Yes, you heard it here first, though Harvard’s administrative offices will be making the official announcement soon.
To wit: Yours truly has been tapped by Drew Faust, Harvard University’s outgoing president (her final day in office will be June 30 of this year), to deliver that esteemed institution’s Commencement address to the Class of 2018. The happy event will take place on May 24.
Man, I’m honored! I’m flattered! And I’m so nervous thinking about it I just might end up soiling my underpants any number of times between now and then. Little matter . . . I’ve got plenty of underpants in reserve!
It’s funny how things happen sometimes. There I was last week, joyously chewing away in the early afternoon on a BLTPB&J (bacon, lettuce, tomato, peanut butter and jelly) sandwich. An unusual concoction, yes, but invigorating and fabulously tasty. You should try it.
In between bites the phone rang. I pressed the Talk button.
“Khhhhhhhhhhhh,” I croaked, a huge wad of sandwich preventing any normal sounds from emerging. “Khhhhhhhhhhhh,” I repeated, having no better luck on the second attempt.
“Is this Neil?” asked the caller. “What’s the matter? You don’t sound well. I’m going to call 911.”
I worked hard, quickly, on the clump inside my mouth, somehow managing to send it on its way into my esophagus. I then collected myself and had success in getting out some words.
“No need for 911,” I said. “I’m okay. Excuse me for my terrible manners. And by the way, who is this?”
(photo by Jessica Rinaldi/Boston Globe)
“Neil, this is Dr. Drew Faust, the president of Harvard University. I can imagine that you never in a million years expected to be answering a call from me, but stranger things have happened. Well, maybe not. In any case, here we are, about to have a conversation.”
“Hello, Dr. Faust,” I said. “Actually, in a million years I’d never have been able to guess who the president of Harvard is. Not to mention that I’ve never heard of you. It’s nice to meet you, though, needless to say. Just wondering, are you related in any way to the Doctor Faustus who has been written about over the centuries?”
“Ha, ha, ha! Neil, everyone asks me that. No relation, I assure you. And unlike him, I’m harmless. Please call me Drew.”
“Drew, I’m pleased to be speaking with you. What in the world, though, is the reason for your call?”
“Well, young man, and I’m using young facetiously of course, I’ve been at Harvard’s helm for 11 years. That’s a long time. And I’m getting up in years. So in a few months I’ll be retiring from the job, but before then the Commencement Day for the Class of 2018 will have arrived, and a few details for that extravaganza still need to be worked out. As I’m certain you know, one of the most important aspects of any commencement is the keynote speaker. For various reasons we here at the university haven’t offered the speaker’s job to anyone yet. My associates have agreed to let me make the final decision. Which is where you come in.”
“Neil, I want to shake things up in these my final months at Harvard. And I can think of no better way to do so than to bring in a, shall we say, nobody to deliver the school’s Commencement address. This has never been done before. Commencement speakers always are persons of prominence and of great achievement. In recent years the Harvard speakers have included J.R. Rowling, Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg, to name just a few. I want to show the 2018 graduates that this pattern is unnecessary, that an average Joe or Jane deserves the opportunity to impart whatever limited amount of wisdom he or she possesses to those who are about to become the leaders and doers and shakers of the modern world.”
“My word, Drew,” I said, “that’s an amazing speech you just made. Hell, you should be the Commencement speaker. Forget the average Joe or Jane bit. Girl, you carry the goods!”
“No way, Neil. I’ve basked in glory long enough. Listen, one of my daughters somehow stumbled upon your blog yesterday and read one of your recent pieces, A Colorful But Awfully Flimsy Story. She called me and told me about the article, that she couldn’t believe how flimsy indeed it is, how perfect an example it is of the flotsam and jetsam clogging up cyberspace.”
“She also forwarded the story’s link to me. And I read the article. Neil, I totally concurred with her assessment. I then looked at several more of your efforts. My opinion about your talents didn’t change.”
“That’s when a brainstorm hit me,” Drew said. “Considering the worth of your works, you show a remarkable degree of courage by publishing them at all, in my humble you-know-what. Having courage is an admirable quality. And although you lack prodigiously in the insights department, I am absolutely certain that a few nuggets of near-wisdom are lodged within your cranium. Ergo, you, whom just about nobody has ever heard of, are my choice to address the 2018ers at Harvard’s Commencement Day.”
I gulped. “Holy Toledo, Drew,” I then said. “I don’t know what to say, except that I’ll do my best. Offer accepted.”
“Neil, I thank you. Harvard thanks you. You are soon to embark on a wonderful journey, one that will thrust you into the academic spotlight and possibly increase your blog’s readership, though I wouldn’t bet too heavily on the latter. Anyway, please give me one or two examples of what your speech might contain. Small but helpful tools for living would be welcomed by everyone in the Commencement Day audience.”
“Yes, Drew, I understand. Give me a moment.” A moment passed, then several more, at which point I began once again to speak. “You know, I can’t overstate the importance of dental hygiene, Drew. It wouldn’t look good if tomorrow’s leaders were in possession of ugly, swollen gums and loose teeth. Which is why I’ll stress to the graduates that they must brush regularly throughout the day and also floss diligently before hitting the sack.”
“That’s good, Neil. Very good. Anything else?”
“Uh, nothing much beyond that is coming to mind. Oh, wait. There is one other piece of advice I might offer: Don’t step on cracks in the sidewalk. Not because it’s bad luck but because you might trip!”
“Excellent, Neil. You’ll do just fine.”
“Drew,” I said. “You know, there are a couple of jokes I heard a few years ago that have stayed with me. Would it be all right if I worked them into my speech?”
“I don’t know why not, Neil. Everybody needs laughs these days. Throw ’em at me, guy!”
“Okay. What do you call it when a Frenchman tosses a hand grenade onto his kitchen floor?”
Drew was stumped, so I told her.
“Linoleum Blown Apart!” I shouted. Drew exploded in laughter.
“A classic!” she screamed. “What’s the other one?”
‘What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?”
“Tell me, Neil, tell me!”
“Halfway.”
Drew couldn’t contain herself. She was laughing so dangerously hard I was seconds away from calling 911 in Cambridge, Massachusetts. But she pulled herself together. And we chatted for a few more minutes.
The bottom line is that Drew is absolutely convinced that she has made the right choice. Me, I’m not so sure. But as she said, I’ve got courage. And so, any day now I’ll begin to craft my Commencement Day speech. Harvard might not need me in any truly remarkable sense, but they’ve got me.
(Don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this piece on social media or via email. Gracias.)
Yeah, Another Blogger 
Huge congratulations! I’m sure you will be great. 😀
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I’m nervous!
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Nervous energy is good, gets the adrenaline going!
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nice work!
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Hi. Thanks a lot. Appreciated.
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Can’t wait to hear your story and experiences after you have delivered your speech! I am sure there will be some more amusing and witty stories somewhere. I enjoyed reading this piece!! Made me smile…
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Hi there. Thanks a lot for stopping by. I’m glad I made you smile!
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Congratulations! Will your readers be previewing and offering editing suggestions? 😉
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Lynette, that’s a good idea. But let me give it some thought . . . .
See you —
Neil
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Congratulations. All your hard work as a blogger has been recognised by the halls of academia. It’s things like ignoring dental hygiene and trip hazards that can ruin university life. I’m sure you will give a great speech and inspire all present.
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Hi Kat.
A great opportunity has come my way!
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Neil, wow!! Congratulations!! I bet it will be like no other speech and hope we get a chance to see it sometime! Enjoy the occasion … I’m already nervous on your behalf.
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Annika, you’re not half as nervous as I am!
Thanks for stopping by. Take care —-
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What an honor! Just remember that it is just as hard to speak in public as it is to write. Godspeed.
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If what you say is true about public speaking, I’m in trouble!
Have a great day, Darhlene. Be seeing you —
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This was hilarious! Go break a leg (though not from tripping on a crack in the sidewalk).
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Hi. I’m glad you liked the piece. You know, I don’t have any social media accounts. If you do, then maybe you can put this story up there — a few more folks might get some yucks that way.
Thanks a lot for stopping by. I appreciate it.
Neil
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Wowza wonderful! Congratulations. I can’t even imagine…..! Perhaps you can add in the simple but powerful importance of starting the day with making one’s bed. It’s no stretch of an heroic accomplishment for some and sets the tone for achievement, at least for the day. I’d be thrilled if my son—the one in the basement—would do just that! Good luck!! Post a video for us perhaps?!
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A video . . . excellent idea!
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Good luck!
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Hi Joyce.
I’ll need it.
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Can’t think of a better candidate than you. Do you think Drew will allow you to invite your bud Keith Richards, as a musical guest? If not, maybe you could blast about 5 minutes of Albert Ayler. That might keep them off their smartphones a while. Or, he might drive them to their smartphones. Either way, I think you should blast Albert Ayler.
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Pete, that’s a brilliant suggestion. Albert Ayler’s music deserves to be heard by a wider audience.
See ya’ —
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This was your greatest blog yet. I couldn’t stop laughing!
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Morning, Dave. Thanks!!
Listen, maybe you can send this story’s link (via social media or email) to some people who you think would like it.
Bye for now ——-
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Congrats! That’s absolutely amazing and so is this particular post. Was smiling all the way through, so the mission to inspire as well as spread good cheer , all done very well.
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I appreciate what you say a lot.
Thanks for taking the time to stop by here. Have a good day —
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The door has been opened. I can only wonder what will come next… “NEIL 2020”
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Hi Deb.
Who knows what the future has in store?
Be seeing you —
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I second the motion of Deb. Neil 2020! The country obviously could do worse, MUCH, MUCH worse.
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You already know my opinion about The Donald. But I’ll say it again anyway:
He’s the worst. The very worst.
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Wildly funny! I’, LOLing, here in my study, at 5:00 a.m., while the rest of the condo inhabitants sleep (or try to). Hope no one calls 911, since we seem to be on that topic. But seriously, Neil, I am delighted for you. Please write it up, so we can all join in the jubilation!
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Diane, I hope you didn’t wake any of your neighbors!
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The power of blogging and “awfully flimsy” stories – We await the story of your trip to Cambridge, Massachusetts with baited breath!
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Yeah, blogging sometimes leads to unexpected destinations.
Have a good day, Alyson. Be seeing you —
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Rowling, Winfrey or Neil? Are you kidding me? You for sure and I’m not kidding. I’d come down from Canada to attend if I could get a ticket. If you need any material I’m happy to help out.
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CB, I’ll do my best to get you a ticket.
See ya’ —
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WOW!!! What an honor! Congratulations! I’m proud to know you, even if it is only online. LOL
(I’ve shared your post on Twitter)
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Thanks for putting it on Twitter, Lynne. I don’t have any social media accounts, so I appreciate your doing that.
Take care —-
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Neil, the honour is all Harvard’s – they’re privileged to have you, with such deep insights. A possible third joke, which might go down well with the young folks heading into the world of work. Supposedly true, although that may be apocryphal:
Interviewer: Can you describe a weakness you have?
Interviewee: Well, I think sometimes I’m too honest.
Interviewer (smiling): Oh come now, I don’t think that’s really much of a weakness!
Interviewee: I don’t give a damn what you think.
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I’ll use it!
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Congratulations! Show the young ‘uns what wit looks and sounds like. 👍
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Hi Imelda. I’ll do my best!
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Wow, such an honour! Oh, to be a fly in the wall at this occasion … 😉
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I hope the event turns out to be a good one.
Thanks for stopping by, Anabel. Appreciated.
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I can think of no one better than you for this important occasion. Best wishes. Your forever fan, Jerry
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Thanks, Jerry.
You’re invited!
Enjoy the weekend.
Neil
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I personally think you would be an excellent key not speaker at the Harvard graduation, for all the reasons you stated (flossing IS important). I look forward to hearing the rest of this story, and also to reading a copy of your speech! I’m sure it will put Oprah’s to shame….
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Hi there, Ann.
I haven’t started writing the speech yet. I better get going on that.
Thanks for the visit. As always, I appreciate it.
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Congratulations! If you get too nervous just concentrate on what you’re saying and not where you’re saying it. What a great opportunity, have fun.
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Hi there, Kimberly. Always good to hear from you. Many thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the weekend.
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That’s amazing – congratulations! You’re a wonderful writer/blogger; you’ll make for an equally wonderful speaker. 🙂 . . . BLTPB&J? Really? 🙂
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Hello there. I appreciate the compliments.
Have a good weekend.
Be seeing ya’ —
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Let us not forget, however, the terrible trouble last year’s speaker has now found himself in. Have nothing to do with Cambridge Analytica, or you, too, might meet the same fate. p.s. Do you need backup dancers?
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Backup dancers . . . . that’s an excellent idea!
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I’m stealing the Titanic joke.
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It’s a good one.
See ya’ —
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Congratulations!
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I would be having a heart attack. My hair would turn white. I would need to be slightly drunk first. I would probably go for a lot of humor. What an honor! Congrats!!!
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Good to hear from you, Stacey. I’m glad you got a kick from my story.
Enjoy the weekend. Be seeing you —
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“There is one other piece of advice I might offer: Don’t step on cracks in the sidewalk. Not because it’s bad luck but because you might trip!”
This is indeed a salient piece of advice, and too often overlooked. If only you had given that commencement speech sooner, my husband might have been spared a very ugly incident in Portugal, one that forced our little group to sit in a cafe for over an hour until he stopped seeing stars.
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Hi Amy. You’ve got to watch out for Portuguese sidewalks. They are notorious!
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Indeed they are. We lived there for 3 months and it was a very educational experience.
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At last – a real person giving a commencement speech.
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Who’d have thunk it?
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Haha, I’m enjoying your delight!
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Go get them tiger! 🙂
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I’m on the case!
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This is AWESOME!! What an amazing opportunity.
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Hello there. Thanks for stopping by.
Harvard awaits!
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Ha, this is amazing, congrats fellow blogger! Thanks for sharing in your honest and quirky way!
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Thanks for dropping by, Ashley.
You know, I never used to write loopy fantasies like this one. Now, though, I turn them out fairly often. I’m somewhat surprised about that.
Have a good day —
Neil S.
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Brilliant choice by Drew! I predict that your “floss diligently” speech will become as wildly popular as the “Wear sunscreen” commencement speech attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.
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Afternoon, Cindy. I’m glad you mentioned KV. I haven’t read any of his books in a real long while. I’d like to read one this year.
See you —
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Hi again Neil,
This one is a masterpiece. I laughed throughout the post. Truly impressed by your sense of humour and creativity. The combination of these two qualities made it the most hilarious blog post I’ve ever read. I agree that calling 911 can be a necessity, I almost did it myself. Thank you!
(No idea why I don’t receive email notifications when you have published new posts, I almost missed it out. What a pity if I did!)
Take care.
Isabelle
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Hi. Thanks for the nice things you said. Appreciated.
I don’t know the answer to the email situation. Myself, new posts by people I follow appear in my Reader. I don’t get email notifications about them.
Anyway, enjoy the upcoming week.
Take care —
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Hearty congratulations! Do share the YouTube link afterwards.
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I’ll try to remember!
Thanks for dropping by, Jacqui. Appreciated.
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Well shoot this is such a privilege! I can say “I knew him when…” Please do share about the experience here on the blog after it all xo
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Hmmm . . . maybe!
See ya’, Christy.
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This blog is a classic, Neil. I howled with laughter when I read, “That’s when a brainstorm hit me,” Drew said. “Considering the worth of your works, you show a remarkable degree of courage by publishing them at all” and pretty much didn’t stop until I read your two ideas for inclusion in the speech and your jokes. I finally gained control and had to take a nap. You provided me with a great hour or so this afternoon!
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I’m flattered!
And glad I was able to provide some yucks.
Thanks, Janet.
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Oh my! Congrats. I look forward to the follow up!
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Hi there.
I appreciate your stopping by.
Enjoy the rest of the week.
Neil
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Thanks.
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Well! Why not? (Sorry, WordPress and my iPad do not get along, but LIKE!)
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Hi C C —-
Thanks!
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I am tempted to enroll for a super quick degree, so I will be graduating with the class of 2018, Neil. It would be unforgettable.
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Morning, Tanja. You can do it!
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So can you! 👍
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lol
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Thanks, Kathy.
Be seeing ya’ —
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Is it possible Neil? Are you as nutty as I am? When I find a good institution for myself, I’ll recommend it to you. Hilarious!!! Loved it. Muriel
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I don’t know which of us is nuttier. It’s probably close!
See ya’, Muriel.
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I knew you were the one… Love that crowd!
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Thanks for the vote of support, AOC.
I need it!
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You have a really funny writing style 😀👍
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Hi, and thanks.
I appreciate it!
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Wow awesome! Congrats!!
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Hi there.
Harvard must have lost its senses.
Or, maybe I did!
Take care —
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No I think you deserved it ✌️😁👍
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Hilariously written! Congratulations on this honor, and thanks for finding and following my blog. I look forward to following yours – and can’t wait to hear all about commencement at Harvard. Don’t they usually report on the network TV news who the commencement speakers are at all those Ivy League schools? Your making the speech at Harvard should make for some interesting reporting.
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Hello Janet. Thanks a lot for dropping by. I’m glad you got some yucks from this story.
Take care —
Neil S.
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