Yo! And Ho, Ho, Ho Too: A Guest Post By Santa Claus

Yo! And ho, ho, ho too. This is your boy, Santa Claus, checking in from the suburbs of Philadelphia, USA. Yeah, I know that it will be Christmas Eve in two days. And yeah, I know that I should be at the North Pole, preparing to deliver gifts to a billion kiddies all over the world. But, screw it! I’ll go back home soon enough. And I fully intend to fulfill my obligations on the eve of all eves. For now, though, I’m playing hooky. I need a break from Mrs. Claus, who’s been getting on my nerves big-time recently. “Lose some weight, lose some weight,” she says to me 50 times a day. “Okay, girl, I will,” I keep telling her, “but it wouldn’t hurt if you drop a few yourself.”

There’s only so much aggravation a guy can take. That’s why I jumped into my sleigh a little while ago and guided the reindeer, at lightning speed, to the house of my pals Neil and Sandy in the Philly suburbs. What is it with those reindeer, by the way? When they’re not airborne they spend most of their time crapping, pissing and spitting. What a mess! And I’m the one who’s got to clean up after them. God forbid that Mrs. Claus pitches in once in a while. Well, it’ll be Neil and Sandy who’ll inherit that job this time. Tough luck, guys! That’s what can happen when Santa pays a visit.

Minutes ago, as quietly as falling snow, we landed on my friends’ backyard grass. It’s 4:45 PM and getting dark outside, so I doubt if Neil and Sandy realize that I’m here. I’ll knock on their door soon, but first I’m going to take a stroll through their neighborhood, which I did once before, on Christmas Eve in 2016 (if you click here, you’ll read all about it). I was down in the dumps then, and seeing the beautiful Christmas lights and other decorations on the houses and front lawns cheered me up tremendously. So much so that the next day, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, or something or other like that, I delivered the goods all over the world with unprecedented vigor. Mrs. Claus would be ecstatic if I ever demonstrated vigor like that in the sack. But what the hell . . . I’m Santa Claus, not Leonardo DiCaprio.

I must say that the temperature isn’t too bad here. It’s cold but a whole lot warmer than that frigging icebox of a region that I call home. You know, come to think of it, I bet that freezing my ass off like I do at the North Pole might be at the root of my chronically lackluster sexual performance. I’ve got to give some serious thought to relocating to warmer climes. Jamaica would be nice as a new home base. So would Tahiti. If we slimmed down, Mrs. Claus and I would look sharp in either of those places, strolling the sands in bright red Speedo bathing suits.

But you know what? I think that the Philadelphia burbs might be an even better choice. For one thing, Neil and Sandy are there. They’ve proven to be good friends, even though my contacts with them have been few. And I need friends. I hardly have any at the North Pole. How could I? Almost nobody is nuts enough to live there. Except for me and the missus and those weirdo elves.

Okay, it’s time to take in the sights. They improved my emotional state in 2016, and they better do the same tonight. Wow, look at that house! And that one, and that one, and that one! The people on these blocks sure know how to decorate. Bravo, folks, bravo! I tip my floppy cap to your excellent choices of colors and inflatable figures. Especially the inflatable Santas. This neighborhood is alive with good cheer and good taste. I love it! My stress level is heading south. I’m glad I decided to make this trip.

Uh-oh. My watch says that 6:00 PM has arrived. It’s almost time for me to head back home. But I have to drop in for a few minutes at the Scheinin household before that. The exterior of Neil and Sandy’s house isn’t decorated, of course. Christmas isn’t their holiday. They’re Jewish. And tonight is the first night of Chanukah. Maybe they haven’t lit the menorah candles yet. I hope so. I love lighting those little cuties and saying the Chanukah blessings. There aren’t many gentiles who can pronounce Β HebrewΒ  as fluently as me. You better believe that it isn’t easy getting those kh sounds to resonate from the back of your throat.

I’m ringing their doorbell. I hear footsteps. The door is opening.

“Holy shit, it’s Santa!” Neil exclaims eloquently, concisely and accurately. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? C’mon in. We’re about to light the menorah candles. We’ll let you do that. And you can recite the blessings too. Sandy, we’ve got a guest!”

“Don’t mind if I do,” I say, moving gingerly so as not to get stuck within the door frame. I’m a fat f*ck. Mrs. Claus is right about that. “Neil, it’s more than a pleasure to see you again. And I’ve got big news. I love your neighborhood. There’s a very, very strong chance that you and I soon will be neighbors!”

(Santa Claus suggests that you not be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this story. He thanks you.)

(All photographs were taken by Santa. If you click on any photo, a larger image will open in a separate window.)

125 thoughts on “Yo! And Ho, Ho, Ho Too: A Guest Post By Santa Claus

  1. cincinnatibabyhead December 31, 2019 / 12:29 pm

    You always put a smile on my face. later fella I’m off to work on my Chanukah blessings. I need a little work on them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. D. Wallace Peach January 1, 2020 / 12:22 pm

    Nice lights, Neil. I’m glad your neighborhood was able to cheer Santa up. What a grinch. Ha ha. Here’s to a Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 1, 2020 / 1:28 pm

      Hi. I think that the Christmas lights in my neighborhood are more impressive this winter than in any other winter that I’ve seen them.

      Enjoy the day. See ya!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The Artist's Child January 3, 2020 / 8:17 am

    Great to hear about your continuing friendship with Santa. Very entertaining. Lovely photos. The Christmas lights in your neighbourhood are exceptional. Happy 2020!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dweezer19 January 4, 2020 / 12:43 pm



  5. candidkay January 5, 2020 / 7:39 pm

    Hey, Santa, take it easy on Mrs. Claus. She just doesn’t want to have to step into fill some very big shoes . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 5, 2020 / 8:44 pm

      Hi. Overall, I’m pretty sure that Mr and Mrs Claus have a good relationship. It isn’t perfect, but what is?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. viewfromoverthehill January 16, 2020 / 7:54 pm

    That guy would visit you. He never came to my place! Just as well. If he had, he’d probably have brought me coal. Happy whatever. Muriel

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 16, 2020 / 9:19 pm

      Next time I see him, I’m going to ask him to visit you. I accept your thanks in advance.


  7. Silver Screenings January 19, 2020 / 1:07 pm

    Haha! Based on the images you’ve posted, I think Santa has excellent taste in neighbourhoods.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jeanleesworld February 13, 2020 / 9:41 pm

    Gosh, how far behind am I? It figures we had such a dull landscape for December, but Febraury’s been as snowy as any Midwest winter can be. I keep putting on my Christmas lights because NOW it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…sigh…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 13, 2020 / 10:31 pm

      Strange weather in many regions this winter. We usually get a healthy amount of snow here in the Philly area, for example. But so far this winter we’ve had virtually none.

      Hi Jean. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.