The Night I Was Serenaded By Space Aliens!

The other day I was gearing up to republish one of my early stories, those poor neglected souls that are buried in the WordPress catacombs, though I hadn’t chosen my victim yet. After all, I thought, wouldn’t it be right to give new life to an essay that almost nobody read when it came out in 2015? Why, back then my blog had fewer readers than Donald Trump has good qualities.

But then I pondered the situation a bit more and said to myself, “nah!” I mean, I don’t really want to read any of that moldering stuff either, so I’m going to spare you. Therefore it is time for me to regroup and write another chunk of new material. But what? Oh well, I’ve been putting it off long enough. I’ve always figured that nobody would believe me (not even my wife Sandy), and that I’d be labeled a kook (just like the other people who’ve gone public with stories almost identical to the one I’m about to tell). But I’m pretty sure I don’t care about that anymore. Sandy and everyone else, hold onto your hats or whatever the hell you want to hold onto. I swear upon my dead goldfish’s body that every word I’m about to type is true. What follows are my recollections of the night I was serenaded by space aliens!

Photo credit: The Virgin Group

It was a dark and stormy night. Damn straight it was. Exhausted, I crept into bed at 12:45 AM, about half an hour earlier than usual, and within seconds was sound asleep. Sandy, even more pooped than me, had conked out at 12:15. That’s what dark and stormy nights will do to you. October 25, 2012, my 65th birthday, was off to a very inauspicious start.

I’d been in dreamland for no more than 40 minutes when I felt a tapping on my shoulder. “What’s wrong, Sandy?” I yelled, shocked out of my deep slumber. But nothing was wrong with Sandy, who continued to sleep the sleep of babies. That’s when I saw a hazy ball of pale green light hovering one foot above me. A thick and long projection, aglow in muted yellow, extended from the ball’s core. The projection, a finger to end all fingers, jabbed me in the shoulder good and hard.

“Yo, nitwit, don’t fall back asleep unless you’d like me to slap you real profoundly upside your head. I’ve come a long way to meet with you, so get out of bed, put some clothes on, grab your house keys and follow me. A surprise awaits you,” the aura said. It’s true that I’m pretty much a nitwit, but despite that I know that in certain circumstances it behooves one to follow orders.

“How’d you get in here?” I managed to ask the aura as we went down the stairs, summoning up an iota of courage from I know not where. “And how come you speak English? Are you of Anglo-Saxon descent?”

The aura stopped moving and looked at me, so to speak, straight in the eyes. “Listen,” it said, “I’d have found a way into your house under any circumstances. But you made it easy for me. You left your front door unlocked, genius! And why do I speak English? I am fluent in every language spoken throughout the universe, of which there are millions. I am not your average Joe. And speaking of Joe, my true name would be unpronounceable for you, so Joe is what I want you to call me. Kapeesh?”

“Yes sir, I mean Joe,” I said.

“Okay, Neil, let’s get going again.” Naturally, Joe knew my name.

Moments later we were outside. I locked the front door and followed Joe, who floated through the air very purposefully, to my backyard. Plunk in its middle sat a sleek round vehicle, maybe 20 feet in diameter and gleaming in what little light penetrated the sky’s turbulent clouds. I was getting pounded by rain. With his sturdy finger Joe opened the spacecraft’s door and waited for me to enter. He then floated inside and closed the door. Joe’s dim glow wasn’t enough for me to make out distinct details of the interior, but I recognized the shapes of a table and several chairs. Even an aura needs to sit, or shall we say rest upon something now and then, I surmised. And a table comes in handy almost anywhere, don’t you think?

In any event, the main things going on involved my heart, which was beating at a faster pace than it ever had, and the state of my bowels, which were poised to soil my pants. What was in store for me? Was this the end?

“Joe,” I said, “give me a break. I’m not too bad a guy. After all, I’m doing my bit to keep print publications alive by subscribing to half a dozen of them. And I helped an old lady cross the street not too long ago. Well, come to think of it, that was last year. But you get the idea.”

Joe ignored my comments. “Sit down, Neil,” he said brusquely. He then reduced the volume of his illumination, lowering it more and more till he was invisible to me. The end, I was certain, was only seconds away. Probably Joe’s versatile finger would be involved in my demise.

Next thing I knew, though, the ship’s interior began to brighten. Within moments Joe was shining like a 150-watt bulb. And Joe wasn’t alone. No, beside him another aura had appeared, and its luminance was the equal of his.

“Neil, I would like you to meet . . . wait, pronouncing her name is beyond human capabilities. You shall call her Jane.” From Jane’s mauve core a baby blue projection, as firm and lengthy as Joe’s, emerged. It reached out to me, gently brushing my forehead. I liked that.

“Hello, Neil,” Jane said.

“Jane, I’m honored,” I gulped.

Jane continued to rub my forehead as she settled into a chair next to mine. Joe sat opposite me, waiting for Jane to speak again.

“Neil, it is for a very good reason that Joe and I have traveled the spaceways to make your acquaintance,” Jane began. “We are cosmic ambassadors of good will and visit your small planet every day, quietly and efficiently, from our home many light years away. Back and forth, back and forth. That’s what we do. And each visit is on the occasion of a special someone’s 65th birthday, a day on which many humans need some cheering up. I say special only in an affectionate sense, of course. I’m not implying that there is anything particularly special about you. And here’s why we are crossing paths: On December 31, 2011 Joe and I threw into a humongous hat the names of every person on Earth who would turn 65 in 2012. We drew names until we had one for each date of the year. Neil, you are the selectee for October 25.”

“Yes, you now are officially old, Neil, but we are here to tell you that you shouldn’t feel blue about that,” Jane continued. “Countless millions of humans are on the same rung of the age ladder as you, or above, so take comfort in their company. What’s more, there might be many more years of good life ahead of you. And if not, well, your journey will have been a fulfilling one when it reaches its conclusion, n’est-ce pas?”

And with that Jane and Joe shoved their remarkable fingers beneath the table and lifted up a chocolate birthday cake. Happy Birthday, Big Guy! it read. Sixty-six unlit candles, one of them for good luck, covered the cake’s surface. Jane aimed her finger at the candles and they instantly ignited, just as I knew they would. As I blew the candles out, Joe and Jane serenaded me with the Happy Birthday song. And I soon joined in. Our three-part harmonies were majestic, reaching the ethers.

“Neil, I want to apologize for the way I acted towards you before,” Joe said after the song was sung, shoveling chocolate cake into his core. “I’m kind of testy, on edge. This Earthly assignment is getting to me. Jane and I have been doing this gig for, what, 100 years? I can’t begin to tell you how f*cking sick I am of the Happy Birthday song. Shit, if my planet had a retirement system I’d be first in line to sign up. Ah, what’s the use? It’s been a pleasure, pardner. Adios.” He opened his ship’s door and out I went.

A few minutes later, stuffed with cake, I was back in bed. Joe and Jane silently had lifted off from my backyard, their ship disappearing from sight in less than a nanosecond. Never again, I’m certain, will I see them.

Nearly six years have elapsed since my 65th spin around the Sun. I think about Joe and Jane every day. And I take delight in the knowledge that studied opinions and from-the-heart outpourings, uplifting or not, can arrive from outer space.

 

(Don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this story. Thanks.)

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84 thoughts on “The Night I Was Serenaded By Space Aliens!

  1. lievelee July 26, 2018 / 12:24 am

    I could do with a visit like that myself when the big 65 comes knocking on my door…. Very amusing, true or not…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Still the Lucky Few July 26, 2018 / 1:13 am

    My sympathies go out to Jane and Joe—after 100 years, you’d think their exalted leader could come up with a different assignment. That song is pure torture,

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger July 26, 2018 / 11:16 am

      Morning, Diane. It’s true. Of course, I don’t really know if their assignment has been changed or not since 2012. Maybe it has.

      Like

  3. George July 26, 2018 / 4:21 am

    So this is an admission you’be been on the space-cake 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. bone&silver July 26, 2018 / 4:25 am

    I just turned 52 and I’m SO glad Joe and Jane didn’t materialise to serenade me, I’d have FREAKED OUT

    Liked by 2 people

  5. vprofy July 26, 2018 / 7:40 am

    We’re same age, Neil. Just had
    71. No spaceship trip for me yet. What am I doing wrong?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. joyce hamilton July 26, 2018 / 7:46 am

    Too many beers before bed.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Laurie Graves July 26, 2018 / 9:30 am

    What a way to celebrate sixty-five! I have four more years to go before my turn comes for aliens and chocolate cake.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Li July 26, 2018 / 1:00 pm

    Hi 🙂 I like much the way you start your story: just like Snoopy-Schulz (from Peanuts) begins all his disastrous tales and novels. When I read your “It was a dark and stormy night”, I laughed out loud, alone in my bed :))

    Liked by 1 person

  9. cincinnatibabyhead July 26, 2018 / 1:19 pm

    Coast to Coast AM is awaiting this experience. Fridays night is open lines I’ll be tuning in awaiting your call. There’s been a rash of Bigfoot sightings a good old Space Man/Woman story is in line. .

    Liked by 2 people

  10. andrewcferguson July 26, 2018 / 4:36 pm

    Good use of ‘behooves,’ Neil. In September I’ll have 9 years to prepare for going in Joe and Jane’s hat – I’ll try to make myself as memorable as you obviously were!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger July 26, 2018 / 5:27 pm

      I had a college instructor who occasionally used the word “behooves” when he spoke. It’s not a word you come across every day, that’s for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Ann Coleman July 26, 2018 / 6:03 pm

    Well, that’s a better birthday celebration than any I’ve ever had! Although I haven’t turned 65 yet, so maybe my turn is coming?

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Becky July 26, 2018 / 6:05 pm

    My favourite part of this tale is your majestic three-part harmonies reaching the ethers. That line made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the chuckle, Neil. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger July 26, 2018 / 9:40 pm

      Hey there, Becky. I just got home from a concert by Sidi Toure and his band. They are from Mali. Their vocal and instrumental harmonies were incredible. An amazing show.

      Like

      • Becky July 26, 2018 / 10:01 pm

        Oh wow! Having only heard three or four songs since looking him/them up after seeing your comment, I can imagine that it was amazing. Sounds like a lovely evening.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. sniderjerry July 26, 2018 / 9:15 pm

    When I turned 65 my dead uncle spoke to me from a “medium’ tee shirt at the J. C.Penny store.

    good luck with your next birthday. Jerry

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger July 26, 2018 / 9:44 pm

      Gerard, I’ll put in a good word for you with the space aliens (if I ever see them again). I’ll ask that they treat you right!

      Like

  14. tanjabrittonwriter July 26, 2018 / 10:54 pm

    Happy belated 65th birthday, Neil! If the more mature our age, the more profound our mind-bending experiences, we have nothing to fear. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  15. C C Cedras July 27, 2018 / 4:22 pm

    Took me a day or so to settle down and read this — so glad I did! I needed a smile. Thanks, Neil. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Isabelle July 27, 2018 / 4:46 pm

    I feel a little blue right now, still a few years to go in my case. And even if I was 65 years, the chance for being selected might not be that good. But there’s always a chance…

    Your creativity, storytelling skills and good sense of humour is adorable, Neil!

    Till next time, Isabelle

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Alyson July 28, 2018 / 5:05 am

    Well, that was quite a special birthday visit Neil. I can see a film being made of the story of Joe and Jane – It could be a winner.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Glen available July 28, 2018 / 9:31 pm

    Now all you have to do Neil is transfer the incredible luck you experienced when your name was drawn out of the ‘humongous hat’ to the U.S. MegaMillions Lotto Draw and your next birthday is set for even more jaw-dropping surprises.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Janet Sunderland July 28, 2018 / 9:49 pm

    Well. No doubt one way to celebrate 65! I enjoyed the second-hand birthday surprise. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. selizabryangmailcom July 29, 2018 / 10:57 pm

    I love it. I just wrote about some aliens with “unpronounceable” names in my novel. Either great minds think alike…or “unpronounceable alien names” is humor that’s already antediluvian in nature. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger July 30, 2018 / 6:45 am

      Hey, I had to go to Google to look up what “antediluvian” means.
      I think that both parts of your “either . . or . . .” are true!
      Have a great week, Stacey. See ya —

      Liked by 1 person

      • selizabryangmailcom July 30, 2018 / 10:27 pm

        Yeah, it’s become a favorite of mine because it has six syllables!!! (Way more excited about that than I should be)

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Jacqui Murray July 30, 2018 / 1:55 pm

    No one can start fiction with “It was a dark and stormy night.” unless, of course, you add, “Damn straight it was.” That made it work. Who says you can’t start a story with weather!

    Liked by 2 people

  22. K E Garland July 30, 2018 / 4:05 pm

    “It was a dark and stormy night” cracked me up! Also, I’m surprised/impressed you remembered to lock the door when leaving for a spaceship lol Aaaand, my youngest daughter’s bday is 10/25!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. alhenry July 30, 2018 / 6:29 pm

    “It was a dark and stormy night” has been the tee-off point of many a work of literature(?), but probably none so enjoyably funny as your’s. May the aliens grant you a visit when you reach 100.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. pjlazos July 31, 2018 / 7:36 am

    Great story, Neil. Once as a kid when I was out playing in the backyard something in the sky started following me. It was maybe 20 feet above my head, spinning with a little whirling sound. I was maybe 10 years old. I would have said it was a toy of some kind – my dad’s cousin had once shown us a picture of a “UFO” that he said he saw but my dad said it was a fake. Anyway, when I ran around the yard and over to my neighbor’s yard it followed me, staying just overhead. This was decades before drones, no one was outside in any of the yards in my general vicinity, and the thing wasn’t loud or noisy like a toy from the times would have been. I got so scared I ran home. I’ve had one or two other close encounters over the years so I do believe we are visited from time to time, but it’s likely that whoever it is follows the prime directive of no interference. (I am not a Trekkie, but Roddenberry was getting those story ideas from somewhere!)🧐

    Liked by 3 people

  25. Mellow Curmudgeon August 2, 2018 / 8:40 pm

    The LOL silliness of this fun post reminds me of some other inspired silliness that actually makes sense as music.  Your alien friend Joe might even come to like the birthday song if he googles [happy birthday fugue].  Here are YouTube embed codes for 2 of the hits:

    These 2 versions are good, and others may well be.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 2, 2018 / 9:18 pm

      Hi there. I like the first one (the fugue) more than the organ version. Many thanks for sending them my way. YouTube is a goldmine!

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Linda Thornton August 3, 2018 / 9:43 am

    I like your sense of humor, Neil. That and you and my husband have the same birthday (different year). Keep writing!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 3, 2018 / 10:29 am

      Hi Linda. Probably the most famous person with an Oct 25 birthday is Pablo Picasso.
      I learned that piece of trivia in elementary school.

      Like

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 4, 2018 / 11:42 am

      You know, I got a kick from writing this piece. Half the time I wasn’t sure where I was going with it.
      Thanks a lot for stopping by, Amanda. Much appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

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