Yeah, Another Blogger

Regular readers of this publication might recall at least one or two of the articles in which I detail my encounters with my psychiatrist Dr. R. U. Forereel. For years and years I’ve been seeing Dr. Forereel on a monthly basis. She is a prickly sort, and rather unpredictable in her behavior, but I’m pleased with the improvements I’ve made under her guidance. When I began therapy with her those many moons ago, my happiness level, on a scale of 1 to 10, was 2, which is horrendously low. Due to the valuable insights and suggestions my doctor has given me, it now is at 4, which is pathetic but at least not horrendous. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take pathetic over horrendous any day. Hell, progress is progress! In my book, Dr. Forereel is a winner. And, not surprisingly, she surprised the heck out of me last month during my most recent session with her.

“Nice to see you, Neil,” she said groggily when I entered her office and eased myself into the patient’s chair. As I’m sure just about anyone would have, I regarded her face intently, because bags larger and darker than those in a box of Lipton tea hung below her eyes.

Taken aback by her appearance, I asked if everything was alright.

“Oh yes, Neil. Life is treating me just fine. But I got no sleep whatsoever overnight, which accounts for the pouches you’ve been unable to take your eyes off of. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that it’s rude to stare, young man? And I say young facetiously, of course. Neil, my temporary facial droopings are absolutely lovely compared to the permanent, deep and innumerable wrinkles etched into your aged puss.”

“Yes, doctor, I’m old, if not older, than dirt. Thank you so much for reminding me of this fact. But, getting back to your baggy eyes, what kept you up all night?”

“Well, I’d heard a lot about it, so I binge-watched Netflix’s new reality series, I’m Not Looking For Love, I’m Looking To Get Laid. Neil, this show is fantastic! In each episode, girls and guys in their 20s and 30s hook up quickly and get it on vigorously. These people are so real and honest, not only with themselves but also with each other. They are not the least bit reluctant to grab life by the horns and enjoy it to the max. If everyone were as well-adjusted and pretense-free as they are, therapists would be out of business. It’s a good thing for me that such is not the case. Neil, I urge you to watch this show. You could learn life lessons from it. There’s a real chance it would help raise your happiness level.”

“Doctor, based on what you’ve described, this series might raise more than my happiness level, if you know what I mean. The show sounds tremendously exciting. I imagine it could teach me a few tricks, no?”

“Indeed, Neil. That’s true for nearly everybody, seeing how graphic and unfiltered each episode is. It’s not true for me, though. I’m far more experienced than you would imagine. Neil, you must promise never to mention to anybody what I’m about to reveal to you. Okay?”

“Of course. My lips are tightly sealed.”

“Good. Now, I’m sure you know how monstrously high the costs of medical schooling are. I would have put myself deeply in debt had I not figured out a way to generate hefty income along the path to becoming a psychiatrist. So, I did. Neil, while in med school I acted in adult films. Scores of them. I was known as Miss Duzzitall, and do it all I truly did. Plus, I always wore a mask in the films. To this day, thank heavens, that mask has prevented Miss Duzzitall’s true identity from becoming public knowledge. Oh, I had such a marvelous time. My co-workers were hot and adventurous. As was I.”

“Doctor, I’m almost speechless. You’ve never struck me as the libidinous type at all.”

“Neil, I’ve learned to suppress that side of me. Which perhaps is a mistake. But I have no intention of jeopardizing my professional career. I’m an esteemed therapist, and I want to keep it that way.”

“Doctor Forereel, I’ve always admired you. And now you’ve grown bigger in my eyes than ever before. You are such a complex, fascinating individual.”

“Thank you, Neil. But enough about me. Which of your numerous problems should we focus on today?”

Readers, the remainder of that session was duller than dishwater. I won’t bother going into it. However, despite what I promised Dr. Forereel, there is no way I can keep quiet about the juicy details she spilled to me. Needless to say, I have full confidence in your discretion and good judgment. Meaning, I know you won’t tell a soul!