “The world is in sad straits. It’s going through a dark period. But if we all let our inner lights shine brightly, maybe we can push the needle in a positive direction.” I believe we CAN! Happy Chanukah to you and Sandy!
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What I’d love to see happen is a rebirth of the hippie era. Peace, love and understanding, in massive doses, are what the world needs. I’m not holding my breath, but you never know. I wish you and Ed all the best. Here’s to a 2026 that’s better than 2025 has been!
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Great idea! I’ll book a ticket to The Haight right now! (If only that would help…sigh.) Happy New Year to you and Sandy!
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Well I think your writing skills are certainly up to par with Santas! I really enjoyed this story and glad Santa could come for a visit. I also enjoyed your neighborhood lights!
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When it comes to decorating their properties at Christmastime, many of the people in my area are very skilled!
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Happy Hanukkah, Neil! We went to a Hanukkah party last night at our dear friends and I can report that I’ve eaten my share of latkas for the year. 😳😂
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Latkas are totally dee-lish.
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I love them, but only once a year. ;0)
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I’m amazed at your diversity of friends, Neil! Here’s to our inner lights.
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The more light, the better.
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Hi, Santa. Good to hear of your happy visit with Sandy and Neil. I’ve been worrying about your reindeer, though. Did they really have to hold in all their digestibles while you were inside gabbing and noshing?
But thanks for the good cheer, which we all need! And safe travels!
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Annie, this is Neil. Santa asked me to tell you that his reindeer are not your usual reindeer. Meaning, they have enormous control over their bodily functions. Thus, they didn’t relieve themselves till they were back at the North Pole.
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Well, that’s a relief, Neil—for them and for me! Please convey my thanks to Santa.
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I agree, Santa; these are dark days. I’m going to take your advice about letting inner lights shine to heart!!! Merry Christmas…and Happy Hanukkah too!
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Santa wishes you all the best!
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This Catholic boy appreciates St. Nick’s ecumenical spirit and am happy to hear that Mr and Mrs Neil had a great visit.
My only question for Santa – do you still smoke that long-stemmed pipe? I’ll bet it smells lovely!
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JP, this is Neil. Santa asked me to tell you that he no longer smokes. He has become more health-conscious than he used to be, and hopes to start dropping some of his excess weight.
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Best Wishes to you and your family Neil, this season and the year ahead! From all of AmericaOnCoffee 🍃🔔🍁
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Happy New Year, AOC!
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We’ll be taking one of those family strolls around the neighborhood in the next couple days to take in the vibe. The kids have to tackle CB because he tries to steal light bulbs to fill in his burnt out ones.
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CB, you are one of a kind!
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So are you fella. The good one of a kind!
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Hi Santa (I’d suggest a vacation in the Caribbean, but you might never return) and hi Neil. I’m a subtle Christmas house decorator – just candles in the window. But whatever shows some light I say GO for it. We need all the light we can throw toward the world now. Happy New Year (please, may the ugliness and hate be extinguished with LIGHT).
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Hi. There’s no such thing as too much light, that’s for sure. Especially with people like Putin and Trump in power.
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Merry Christmas 😊🎄
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A lovely idea for a seasonal post Neil – glad Santa was happy to oblige.
Love the photos – brightens up these dark nights.
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There are a whole lot of lovely displays in my neighborhood, and in nearby neighborhoods. I’m not crazy about the area I live in, but I love the Christmas displays!
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What a charming seasonal post idea, Neil—thrilled Santa played along so nicely.
Adore the photos—they really light up these gloomy evenings
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Hi there, and thank you very much. I appreciate your comments a lot.
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Happy New Year greetings from London, Neil!!
Your post gave me a much needed giggle! It’s far too cold here in London too!
Happy thawing beside a huge fire, or something like that!!
With kindest regards,
Sharon 💥🤗😊💥
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Hi Sharon. Last night my wife and I and friends went to see the 6PM fireworks display at the Philadelphia waterfront. Then we went to dinner nearby. It was real cold outside. I was freezing!
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Hi Neil! I should feel sorry for you but I’m kind of laughing! A freezing fireworks display!!! No thanks!!
Still, it must have been nice to get out with family and friends to celebrate the New Year!!!
Have a great New Year! 😊💥🤗
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Happy New Year to you & Sandy, Neil! Glad Santa got to pay you a visit and see the delights of your light decorations – most impressive. A great fun post and ends with much needed call for light & positivity!
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Hi, Annika. A very happy new year to you and yours. Wishing you all the best.
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I laughed and smiled my way through your blog post. Wishing you, and your family a happy new year. No doubt 2026 will be full of worldly challenges but we will get through it-
Best,
Velva
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Hi. It won’t be easy getting through 2026, what with Putin, Trump and their ilk in the world. But we can hope for the best, and try to make it happen. Take care.
Neil
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You crack me up with your imagination. For whatever reason, this got me the most: “Word!”
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Hi. I’m glad you got a kick from this story. You know, I laughed silently when “Word!” popped into my head and I typed it. Take care. Have a good rest of the week.
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Thanks, Neil. You too!
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I had a houseful of people over the holidays and am just now catching my breath and catching up on reading. Like many of the commenters below, I smiled while reading. Thanks for bringing a little light and much-needed levity into the world.
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I was pressed for story ideas, and Santa came to the rescue!
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