Me? In The Biden Administration? We Shall See!

Will I be working for this gentleman?
(Photo copyright by Andrew Harnik, Associated Press)

I didn’t answer my cell phone when it rang yesterday, because the call was from a number not in my contacts list. But the caller left a voicemail message that any sensible person would respond to without haste. “Neil,” the message began, “this is Nick Oftime, an assistant director of President-elect Biden’s transition team. I got your phone number from your editor, Edgar Reewright. Please get back to me. I believe that you might be a good fit for a position in the Biden administration.”

Huh? Me? In Washington, DC? Man, I called Nick back faster than Usain Bolt got out of his starting blocks in the 2016 Olympics.

“Nick, this is Neil,” I said when Nick answered. “The President-elect wants little ol’ me to serve in DC? Why, this is a dream come true. I’m stunned. I’m excessively flattered. I accept the offer!”

“Neil, calm down. You don’t even know what the job is. What’s more, you’re not the only person we’re looking at. That’s why I said ‘you might be a good fit.’ Might, Neil. Might.”

“Okay,” I replied, “I understand. So, you know Edgar Reewright?”

“Yes. He’s my editor too, you see. He edited a book of mine that came out three years ago, one that I thought for sure would be a smash hit but bombed instead. It’s called Donald And His Teddy Bears: A President’s Obsession. It’s 100% factual, Neil. Though not many people know this, Trump has been collecting teddy bears since he was four years old. He owns hundreds of them, and every single one is in his White House bedroom. They take up so much space, he barely has any room for clothes, let alone Melania. That’s why he wears the same blue suit every damn day.”

“Nick, that sounds like a book that should have sold a million copies. What does Edgar have to say about that?”

“Oh, he always tells me to write another book, that the second one undoubtedly would do much better than the first. That’s what I was speaking about with him a few days ago. My plans are to delve into one of Trump’s other obsessions: his megalomania-fueled need to have powerful bowel movements four or more times every day. I’ll title the book Trump Takes A Dump (Many Dumps, Actually). This will reveal a side of Donald that he’s been hiding for years and years. But I have to put the President-elect above my writing career, so I’ll work on the book only in the occasional moments of spare time that come my way.”

“Nick, it can’t miss! I predict that your next effort will shoot to the top of every best seller list. Why, gastroenterologists alone will send sales through the roof. What’s Edgar’s opinion?”

“It’s hard to say. He didn’t seem overly enthusiastic, to tell you the truth. And that’s when he brought up your name. He said that, like mine, your ideas and writings are — and I’m going to quote him —  ‘pure drivel.’ Well, my ears picked up. ‘Give me Neil’s phone number, Edgar,’ I demanded. ‘He might be just the person I’m looking for.’ Edgar obliged.”

“And I’m glad that he did. Nick, I’m on pins and needles to hear about the job you’re considering me for.”

“Let me run it by you. Mr. Biden and his team are thinking about making you the public presence for the little guy. And not just any little guy, but the type that’s going nowhere, that’s got no particular talent of any sort to speak of, and that nonetheless keeps their nose to the grindstone while remaining in pretty good spirits. You seem to meet those qualifications, Neil, and I say so because I spent half of yesterday reading dozens of stories on your blog. Edgar was right, you know. They are, for the most part, pure drivel. But that doesn’t stop you from turning them out at a halfway decent rate, does it? That’s very admirable. Still, you’re not a shoo-in to be hired. If it’s okay with you, I’ll be calling some of your friends and relatives to try and learn if you meet our requirements in every respect.”

Naturally, I gave my consent.

“Neil,” Nick continued, “you’d help to boost the morale of many Americans if we decide to choose you for this job, because they would learn that the much-better-than average Joe who soon will occupy the White House is thinking about all Americans, that he is committed to making the USA a welcoming place for every one of its citizens, including inconsequential ones such as you. The person we tap will go out on speaking tours and will be all over the media. It’s the chance of a lifetime. How about it, Neil? Might the job interest you?”

“Would I have my own office, Nick? I’d have to have my own office.”

“Yes, of course you would. There’s a secret supply room in the White House basement. Trump stores his cache of toilet paper in there. Thousands of rolls, I’ve been told. I assume that he’ll be taking them with him when he leaves office. In any case, we’d turn that room into a fairly comfortable work place.”

Nick paused. Then he said, “Neil, I have to go. Not to the bathroom, but to the President-elect’s strategy room. There are a few things that he and the team want to discuss with me there. Plus, there are two other individuals I plan to interview today over the phone for the job. One of them is a presumed writer too. Her stuff is even worse than yours. Goodbye, Neil. We will speak again.”

That, then, is where the matter stands for now. Maybe my nation’s capital is in my future. Maybe not. As they say, we shall see.

137 thoughts on “Me? In The Biden Administration? We Shall See!

  1. Lynette d'Arty-Cross December 14, 2020 / 12:23 am

    This is hilarious! 😀 I don’t think I want to read that book, though. The notion of what might come out of Trump’s rump is much too vivid an image for me.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 1:28 pm

      If Nick Oftime writes the book, it might become the best-selling book so far in the 21st century. It probably would outsell Michelle Obama’s autobiography!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. loristory December 14, 2020 / 1:01 am

    I was just about to say “This is hilarious” but I see it’s been said before me. Just goes to prove that I’m well-qualified to be your drivel ghost-writer, should you require my services.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Paddy Tobin December 14, 2020 / 4:11 am

    You’re a shoo-in, a certainty, made for the job. jajajajja and we would all enjoy the laughs when you were there. You have my support in your application.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Victoria Ray NB December 14, 2020 / 5:40 am

    funny 🙂 ah, so many “secret rooms” in the White House… the rooms we know nothing about. Neil is def should get in and tell us more about it 🙂 – the insider job? 😶😉

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Basia Korzeniowska December 14, 2020 / 6:35 am

    Who’s the female drivel rival?
    Wonderful – enjoy your post at the White House and keep on writing!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. swabby429 December 14, 2020 / 8:34 am

    The Teddy Bears! I can picture them crammed into Donald’s bedroom.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Steve Higgins December 14, 2020 / 8:48 am

    Trump takes a Dump? I might just give a copy to anyone who gets me socks again this Christmas!
    All the best Neil

    Liked by 2 people

  8. George December 14, 2020 / 8:51 am

    Fantastic Neil! Fingers crossed you’ll soon be taking up residence in the space freshly evacuated by Trump’s toilet rolls. I’m slightly non-plussed that Nick didn’t call me, but I’m putting that down to not being American.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 1:43 pm

      George, your essays are high quality. For that reason, Nick would never contact you, seeing that he’s looking for people who create drivel.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Debra December 14, 2020 / 9:11 am

    Hey, where’s my call? I can write drivel with the best of them. Don’t stop with a WH job. Scheinin a Shoo-In for Prez 2024!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. SandyL December 14, 2020 / 9:29 am

    What’s the job title? Chief of Drivel? Can you put ChoD on your business card?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 1:46 pm

      Afternoon, Sandy. You bring up a good point. Maybe they haven’t decided upon a job title yet. Chief Of Drivel is a good one, though.

      Liked by 2 people

      • SandyL December 14, 2020 / 2:03 pm

        I know you’llbe much better than the current holders of the title 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. K E Garland December 14, 2020 / 10:37 am

    LOL The hard part about these times is that satire is hella hard to pull off, but “Trump takes a Dump” sounds like the literary president’s speed.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Robert Parker December 14, 2020 / 11:04 am

    Wow, this is great news! And lots of people have some nonsense and poppycock in their writing, but you’ve gone to a higher plane, Pure Drivel, perfect! They’ve definitely gotta have you near the seat of power. Speaking of seat, don’t let them clear out the TP room, a whole office full of toilet paper sounds really comfortable, just tell them, that’s how I roll.
    Thanks for the laughs, Neil!

    Liked by 4 people

  13. Mellow Curmudgeon December 14, 2020 / 11:12 am

    😀  In this truth-is-stranger-than-fiction year, U found a hilarious new way to razz DJT.  I also like the subtler razzing of the overreaction to arrogant elitism that says any schnook can do the job.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 1:50 pm

      Trump excels at appointing schnooks to important positions. Trump’s one of a kind, and I mean that in the worst of ways.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Sam Gridley December 14, 2020 / 11:12 am

    I hope you do get to lead the Office of Nonentities, where you can speak up for us for the next 18 years (because we plan to ignore the Constitution).

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Joyce Hamilton December 14, 2020 / 11:21 am

    🤣😂🤣😂🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  16. rkrontheroad December 14, 2020 / 11:22 am

    Just want I needed to start my day – I grinned through this whole piece! It just goes to show, it all depends on who you know. Maybe this guy wasn’t the best contact, but it gets you in the door! 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 1:55 pm

      I’m amazed that I’m even being considered for the job. If it wasn’t for my pure drivel, I’d never have come to Nick’s attention.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Anabel @ The Glasgow Gallivanter December 14, 2020 / 11:43 am

    Cheering you on, Neil! How wonderful it would be to have one of our blogging community in the White House. I’m sure you could get us all Mr President’s ear when it mattered.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Donna Cameron December 14, 2020 / 11:46 am

    I’m laughing. This portends a time when we can again indulge in presidential humor without being sickened by the despicable nature of the president and his accomplices. Hoping you get that job, Neil.

    Liked by 4 people

  19. andrewcferguson December 14, 2020 / 12:40 pm

    Neil, there is great art in writing pure drivel. Just ask, oh, I don’t know, Dan Brown… so glad your weapons-grade drivel has reached the ears of one of the President’s aides: but don’t sell yourself short. When the teddy bears go, there should be lots of spare offices available!

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh on a wet, dreich Monday, as ever.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 2:02 pm

      You know, that secret basement storage room would suit me just find. I’d be able to do plenty of snoozing and web-surfing there.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 3:41 pm

      I’ve never looked forward to an incoming president as much as I am right now. Trump and his sicko appointees and cronies are the pits.

      Liked by 1 person

      • snakesinthegrass2014 December 14, 2020 / 4:19 pm

        I agree with you 100%. The toxic environment unfortunately will remain, but at least we can again have a decent and honorable president in the WH.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. talebender December 14, 2020 / 2:01 pm

    I fear you may be just bidin’ your time, waiting for that next call!
    But keep us posted…..

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 3:42 pm

      Hey there. One thing for sure is that Biden ain’t bidin’ his time. He’s ready for action!

      Like

  21. Cindy R. December 14, 2020 / 2:36 pm

    Once that huge Trump cesspool is finally drained, your “drivel” will be an invigorating dose of fresh air!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 3:47 pm

      It will be a pleasure and a relief to have normal people in the executive branch. Trump and his crew are mutants.

      Like

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 14, 2020 / 3:49 pm

      Laughing is good for us, for sure. The last few nights my wife and I have been getting some good laughs from Extras, a Ricky Gervais series on Netflix.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. cath December 14, 2020 / 3:25 pm

    If this is drivel, I’m happy with it, too. That image of DT’s bedroom stuffed with teddy bears is probably not going to fade easily. I’m visualising him snuggling up in the arms of one of those giant sized ones, with his thumb in his mouth. I never thought I’d want to imagine DT in pjs!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Jacqui Murray December 14, 2020 / 4:06 pm

    But but but–can you avoid the Swamp? Oh my. Good luck and please don’t change!

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Janet Sunderland December 14, 2020 / 5:44 pm

    How could I have forgotten to watch for your posts, Neil? What a relief to read something again that makes me laugh!! Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Carmel Bendon December 14, 2020 / 11:41 pm

    Yes, have to agree with everyone … very, very funny. Thank you, Neil. (And don’t sell yourself short: your drivel is not average – it’s on a level of its own!!!)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 15, 2020 / 8:32 am

      Hi, and thanks for stopping by. I hope that all is well with you and yours. Here’s to a very fine 2021.

      Like

  26. Fran Johns December 14, 2020 / 11:47 pm

    But . . . but . . . while you are representing the little guy, can we count on you also to represent the Little Girl? Specifically the octogenarian girl? I just want to be REALLY clear before I send my support letter re your consideration for this significant post.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 15, 2020 / 8:37 am

      Morning, Fran. When Nick used the term “guy”, he was referring to both genders. In any case, if I’m selected I’ll of course represent everyone. Thanks for your support!

      Like

  27. viewfromoverthehill December 15, 2020 / 12:02 am

    If you need another recommendation, you can call on me. Biden surely knows how important a personage I am so it aught to make it a shoe in for you. (Or maybe a shoe out the door.) You’re a hoot. Exactly what I needed right now. thanks so much for being you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 15, 2020 / 8:39 am

      Hi. One thing for sure is that Joe Biden would be crazy about you. Have a great week. See ya!

      Like

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 15, 2020 / 8:42 am

      Thanks, Henry. I guess I’ll find out fairly soon about the job. But the wheels of government can move very slowly, so who knows.

      Like

  28. Michael Graeme December 15, 2020 / 7:18 am

    This chimes well with me, except for the bit about you writing drivel. Joe could do no better, so long as it doesn’t stop you blogging for the rest of us.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. tylerus December 15, 2020 / 8:24 am

    OMG – that was funny! Do let us know how things go in your new role. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  30. Apple Hill Cottage December 15, 2020 / 2:21 pm

    I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to notice that he only has one suit. Let’s hope he soon trades it in for one with stripes.
    If you get the job please tell Joe to throw his blue suits away; I don’t want any reminders…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 15, 2020 / 4:48 pm

      Trump’s the worst. And, because of him, legions of bigots and other assorted disgraceful people have come out of the woodwork.

      Liked by 1 person

  31. eden baylee December 15, 2020 / 10:21 pm

    I have a good feeling about this Neil … 😉

    Keeping fingers, toes, and eyes crossed

    eden

    Liked by 1 person

  32. cincinnatibabyhead December 16, 2020 / 1:26 am

    You just stay where u are fella. You’re needed in Philly where you belong. They wouldn’t know how to use a guy like you. ‘Baby Please Don’t Go’

    Liked by 2 people

  33. Alyson December 16, 2020 / 6:33 am

    I like it when Edgar Reewright puts in an appearance and this story is a classic. Good luck with it all!

    Liked by 1 person

  34. chattykerry December 16, 2020 / 11:08 am

    Could I be your assistant? I am not sure that mentally unstable women with Scottish accents are fully represented. We lived in a metal house WITHOUT wheels and live on disability. Let me know ASAP.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. greenpete58 December 16, 2020 / 4:00 pm

    I’ll take your so-called “drivel” any day over even one of Tweety’s puerile tweets. Biden could use a good man like you. Go (south) West, young man!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. annieasksyou December 16, 2020 / 8:54 pm

    You have raised pure drivel to a fine art with this one, Neil. And since you do so much walking around, I’d say you’re a shoe-in to get the position.

    I’ll look for you in the bleachers at the Biden Inauguration.

    PS: It is well known that Trump and Melania do not share a bedroom. It is essential that you master such historical drivel to retain your position—in view of the fierce infighting that you’ll surely face. Politics ain’t beanbag, ya know…

    Liked by 1 person

  37. roughwighting December 18, 2020 / 9:30 am

    We writers are good at laughing at ourselves- at least the good ones are. Fun post!

    Liked by 1 person

  38. johnlmalone December 18, 2020 / 9:03 pm

    such a funny pots, Neil; you’re the man for the position; I hope to hear the good news soon; keep me posted 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Paulie December 19, 2020 / 1:53 am

    Hilarious. I must say that you had me going up until the “no particular talent of any sort to speak of, and that nonetheless keeps their nose to the grindstone while remaining in pretty good spirits,” parl.
    Check that, I knew that there was some bullshittery going on when you mentioned Melania in the same room with the Donald. I don’t believe that’s happened in years. How old is Barron? Whenever I mention the whole notion of Melania sharing quarters with the Donald to my wife she throws up in her mouth.
    BTW, I think I’m just as qualified as you are for that job.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger December 19, 2020 / 7:24 am

      Paulie, I’ll put in a good word for you if I get hired. Maybe the Biden team will then be able to find a spot for you too!

      Like

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