The Poster Boy For Healthy Eating Habits: C’est Moi!

From out of the blue the United States Department of Agriculture’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion called me recently with a flattering offer. “Hello, Neil? This is Dudley Eatright. I’m Chief Down-The-Gullet Officer at the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. You’ve come to our attention through channels that I’m not authorized to divulge, but I assure you that they are nutritious and delicious.”

“Neil, we here at CFNPAP have learned about your mega-healthy lifestyle. Why, when we found out about your long-time devotion to Mr. Spock’s Vulcan vegan diet, and about the triathlons that you compete in weekly at your, shall I say, quite mature age, we were more than impressed. We were floored. You’re pushing 70 yet have the vitality of a supremely fit 25 year old. How do you do it? — I’m very pressed for time, so please don’t answer that.”

Soon it will be me behind that lectern.
Soon it will be me behind that lectern.

“Neil, here’s why I’m calling: You are a model of remarkably sensible, possibly extreme living. And the citizens of our great land should know about you. They should hear from you. That’s why we here at CFNPAP want to make you the poster boy for the benefits derived from consuming lots and lots of fruits and vegetables and grains. Despite our best efforts, Americans continue to chow down heavily on Slim Jims, Tostidos and Philadelphia cheesesteak sandwiches. Neil, we feel that you’re the guy to enlighten them about what foods they should be shoving into their maws. Michelle Obama has tried, but her success rate hasn’t been so terrific, now has it? And since she’ll be exiting the national spotlight in a matter of months we want a new face to promote healthy eating habits. Neil, please say you’ll help us out. The USA needs you, pal!”

fd10d260abdbbad0fb130a3f838151eaWow! I was stunned. For years I had made every effort to keep my dietary regimen and athletic pursuits little-known. Only my family and friends, I thought, were aware of my Vulcan veganism. And as for the triathlons that I am addicted to, I always enter under a pseudonym and always wear a Lone Ranger-type mask to further obscure my identity. Whenever a race official has questioned my donning of a face mask, my retort has been short and precise: “Yo, kemosabe! Back the fu*k off!” That never fails to work.

And yet CFNPAP found me out and tracked me down. And to tell you the truth I didn’t mind. It will be great to guide my fellow citizens along pathways leading to outstanding health. And to boost national consumption of plant life.

“I’m aboard!” I said a tad too loudly to Dudley Eatright. “I’m your man.”

“I knew I could count on you, Neil. Thank you so very much.”

Domestic blueberry pickings were slim.
Domestic blueberry pickings were slim.
Only the frontmost boxes held peaches.
Only the frontmost boxes held peaches.

“There’s only one thing, Dudley,” I said. “And maybe you can work this out for me. You see, fresh blueberries and peaches are my fave fruits. I eat ungodly amounts of them. But in the USA their harvests are over for the year and the supplies are dwindling fast. Why, the other day at my local supermarket’s produce department I couldn’t believe how near to barren the domestic blueberry and peach shelves were. It brought tears to my eyes. I even took some photos so I’d have something to remember my friends by. And yeah, I know that blueberry crops from South America will arrive in our stores any day now, with peaches soon to follow. But their prices always are outrageous. Dudley, the federal government stockpiles oil and gold and nuclear warheads. Am I wrong in assuming that it also stashes away sizeable amounts of USA-grown blueberries and peaches? Level with me, Dudley. I want the truth!”

There was a long pause. Then Dudley spoke. “Yes, Neil. Your analysis is accurate. I can’t begin to describe the quantities of blueberries and peaches that are being kept fresh and delectable in temperature-controlled, hermetically-sealed secret underground chambers. President Obama and his cabinet members, Senators, Congresswomen, Congressmen, top military brass . . . they all demand fresh peaches and blueberries year-round for their bowls of corn flakes and shredded wheat. And, patriots that they are, they’ll eat only those grown on American shores. Needless to say, the Department of Agriculture is proud to give them what they want. Neil, what’s your angle?”

“You can guess, Dudley. Starting tomorrow I expect daily deliveries to my door of blueberries and peaches from the government’s cache. Then, all will be well.”

“This can be arranged, Neil, no problem. Is there anything else?”

“That’s it, Dudley. I’m easy to please. And might I add that it has been a pleasure speaking with you. I am flattered and honored to be tapped to serve my country. Let the fruits and vegetables and grains campaign begin!”

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28 thoughts on “The Poster Boy For Healthy Eating Habits: C’est Moi!

  1. BuntyMcC September 30, 2016 / 9:31 am

    That’s quite a story you wound around the produce aisle. WE can ship you Canadian wild blueberries….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Janet Sunderland September 30, 2016 / 10:16 am

    Made me happy this morning. I’m noticing a drop in blueberries too. Can you forward a crate or two to me too?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ken Dowell September 30, 2016 / 11:52 am

    Having spent last night watching the movie Snowden, the idea of any government agency tracking anyone down for any reason is a little eerie.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elizabeth M. Soltan September 30, 2016 / 11:59 am

    Enjoyed your funny foray into (nutrition) science fiction…am now searching for photographic evidence of you eating burgers…know it must exist somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cindy September 30, 2016 / 11:23 pm

    Congratulations on this honor! (Cheetos are a vegetable, right??)

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeahanotherblogger October 1, 2016 / 7:24 am

      I’ll have to check Mr. Spock’s Vulcan vegan writings to get the answer to your question.

      Like

  6. Gilly October 10, 2016 / 3:52 am

    That’s wonderful – someone needs to provide a counterbalance for all the nonsense spouted about humans needing to eat other living creatures to get enough protein and be healthy. As a lifelong vegetarian (can’t call myself vegan because I wear leather shoes and boots and eat butter), I am very healthy at 60 and am on no medication. Hardly ever see a doctor – in fact if I see one coming, I run in the opposite direction.

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeahanotherblogger October 10, 2016 / 9:04 am

      Hi. Glad you liked this story. It’s a goofy riff on a number of things, including myself. In reality, I’m not a vegan or vegetarian, though I do believe that people should live healthy lifestyles.
      Thanks very much for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Gilly October 10, 2016 / 12:33 pm

        Oh well that is me all over! If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you will find my name😀.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Aunt Beulah October 11, 2016 / 3:41 pm

    Oh sure, Neil. I suppose you’re not eating produce, particularly fresh blueberries and peaches, your filling up your empty spaces with foods high in fiber like brown rice, farro and quinoa. And surely sugar never crosses your lips.

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeahanotherblogger October 11, 2016 / 8:23 pm

      I forgot to mention in this story that I’ll soon be the national spokesperson for the farro and quinoa growers. And possibly the kale growers too.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. patwa October 18, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    When the blackberries are ripe I pick them all and freeze. With ripe grapes I make grape juice or syrup (mix with hot water for winter drinking). What’s wrong with freezing fresh blueberries for winter meals? Avoid mushy frozen fruit by freezing individual tomatoes, berries or fruit spread out on a cookie sheet or flat pan, then fill bags after fruit is frozen.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. viewfromoverthehill October 19, 2016 / 11:27 am

    You’re hilarious. Perhaps you’re even crazier than I am. Love your writing — we all need this kind of humour. Muriel Kauffmann

    Liked by 1 person

  10. aprilswopegreene October 31, 2016 / 11:44 am

    This story was so enjoyable that I’ll forgive you for not being vegetarian—for now! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeahanotherblogger October 31, 2016 / 2:11 pm

      Well, I don’t eat any beef/poultry/fish on about half the days each year. So, I’m halfway to becoming a vegetarian. Maybe some day I’ll go the full distance! (not likely).

      Like

  11. mariaporter1980 February 19, 2017 / 3:52 am

    Vulcan vegan diet 🙂 Enjoyed this piece. I love fresh blueberries and peaches too. Funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeahanotherblogger February 19, 2017 / 7:26 am

      Hi, Maria. Thanks for stopping by.
      I’ll have some blueberries as part of my breakfast this morning. What a great fruit.
      I’ll be seeing you —–

      Liked by 1 person

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