It’s amazing! They said it couldn’t be done! I’m going to throw a party to which you all will be invited. I’m going to hire a sky-writing plane to fly over Manhattan and cover the heavens with this announcement: Neil Scheinin, a grand slacker, somehow has written 200 stories for his blog. A miracle has occurred!
And after all of that I might just hang up my writing boots forever. Why? Because writing mentally exhausts me. I mean, after I finish a piece I’m so limp you’d have no trouble folding me up and squeezing me into a goldfish bowl. I’ve gone through this 200 times now. Maybe that’s enough.
And if it is enough, that wouldn’t be so bad. With writing no longer on the menu, I’d devote the extra time on my hands to my living room sofa, where I’m already spending an average of 10 hours a day. The sofa is where I do my best kind of work anyway, you know. By which I mean that I am a master at twirling the handful of hairs remaining on the crown of my head while stuffing my maw with boxfuls of Cheez-It crackers. I love my sofa. My gratitude for having the comfiest place in the world to rest my ancient ass is eternal.
To write or not to write, that is the question. Making the decision isn’t easy. Which is why I’ve recently sought guidance from three individuals. The first conversation took place a week ago. It was with my esteemed editor, Edgar Reewright.
“Neil, the exorbitant fees that you pay me for my services are crucial to my financial stability,” Edgar screamed over the phone after I laid out my thoughts. “Do you hear me? Crucial, I say. My stable of writers has been shrinking like a Greenland glacier. Without you on board I don’t know what I’d do! Oh, why was I born? Why was I born? I should have listened to my parents and majored in philosophy in college. If I had, then I’d know the answer to ‘why was I born?’ Shit, maybe it’s not too late. Where are those volumes of the collected works of Plato and Aristotle that I occasionally glanced at years ago? Ah, I remember. They’re under my dog’s mattress, firming it up. Spot! Spot! Get off your bed! Daddy needs to get something.”
“Later, Edgar,” I said. “I’ll be in touch.”
Edgar’s situation is no joke. Though not many people depend on me, he definitely does. Conversely, my psychiatrist, Dr. R. U. Forereel, is someone upon whom many people depend. Including me. The day after I spoke with Edgar I attended my bi-weekly session with Dr. Forereel.
“Doctor,” I said to her after seating myself in her patients’ chair, “I know that we normally discuss issues that have their roots in my misspent childhood, such as why in my 71 years of existence I’ve never once bonded with a cat. If I weren’t so sphinxlike, maybe by now we’d have uncovered an answer or two to that one. My bad! But today I need your opinions about my creative outlet. I’ve been writing steadily for almost four years, as you know. My next story will be my 200th, a true milestone. But I’m weary, doctor. Writing has taken its toll on me. I’m thinking of ending my career.”
“Career?” Dr. Forereel immediately exclaimed. “What career? Neil, the essays and other pieces that you produce are trifles, no? And you receive how much in payment for them? Wait, let me guess. The answer begins with a z and ends with an o and has an e and an r in the middle. Am I right? Neil, what you do with words amounts to nothing more than a hobby, a way to pass the time. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but it’s important to look at things realistically. I have no couch in my office for my patients, only a chair. But you, Neil, have a wonderful couch at home, as you’ve told me many times over the years. Take further advantage of that sofa. It’s one of your very best friends. Writing means little in comparison to the peace of mind that your sofa brings.”
At the end of the session I thanked the good doctor and then went to my car. Her advice echoed through my mind continuously during the drive back home.
Later that day I poured out my heart to my wife Sandy. Edgar Reewright had implored me to continue writing. Dr. Forereel had said, basically, “why bother?” What were Sandy’s feelings?
“Listen,” she began, “it’s entirely up to you. But I’ll say this: At least you’re not getting Cheez-It crumbs all over the couch when you’re at your writing desk. So that’s a good reason, in my opinion, for you to keep turning out your stories. However, there are how many projects around the house that you’ve never gotten to? Twenty? Thirty? Seems to me that starting a blog might be what you came up with to avoid doing what needs to be done around here.”
Valued readers, I’m in a quandary. I’m going to have to look deep within myself over the next several days. There’s plenty for me to ponder. Maybe I’ll be back on these pages. Maybe I won’t. Time, as always, will tell.
(Yo! Despite the uncertainties presented above, please don’t be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this story. Mucho gracias.)
Yeah, Another Blogger 
I’ll miss your stories if you don’t continue.
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Hi Candice. I was kidding around. I’ll be back.
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😊
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Very entertaining piece, and I hope that you’re kidding about quitting!
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Yup, I was kidding. Writing kind of exhausts me, but I’ll be back!
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Good!
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I’ll also be missing your stories! I hope you continue to entertain us with your wonderful musings. 🙂
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Thanks, Lynette. I shall return.
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Good to hear. 🙂
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Okay now, that’s enough, Neil. Listen up—I’m about to speak my mind. Don’t you dare, I mean don’t you D.A.R.E. give up writing! You are a talented writer, and your blog is enjoyed by, let me guess, hundreds, if not thousands of readers. But your interest in blogging may be flagging, especially since you’ve reached the dizzy heights of 200 posts! So my suggestion is—and this may blow your mind—write a book instead. At any rate, you have a choice: keep on writing the blog, or start a book, but DON”T give up writing! Whew, I’m beat. Giving advice is hard!
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Thanks, Diane. This story was kind of tongue-in-cheek. I don’t have what it takes to write a book, but I’ll continue to write stories for the blog. See you!
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It is entirely clear to me that this blog is saving you from potentially life-threatening projects around the house as well as keeping the crumbs out of the couch. What more inspiration can a fellow need? 😜 Very funny post.
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Bon soir. Thanks for the visit. I’m often pretty low in inspiration, but I’ll write stories when inspiration hits. See you!
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Like the gambler who swears they’ll never enter a casino again then finds their love of roulette and poker has them coming back thru the door like an obedient slave the very next week, I’m pretty sure you and well-written blog posts will be duet partners for a number of years yet.
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Thanks, Glen. I believe you’re right.
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Whatever your final decision, it’s been a pleasure, Neil! Your wonderfully lively and innovative posts have given so much joy to your readers. That’s a marvelous achievement! Thanks much and all best,
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Hi Cindy. I really appreciate what you say. But stay tuned to this website, because more stories will be appearing.
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Congrats, I enjoy your off-kilter stories, and you should keep writing
There, that’s settled
And lay off the Cheezits before you turn as orange as The Big Cheeseball in Washington
Sorry to sound bossy but no slacking or artificial cheese is allowed, and Happy 200th! Time to shoot for 1k, then you can put one of those marathon stickers on your car.
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Man, the 1,000 mark is definitely out of reach, but maybe I’ll start keeping my eye on 300. See ya!
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Congratulations Neil, your 200th ! You can’t stop now, especially with an international readership.
Alan from Paris
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Hey there, Alan. Merci beaucoup for stopping by. Yeah, I’m going to continue to write.
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I like your humour in this post. It’s a kind unkind humour. I don’t know if you know what I mean. It’s the smallest hint of dark with a lot of light. I like that. I hope you keep writing, clearly have a knack for it
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Hi, and many thanks. Yes, I’m going to keep writing.
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That’s fab. Good on ya 👍
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No way out now; you’re stuck for life, Neil. You’d miss the excitement and we’d miss your musings. The house chores can wait (and wait, and wait…). ;0)
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Don’t remind me of house chores! I’m allergic to them!
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😂😂😂
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Keep writing or an endless hell of home improvement projects will sap your mortal soul!
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Neil, heed George’s advice!
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George, you’ve got a way with words!
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Keep writing you lazy Cheeze-Its addict!
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Hi Dave. I’m not an addict . . . I’m a connoisseur.
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With characters like Reewright and Forereel I’d say your imagination is alive and well 🙂
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I wouldn’t be surprised if both of them make appearances again on these pages. Thanks for stopping by, Joanne. Appreciated.
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Congrats on your 200th story! Every post takes effort and that’s an awesome achievement. I reckon your blog’s pretty neat Neil. Best with deciding! I hope we see more of your writing — even if it’s shorter stories or snaps in future. 🙂
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Hi. For now anyway, I’ll continue to turn out the same kinds of pieces that I’ve been doing. Don’t have a clue what the next story will be about. As usual, I’m waiting for inspiration to strike.
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Congrats! I concur with the above comments. Hope you keep writing!
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I will continue. Gracias, Laurie.
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Yay!!!!
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Neil, I produced over 300 boiler-plate essays before taking up the question of whether to continue with my dog, Scooter.
Scooter was not the least bit interested at the time and shown no interest since. I thought of asking others, but when you can’t leap over the low bar of a dog, there is no use trying to jump any higher. So I continue to write. Not because I have hopes or dreams for my writing, rather if I spend my time doing that, I spend less time on household projects and honey-do’s.
At least you have a couch and Cheez-its to fall back on. I envy that.
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Hi. Try the extra toasty variety of Cheez-Its. I’ve really gotten into them since they were introduced a few years ago.
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Neil, if you’re like me, you have no choice. Yes, writing is exhausting, but if I go a few days without writing, I suffer withdrawal. To write or not to write–either way, you suffer. At least if you write you have something to show for your suffering.
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“To write or not to write–either way, you suffer. At least if you write you have something to show for your suffering.”
Marie, those are brilliant lines!
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Hi Neil, How about another 200 essays then rethink handing up your pencil. all the best. Jerry
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You know me, Jerry . . . I’ve got nothing better to do, so I’ll keep at the writing game.
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To write or not, the answer is clear, Neil. It’s in this very post: “folding me up and squeezing me into a goldfish bowl.”, “shrinking like a Greenland glacier”. You are a man who can’t even spell “ordinary”. Buck up. You know this answer.
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Hi, Jacqui. Yeah, I’m going to keep on writing. See you!
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We will miss you if you go away Maybe just cut back to a few times a year or to when the spirit moves you?
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Oh, I’ll keep turning out the product, as long as bolts of inspiration hit me now and then.
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My advice: Keep writing. If the sofa needs counseling, send it to Dr. Forereel, who needs one anyway.
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After the way that Dr. Forereel spoke to me, I think that maybe she needs counseling!
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I really hope you keep writing. If not, who else will document Philadelphia truck art? Also, you’re the only person on WordPress that appreciates my kind of music (Incredible String Band, the Roches, etc.). Just pop some amphetamine with those Cheez-Its.
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Hey, you should write to the Cheez-It company and suggest that they start lacing the crackers with speed. It’s an idea whose time maybe has arrived!
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BTW, I read the Oliver Sacks “New Yorker” article “The Machine Stops.” He expresses everything I want to express, but much more eloquently. Now, I plan to read the E.M. Forster book, as well as Dr. Sacks himself. Thank you… I guess. This dystopian society of ours has me a little depressed. I think our humanity is seriously slipping.
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I’ve never been optimistic about the prospects of the human race. Too many people, too much hatred, too much inequality, too much warfare, etc.
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Mazel tov on your 200th blog! Keep on writing. Sandy needs you out of her hair at least sometime during the week. If you need a kick in the pants, I volunteer to be the first in line to administer it.
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I knew that I could count on you!
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I’m inspired that you’ve had 200 posts! This year I have doubled my output from 2018 and 2017, which means I have two posts this year so far. I’ve blogged as long as you have and, as you can see, have not been nearly as prolific. I’m going to keep plugging away at it. I think my writer’s block has lifted a bit. Stay inspiring!
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Hi. I’m looking forward to your upcoming stories. Take care.
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Congrats on your 200th post! Remember the song, “That old rockin’ chair’s going to get me…”? You’ve updated it to that “comfy couch,” but the danger is still there.
Tell Sandy not to be mad at me…
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Liz, I saw Jim and Mary today in the building where I volunteer. Glad to see that she’s pretty mobile. Bye till next time!
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’twas funny, punny, et. whuddevur awl. i’m almost @ 200, but the (a)muse has the “a” firmly attached, so the muse ain’t loose. you and the couch and the cheetoez — we must share some sort of sordid psychic bond …
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Hi. Psychic bonds often have a lot going for them. See ya!
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when moved to share
please do, blogger!
many come & go
after experiencing
wordpress connections 🙂
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I’ll be back!
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FYI . .Do you know that you can make a pie out of ritz crackers that taste just like apple pie?
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Hi Joyce. Your comment reminds me that something I haven’t eaten in a million years is Apple Brown Betty. I used to love that. I wonder if anyone makes it anymore.
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Golly. I try not to count all the time I spend writing. I guess I could be golfing. But I like being with my stories – they’re good company.
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Yeah, I do too, except when they’re not being cooperative.
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Neil, you must keep going! Your readership demands it! And trust me, there are poetry magazines with a smaller circulation than the number of people that have bothered to press the like button on this single post. I know, I’ve been in them…
Hasta luego, good buddy
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Andrew, I shall soldier on!
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Writing? or Cheez-its on the couch? or House Projects?
Seems like you could probably squeeze them all in. You know, write about your house projects…
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Hey there. Thanks for adding your thoughts. You never know . . . one of these days maybe a house project will find its way into one of my pieces. Have a great week!
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No-ooooooooo, say it ain’t so, my friend. Don’t leave me/us! , I’ll buy you (bribe you with) a crate of Cheez-It crackers if you’ll continue. Aim for 400! 🙂
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Thanks, Tyler. The stories will continue! I have no idea what the next one will be about. I’m interested to find out.
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Congratulations on your 200 stories Neil. Yes writing blog posts can be a lot of work. I agree. Sometimes I wonder why I continue but then I remember, oh yeah, I like it even though it can be exhausting. Maybe have a break and see if you miss it. I know that many people will miss your stories. Good luck. Lyn
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Thanks a lot, Lyn. I’m going to keep plugging away.
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Congratulations on the milestone. And for the early EARLY April Fools joke. Like…um….right?! Seriously, I admire and enjoy your writing and hope that you’re not putting the cap on your pen any time soon. Besides, I’ll selfishly admit that reading your words keeps hope alive for me… in my paltry efforts to write something vaguely coherent or interesting every now and again…
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Evening, Cristina. Yeah, I hadn’t thought of this story as an early April Fools joke, but that’s sort of what it is. But even though writing poops me out, I’ll keep at it. Like, I’ve got something better to do?
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Keep writing, Neil. You’re good at it and we would miss you if you were gone. And time spent writing, like time spent reading, is never wasted. Not everything can be valued in terms of money!
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Thanks, Ann. Stay tuned. I’m not leaving.
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Good! And congrats on the 200th story!
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Congrats on your accomplishment! I have no idea how many posts I’ve done; I might have to go and check … in any case, I totally get the effort it takes and I’m afraid I’ve been more than a little lazy lately. (I do have an excuse since I write all day on other projects!)
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Hey there, Lexie. I’m glad to hear from you. Yeah, writing is pretty hard work, but so are a million other things. The main thing is that it’s fulfilling (usually). I’ll be seeing you!
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Ditto. ‘nuf said.
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Hey, Janet. Good to hear from you. I’ll ditto your ditto!
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You CANNOT be serious!
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Oh, I was half-kidding around. I shall be back!
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Phew!
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I really enjoyed this! And, I see by your comment above that this is NOT your last story, so whew! Yay! Here’s to 200 more! Oh, and the sofa can be used for writing as well. It’s convenient for rewarding yourself with Cheez-Its or a nap when you finish a paragraph, a sentence, a word–whatever. Cheers!
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One Cheez-It per word . . . I like that idea.
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Fantastic achievement! Keep it up.
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Many thanks. Take care. Be seeing you!
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Congratulations Neil – Quite a feat to have pressed the publish button 200 times, especially as you write quite lengthy essays which must take quite a bit of time and effort.
We all know you’re not going anywhere soon though! It’s a really special place this, where virtual friendships can be struck up with all manner of like-minded people. Yes those jobs need done around the house, but we need more Neil-isms too. Here’s to the next 200.
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Thanks, and hi. You’re right about meeting like-minded people from all over the world, via WordPress. That’s a really good and fun thing.
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Well I for one will completely give up the internet should you stop writing. I mean, what would be the point? Have you really never bonded with a cat?
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My wife’s a cat lover. Me, not really. She used to have cats as pets. But that was before she met me!
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😂 and that was the end of that.
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Congratulations on your 200..but it’s work!
However, between doing something tiring but enjoyable and buckling down to household projects there is no choice and by continuing to write you are economising both on Cheez- its and elecricity for the hoover which will not be needed to suck up the crumbs.
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Helen, I like the way you think!
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Congratulations on 200 posts! Also on retiring from blogging! Or not, depending… good luck! J ☺️
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Hey, I’ll be back. I was just sort of goofing around, although there were plenty of my true feelings mixed in with my fantasizing. Thanks for stopping by this little dot in cyberspace. See ya!
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Dump the Cheez-Its and keep the blog. Bravo on 200!
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I’m going to keep the blog and the Cheez-Its. See you, Joe. Enjoy the day!
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Holy smoke. 200 posts? Is that all? I used to look up to you but when you come close to my 336 posts then you’ll have a reason to feel tired of blogging. Get out that notebook and get started on post 201!
As for your household jobs, like I say to the missus,they will get done, you don’t have to keep reminding me every six months!
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336 posts! You’re setting a pace that few can keep up with. Have a great week, Steve. Bye till next time.
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Congrats on 200 stories, Neil. And you better be back or we’ll all be sad!! 😉
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Yup, I’ll be back. I was joking around a lot in this story. But I don’t know when #201 will appear — Coming up with story ideas is often a big challenge for me. Take care, and enjoy the week!
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Hey Neil: You’ve asked a lot of people, but I’m the one who can really give you advice. If you want to keep your wife, stick with the writing. If you DO make the time to take care of all those neglected jobs needing doing around the house, she’ll discover how inept you are and leave you. But the main thing is if you concentrate on sitting on the sofa eating those cheese thingies, there won’t be any left for me! As always, a fun read. Cheers, Muriel
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“If you DO make the time to take care of all those neglected jobs needing doing around the house, she’ll discover how inept you are and leave you.”
Muriel, you’re a genius! You’re the only person who ever figured out why I shy away from projects around the house.
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This one was a knee-slapper! From lack of cat relationships discovered in twice-weekly psych visits (That’s a LOT!) to various folk giving you conflicting advice….lol !! Best way to wake up while drinking my morning java. Perhaps you’ve raised the bar on yourself……..?
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Hi Stacey, and thanks. I’m glad you got some laughs from this story. I’ll be seeing you!
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