Jeff Bezos Spoke With Me! (An Amazonian Story)

Yeah, Another Blogger

I was mad as hell. You would have been too if the monogrammed boxer shorts that you ordered from Amazon came with incorrect initials. My initials are NSS, not ASS, for crying out loud! And the manufacturer got it wrong not once, not twice, but thrice. And so I decided to give Amazon a piece of my mind before returning defective goods to them once again. They needed to know that Underpants R Us, based in Crotchonia, Bulgaria, is a firm that does not deserve to have its products handled by the world’s largest online retailer!

That’s why I dialed 888-280-4331 last week, Amazon’s customer service number in the USA. I wasn’t sure where my dissatisfaction would take me. Turns out that the call resulted in an experience that in a million years I wouldn’t have expected.

“This is Anna, in Amazon’s customer service department in beautiful Kennewick, Washington. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with, and how are you this fine day?” were the words that greeted me. Ah, such a lovely tone. Anna seemed so agreeable, so gentle over the phone, I almost decided not to burden her with my complaint. But complain I did, succinctly explaining the situation without ever raising my voice.

Anna listened attentively, confirming all pertinent information and asking appropriate questions. Then she took me aback.

“Mr. Scheinin,” she said, “I am pleased to let you know that there is a special visitor in our facility today. He stops by several times each year, being a very hands-on individual. He has been listening to our conversation and has indicated to me that he would like to talk with you. He will provide you with the highest level of customer satisfaction. If it’s all right, then, I’m going to place Mr. Bezos — Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s founder and CEO — on the line.”

“Why, yes, that is absolutely all right, Anna,” I said. “Thank you.”

A few seconds passed. And then I heard the voice of the world’s richest person. (He’s worth well over 100 billion American dollars.)

Photo of Jeff Bezos by Tom Stockill/Redux

“Neil! This is Jeff Bezos. I’m so sorry that you’ve been having problems with some of our merchandise. I don’t quite understand what the situation is, though. Something’s wrong with your ass, is that it?”

“Well, not exactly, Jeff. You see . . .”

He cut me off. “Neil, if your derriere isn’t feeling right, I have just the product for you. I totally swear by it. I tell you, it’s provided me with wonderful relief many times in recent years. Preparation H, Neil. Preparation H. It’s been around forever, and that’s because it works. Hemorrhoids begone! Neil, Amazon will be glad to sell you a case of this magical concoction, enough for many years, for a mere $109.99. And shipping, it goes without saying, is free. What do you say, Neil? May I process your order?”

“Mr. Bezos,” I said, “you’ve got it all wrong. Let me start from the beginning. You see, I’ve been having enormous difficulty obtaining properly-monogrammed boxer shorts . . . oh, it’s a long, boring story. Who really cares? I’ll just keep the ones with ASS stitched onto them. My wife thinks those initials are appropriate, anyway. Listen, do you have a couple of minutes?”

“Indeed I do. Wassup?”

“Jeff, you’ve climbed to the top of the mountain. You have achieved success and wealth to a degree that boggles the mind. Obviously you are a man with a plan. On the other hand, I’m a chap with no map. Jeff, all my life I’ve been bouncing through life like a pinball, rarely finding satisfaction, unable to smell the roses because of my intense sinus condition. Hire me, Mr. B! I want a job that I can throw myself into.”

“Neil, I liked you the moment we started talking. But I have to probe a little deeper to make sure that you’re the right individual for the position I have in mind. Spot quiz: Spell hemorrhoid quickly!”

Wham! The convoluted letters flew off my tongue like bullets.

“Excellent! Another spot quiz: How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

“Jeff, that depends on how deeply they want to analyze the situation. Writers, you know, can be complicated.”

“Right on, Neil! You’re the first person to get that one correct. My man, I can’t believe my good fortune in meeting you today. I want you to join Amazon as my sounding board. I have so many ideas to bounce off you. For instance, I’d like to create a chain of restaurants that serve nothing but LOL sandwiches — liverwurst, onion and Limburger. Man, I love me a good LOL! And I have the perfect slogan for the sandwich: It surely does smell, but what the hell.”

“That’s brilliant, Jeff. Brilliant.”

“Thanks, Neil. And how about this one? Amazon gas stations manned by robots who give you the best hugs of your life before and after they fill up your car’s tank. Customers will drive away bursting with happiness!”

“Bravo, Jeff! You have your finger on humanity’s pulse. It will be an honor to work for you. What’s my salary going to be, by the way? Eighty grand a year sounds about right, don’t you think?”

“Salary? Who said anything about a salary? This is an unpaid internship, Neil. Despite the lack of remuneration, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. When, my boy, can you start?”

That was a good question. I don’t encounter good questions all that often. And when I do, I usually don’t have good responses to them. This time I did.

“Later, Jeff,” I said.

(Please don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this piece. I thank you.)

128 thoughts on “Jeff Bezos Spoke With Me! (An Amazonian Story)”

  2. Still the Lucky Few's avatar Still the Lucky Few March 11, 2019 / 1:04 am

    I’m disappointed to hear that Jeff Bezos is a poor listener—guy as rich as he is should be able to get the gist of the problem in a matter of seconds. But you’ve got to hand it to him, the LOL sandwich idea is impressive!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
  5. Sheree's avatar Sheree March 11, 2019 / 1:56 am

    This most definitely made me chuckle

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  6. smilecalm's avatar smilecalm March 11, 2019 / 2:36 am

    richest guy gonna
    give it up
    to underwear guy?
    well, at least you
    had the right answer 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
  8. in567's avatar krcc March 11, 2019 / 4:02 am

    I wouldnt know who he was had i been the caller. Thanks for letting me know the dude’s name! 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
      • in567's avatar krcc March 11, 2019 / 10:45 am

        Yeah, maybe we had read the same news article. I saw his name on there…but forgot all about it, ’til this post.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply
      • Apple Hill Cottage's avatar Apple Hill Cottage March 11, 2019 / 10:48 am

        Yes. A couple of months ago when practically the whole world found out his name!
        Funny writing! I wish I’d had a map too.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply
  9. Gallivanta's avatar Gallivanta March 11, 2019 / 4:10 am

    I don’t know how you can get NSS but if you LMAO like I am at the moment that will take care of the ASS.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  10. Cathy Cade's avatar Cathy Cade March 11, 2019 / 4:25 am

    I believe.

    (‘you are a man with a plan …. I’m a chap with no map.’ Love it!
    Wish I’d come up with that.)

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 11, 2019 / 10:38 am

      Hi, Cathy. Thanks for stopping by. A good map is invaluable. I wish I’d had one in my younger days. See you!

      Like

      Reply
  11. Annika Perry's avatar Annika Perry March 11, 2019 / 6:03 am

    Neil, a great story/post to start my week … had me chuckling away! 😀😀

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  14. andrewcferguson's avatar andrewcferguson March 11, 2019 / 8:20 am

    He doesn’t know what he’s missing, Neil! 80 grand pa sounded a small price for your insight. And we get it here for free!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  18. Jacqui Murray's avatar Jacqui Murray March 11, 2019 / 10:24 am

    Pretty much how I’d imagine an impromptu conversation with Jeff Bezos. Completely woke.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 11, 2019 / 10:52 am

      I was glad to talk with him, even though the outcome was less than satisfactory. See you, Jacqui!

      Like

      Reply
  19. odylicious (Val)'s avatar odylicious (Val) March 11, 2019 / 11:17 am

    Geez, and when I wrote directly to good old Jeffo, I got a response from some flunky. Go figure. Must be your day.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  20. Almost Iowa's avatar Almost Iowa March 11, 2019 / 11:39 am

    An unpaid internship? How did you finagle that? When I talked to Jeff, he wanted to charge me to work there. Apparently, internships are their new line….free shipping though.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  22. JT Twissel's avatar JT Twissel March 11, 2019 / 3:40 pm

    LOL! I bet that was a Jeff Bezos Bot you were talking to, randomly spewing out options for you. We hear you liked Ass, here are the Ass products other customers have bought!!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  23. Ann Coleman's avatar Ann Coleman March 11, 2019 / 5:04 pm

    Yep, that’s the key to Amazon’s success right there….why pay your workers, especially when very soon a robot will be able to do the job? But still, it’s impressive that the richest man in the world offered you a job, and Preparation H!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 11, 2019 / 6:02 pm

      Hi. I don’t know much about JB. But somewhere I read that he raised the wages of many or most Amazon employees to a minimum of $15 per hour. So, that’s a plus.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Ann Coleman's avatar Ann Coleman March 12, 2019 / 6:33 pm

        That’s good to know! I’ve heard bad things about how they treat their employees, with strict quotas and quick dismissals, so maybe it’s not as bad as I think.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply
        • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 12, 2019 / 7:19 pm

          What you heard might be right. I don’t know, so I’m going to do some reading about the subject. Take care, Ann.

          Like

          Reply
  24. cath's avatar cath March 11, 2019 / 5:51 pm

    Monogrammed underwear? Wow, how swanky is that?

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  26. Helen Devries's avatar Helen Devries March 11, 2019 / 8:46 pm

    You could contact Underpants R Us and market a line of boxer shorts labelled ASS…..women would buy them in droves for the ASS in their lives…or out of them.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  27. alhenry's avatar alhenry March 11, 2019 / 10:06 pm

    A truly modern day story we can all get behind. Get it? We can all get BEHIND. Truly a great fabrication, Neil, and as for the incorrectly monogrammed knickers, possibly you should change your first name to Alfonso??? If the knickers fit, own them!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  28. Robert Parker's avatar Robert Parker March 11, 2019 / 10:42 pm

    Can’t you just turn the shorts inside-out, like on Tuesdays & Thursdays, and then the spelling would be ok? And please shoot me an email when the LOL sandwiches are available, sounds great!! You have really funny conversations in your head, we all really enjoyed this!! 🙂 .

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  29. Alyson's avatar Alyson March 12, 2019 / 3:56 am

    Very good as ever – I like when you write about these these “real life” situations you find yourself in.

    I’m sure your ASS could be changed with a permanent marker – But at the moment just a bit embarrASSing

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  30. Suzanne's avatar Suzanne March 12, 2019 / 5:52 am

    Funny! I really should get the Squire and myself some initialized underwear! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  31. odylicious (Val)'s avatar odylicious (Val) March 12, 2019 / 8:28 am

    I’ll bet those ASS emblazoned undies are quite marketable. Just think of all of the wonderful men out there that they fit perfectly…according to the little woman! Someone really should come out with a line of them anyway. I know I’d pick some up if I hadn’t gotten rid of my ASS 30 years ago.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  32. Paddy Tobin's avatar Paddy Tobin March 12, 2019 / 10:30 am

    You’re on a roll – back to the keyboard immediately

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  33. sniderjerry's avatar sniderjerry March 12, 2019 / 1:26 pm

    Underwear…remember how many greats started at the bottom! all the best. Jerry

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  34. Isabelle's avatar Isabelle March 12, 2019 / 3:32 pm

    Hi Neil, I’ve been waiting for a real laugh the whole day. Pretty up of another snowy day with grey skies. And then this big giggle came, precisely at 08.29 pm. It made my day (or evening). Take care, Isabelle

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 12, 2019 / 4:44 pm

      Hi. I’m sick of snow too. We actually haven’t had too much this winter in the Philadelphia area, luckily. But a week ago I was shoveling snow for an hour and a half, which is good exercise but a pain in the neck. Anyway, see you!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  35. tanjabrittonwriter's avatar tanjabrittonwriter March 12, 2019 / 6:45 pm

    Just knowing that you wear monogrammed underwear puts you in an entirely different light, Neil. It must be taxing to deal with the rest of us.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  36. Racquel's avatar Rakkelle March 12, 2019 / 10:37 pm

    You had me there for a moment. For a hot minute I thought this story was actually true.🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  37. Kimberly's avatar Kimberly March 12, 2019 / 11:19 pm

    Hilarious! Thanks for the LOL… When Amazon sent me the wrong pajama bottoms, I was told I could get free shipping on my next purchase.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  38. Carmel Bendon's avatar Carmel Bendon March 13, 2019 / 12:03 am

    Hilarious. A really needed that laugh today. And I’m thinking that underwear with the initials ASS really lends itself to re-gifting to any number of relatives at Christmas time.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  42. roughwighting's avatar roughwighting March 13, 2019 / 3:23 pm

    Fun, funny story. And for the first quarter I thought it was non-fiction (but yeah, I’m gullible). I love writing fantasy every now and then too.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger March 13, 2019 / 5:05 pm

      Hi. You know, I didn’t write anything of this sort for the first year or so. Since then, quite a few have emerged. Thanks for the visit. See ya!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  43. selizabryangmailcom's avatar selizabryangmailcom March 13, 2019 / 3:56 pm

    Lol, such a great guy, Jeff! And I think you were uncharacteristically ungracious and selfish to turn down the unpaid internship. I bet Keith Richards would JUMP at said opportunity and not even look back!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  46. annika's avatar annika March 14, 2019 / 8:29 pm

    Hilarious! I’m sure Mr. Bezos would get a good laugh too!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  49. jeanleesworld's avatar jeanleesworld March 17, 2019 / 6:53 am

    Ha!This is why I tell my students to always read through their work out loud. One letter can make a HUGE difference!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  50. Steve Higgins's avatar Steve Higgins March 17, 2019 / 8:52 pm

    You made me laugh Neil. Ever thought of changing your blog to yeah another blagger?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a comment