My Best-Seller-To-Be

The other day, all excited, I phoned my editor Edgar Reewright and told him about the book idea that had floated into my mind, from out of nowhere, that morning.

“Very nice, Neil, very nice. You’ve got quite the imagination,” he said in a flat tone when I was done. Then he excused himself, explaining that he had to tell his wife something. He asked me to hang on, neglecting to put me on hold. “Yo, Loretta!” I heard him yell. “You know that blogger whose crap I edit?”

Loretta was elsewhere in the house, obviously, but I was able to make out her response. “Right, his name is Noel or Niles or something like that, isn’t it?”

“You’re close. It’s Neil,” Edgar replied. “And he’s on the phone. He called because he plans to write a book, and he wants me to edit it. He’s never written a book before. All he does is turn out pointless essays for his blog. But if he does write this thing, it’ll be so bad it’ll make his essays look good.”

A few seconds later, Edgar spoke again. “I’m back, Neil. Where were we? I’m all ears.”

“All ears, huh? Well, it seems like you’re overlooking your big, loud f*cking mouth! I mean, you weren’t exactly whispering to Loretta just now, Edgar. Only the deaf wouldn’t have heard what you said. My man, you’ve got a lot of nerve talking about me like that. I’ll have you know that I’m a valued writer. WordPress, for instance, holds me in high regard. They contacted me a few days ago to let me know that my blog came in first in their If You Look Deeply, There’s A Slight Chance You’ll Find Something Of Worth And Interest Here competition for 2022. First place, Edgar! I’m very proud.”

“As well you should be, Neil. Listen, what can I say? Your book idea sounds like a loser to me, but maybe I’m wrong. Explain it to me once more, this time in a little more detail.”

“Okay, Edgar. It’s about a homely guy, Roy Oy, who’s going nowhere in life. He’s in his 50s, living with his elderly parents in the house he grew up in and stuck in a dead-end job as the fact-checker for Who’d Have Thunk It? magazine. He hasn’t been on a date in over 20 years and, needless to say, never has had a girlfriend. He spends his off-hours clipping coupons and watching YouTube videos about how to get in touch with space aliens.”

“I’m listening, Neil. Reluctantly,” Edgar said.

“Well, early one morning he’s awakened by a tap on the shoulder. Standing beside him is a strange creature. It’s four feet tall and slender, its bright skin colors pulsating like the aurora borealis and its head spinning around and around so as to take in just about everything all at once.”

“The visitor says, ‘Your incessant YouTube-viewing has paid off, for here I am. I initially planned to abduct you and take you back to my home planet. But I can tell that you’re really pathetic, so I’m not going to bother doing that. However, because I’m very magnanimous I will grant you one wish before I’m on my way. What may I do for you, Mr. Oy?’ ”

“Roy loses no time in answering. He tells the space alien that he wants the world to become a paradise, a place where everybody is loving, kind and generous, and where peace and prosperity reign. The alien says ‘okay, it’s done’ and then leaves via the window it had raised a minute earlier in order to enter the bedroom.”

“So, that’s it, Edgar. Just like that, Planet Earth becomes magnificent. Troubles are over. Everyone gets along. End of story.”

“Yup, I get it, Neil. But I don’t like it. Where’s the tension? Where’s the drama? Hell, nobody wants to read some half-baked, half-assed Pollyannaish tale. Count me out. Go ahead and write the book if you like, but I decline to edit it.”

“As you wish, Edgar. But you’re making a big mistake. Millions and millions of people love books with happy endings. My book, I have no doubt, will climb to the top of the charts and stay there for weeks and weeks. I’m going to become rich, Edgar, and I’d have given you a healthy cut of the profits. Your loss.”

At that moment I swear I could see dollar signs flashing in front of Edgar’s eyes.

“You know, Neil,” he said, “my judgment has been off for a long while. That’s what chronic constipation can do to you. I haven’t taken a dump in weeks, for crying out loud, even though I eat prunes like they’re going out of style and take stool softeners right and left. So, on second thought, count me in!”

“Thanks, Edgar. I’m going to pay you in prunes.”

137 thoughts on “My Best-Seller-To-Be

  1. cindy knoke January 10, 2023 / 12:12 am

    You know, I actually started this thinking Edgar Reewright is a really strange name……. You are hilarious!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. gabychops January 10, 2023 / 3:34 am

    This story as was the previous one about your editor, and very funny and good. Perhaps, you should proceed without delay!

    Joanna

    Liked by 2 people

      • gabychops January 10, 2023 / 1:42 pm

        Good luck! But you could also write a book about nature as I remember your wonderful posts about your holidays.

        Joanna

        Liked by 1 person

  3. swabby429 January 10, 2023 / 6:34 am

    Prunes just might be the perfect payment method due to their newly inflated prices. Everything just might come out fine in the end.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Debra January 10, 2023 / 9:05 am

    I nominate you to win If You Look Just a Little, There’s a Great Chance You’ll Find Something of Worth And Interest Here prize in 2023.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. shoreacres January 10, 2023 / 9:31 am

    The funniest thing of all is that even the Alien found Roy Oy not worth trucking off to the great Whatever in the Sky. That said, Roy clearly had internalized the wisdom of one of the world’s greatest creative gurus. Edgar Reewright needs to come correct!

    Liked by 1 person

      • shoreacres January 10, 2023 / 3:21 pm

        Who knows? If the aliens are using steel spaceships, being non-magnetic may be Roy’s salvation!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Helen Devries January 10, 2023 / 9:45 am

    Point out to him that Prince Harry got 20 million for his moanathon so he’ll be getting enough prunes to keep him regular for the rest of his life…

    Liked by 3 people

  7. mariezhuikov January 10, 2023 / 10:48 am

    Loved the reference to the ” If You Look Deeply, There’s A Slight Chance You’ll Find Something Of Worth And Interest Here ” competition. I’d like to win that one, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Alyson January 10, 2023 / 12:37 pm

    Mr Oy – love it. Also love the premise to your book, we need more Pollyanna type stories in 2023. Glad Edgar came round.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Rosaliene Bacchus January 10, 2023 / 2:04 pm

    Neil, you had me cracking up with that last remark to Edgar 😀 😀 😀 But don’t count Edgar out. He’s onto something when he says: “Where’s the tension? Where’s the drama? Hell, nobody wants to read some half-baked, half-assed Pollyannaish tale.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. D. Wallace Peach January 10, 2023 / 2:22 pm

    Loved this, Noel or Niles, or Neil? Yeah, Neil. You’re a hoot. Your book idea sounds good to me. We could all use a happy ending and peace on Earth. Thanks for the fun and the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dave January 10, 2023 / 3:19 pm

    We need to be witness to more of your conversations with Reewright, Neil. This stuff is hilarious (er, assuming it’s not true. If it is, my sincere apologies). Once you pen (type) enough of these dialogues, you’ll have your book right there. “Reewrought Conversations” or something to that effect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 10, 2023 / 4:39 pm

      Hi Dave, and thanks. Edgar emerged from the ethers in my mind four or five years ago. Maybe more. I’m glad it happened.

      Like

  12. Paddy Tobin January 10, 2023 / 3:47 pm

    Edgar is full of …. – as he said himself!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Robert Parker January 10, 2023 / 7:51 pm

    Oy, I think maybe your prune juice has been fermenting, but I’m a sucker for a happy ending, so put me down for a 1/2 dozen copies please. Does this make your wife Queen of the Niles? Thanks for the laughs, Noel!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. johnlmalone January 10, 2023 / 11:06 pm

    delightful, Neil, all the way through; love the self deprecating humor — we can’t get enough of that — and that devilishly clever last line; write that book, Neil 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. eden baylee January 11, 2023 / 10:18 am

    Neil, humour is definitely your genre. Ever heard of nycmidnight.com? I think you should give it a go. Many categories. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Misti January 11, 2023 / 10:27 am

    LOL a great chuckle for this Wednesday morning!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. annieasksyou January 11, 2023 / 11:30 am

    You need a good agent. I suggest Felicity Blunt, who just sold rights to “Lessons in Chemistry,” written by a first-time novelist, in 35 countries–and to Apple TV. (She’s also Stanley Tucci’s wife and Emily Blunt’s sister.) Surely she can sell your idea in a measly one country. She’ll probably tell you to ditch your Denny Downer editor, however. Think big, Neil! And we’ll all wax nostalgic that “we knew him when…”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. andrewcferguson January 11, 2023 / 12:56 pm

    Great concept, Neil. For the Disney remake, you could introduce plot tension by making the eventual granting of the wish delayed by unexpected events, e.g.: first time the alien visits, he can’t get the window open; second time, he tries to abduct our hero but can’t fit him in the space ship, etc., etc….

    Liked by 1 person

  19. talebender January 11, 2023 / 1:58 pm

    Oy! Oy! Oy! is what I might have said if I were the editor, ’cause being paid in prunes is not exactly a plum assignment!
    But I’ll look forward to reading it if it ever…..you know…..takes off.
    I enjoyed this preview!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Al January 12, 2023 / 8:47 am

    Do you think Edgar could fit in another client? I’ve got a great idea for a book about a writer that sends his hated editor a year’s worth of binding cheese every Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. tylerus January 12, 2023 / 6:00 pm

    Too funny! Loved it! Keep blogging . . . and writing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Joni January 12, 2023 / 9:10 pm

    Thanks for the laugh…..but you know I like the idea too….and your description of the alien creature is very vivid.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 12, 2023 / 10:05 pm

      Hi Joni. I agree — the premise is kind of whimsical and likable. But it’s more suited for a story than a book, I think. Anyway, thanks for adding your thoughts. I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. stacey January 12, 2023 / 10:15 pm

    What a wonderful idea. Maybe the universe will hear you (and others) and make it come true…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Fran Johns January 13, 2023 / 9:42 pm

    You should know I ran into Edgar at a Meet Your New Agent party last night. He made a brief pitch about the Santos Group donation he just received on the basis of promised income for your new book which Edgar is proud to be editing, but he said he was still accepting new clients. There was a very long line at his table.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger January 14, 2023 / 6:57 am

      I didn’t know about any of this. Edgar’s services are in far greater demand than I ever imagined. Oh well, he has to make a living.

      Like

  25. Suzanne January 14, 2023 / 9:34 pm

    Shoot for the moon and buy a load of prunes. I thank the heavens for those that were born with a sense of humour.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Shelley@QuaintRevival.com January 16, 2023 / 6:57 am

    I’m chuckling at your post. I love this title too: If You Look Deeply, There’s A Slight Chance You’ll Find Something Of Worth And Interest Here competition for 2022. First place winner, congratulations!! 🙂 Edgar deserves any amount of prunes you’re willing to offer. The book idea, though, run with it, you’ll be famous in no time! 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Pam Lazos January 16, 2023 / 11:25 am

    Clever, as always, Mr. Reewright. I hope your vision of paradise comes to fruition. It’s exhausting living on such a dysfunctional planet!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Linda Pearce Griffin January 18, 2023 / 12:19 pm

    I was all set to read that Roy Oy had asked the genie alien to produce a girlfriend – but the guy totally redeemed himself by asking for peace on earth. Pay that dude in prunes. He’ll skyrocket to the National Best Seller List!
    As for your rude agent – give that guy a block of cheese!
    Thanks for the chuckle. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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