Yo! And Ho, Ho, Ho Too: A Guest Post By Santa Claus

Yeah, Another Blogger

Yo! And ho, ho, ho too. This is your boy, Santa Claus, checking in from the suburbs of Philadelphia, USA. Yeah, I know that it will be Christmas Eve in two days. And yeah, I know that I should be at the North Pole, preparing to deliver gifts to a billion kiddies all over the world. But, screw it! I’ll go back home soon enough. And I fully intend to fulfill my obligations on the eve of all eves. For now, though, I’m playing hooky. I need a break from Mrs. Claus, who’s been getting on my nerves big-time recently. “Lose some weight, lose some weight,” she says to me 50 times a day. “Okay, girl, I will,” I keep telling her, “but it wouldn’t hurt if you drop a few yourself.”

There’s only so much aggravation a guy can take. That’s why I jumped into my sleigh a little while ago and guided the reindeer, at lightning speed, to the house of my pals Neil and Sandy in the Philly suburbs. What is it with those reindeer, by the way? When they’re not airborne they spend most of their time crapping, pissing and spitting. What a mess! And I’m the one who’s got to clean up after them. God forbid that Mrs. Claus pitches in once in a while. Well, it’ll be Neil and Sandy who’ll inherit that job this time. Tough luck, guys! That’s what can happen when Santa pays a visit.

Minutes ago, as quietly as falling snow, we landed on my friends’ backyard grass. It’s 4:45 PM and getting dark outside, so I doubt if Neil and Sandy realize that I’m here. I’ll knock on their door soon, but first I’m going to take a stroll through their neighborhood, which I did once before, on Christmas Eve in 2016 (if you click here, you’ll read all about it). I was down in the dumps then, and seeing the beautiful Christmas lights and other decorations on the houses and front lawns cheered me up tremendously. So much so that the next day, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, or something or other like that, I delivered the goods all over the world with unprecedented vigor. Mrs. Claus would be ecstatic if I ever demonstrated vigor like that in the sack. But what the hell . . . I’m Santa Claus, not Leonardo DiCaprio.

I must say that the temperature isn’t too bad here. It’s cold but a whole lot warmer than that frigging icebox of a region that I call home. You know, come to think of it, I bet that freezing my ass off like I do at the North Pole might be at the root of my chronically lackluster sexual performance. I’ve got to give some serious thought to relocating to warmer climes. Jamaica would be nice as a new home base. So would Tahiti. If we slimmed down, Mrs. Claus and I would look sharp in either of those places, strolling the sands in bright red Speedo bathing suits.

But you know what? I think that the Philadelphia burbs might be an even better choice. For one thing, Neil and Sandy are there. They’ve proven to be good friends, even though my contacts with them have been few. And I need friends. I hardly have any at the North Pole. How could I? Almost nobody is nuts enough to live there. Except for me and the missus and those weirdo elves.

Okay, it’s time to take in the sights. They improved my emotional state in 2016, and they better do the same tonight. Wow, look at that house! And that one, and that one, and that one! The people on these blocks sure know how to decorate. Bravo, folks, bravo! I tip my floppy cap to your excellent choices of colors and inflatable figures. Especially the inflatable Santas. This neighborhood is alive with good cheer and good taste. I love it! My stress level is heading south. I’m glad I decided to make this trip.

Uh-oh. My watch says that 6:00 PM has arrived. It’s almost time for me to head back home. But I have to drop in for a few minutes at the Scheinin household before that. The exterior of Neil and Sandy’s house isn’t decorated, of course. Christmas isn’t their holiday. They’re Jewish. And tonight is the first night of Chanukah. Maybe they haven’t lit the menorah candles yet. I hope so. I love lighting those little cuties and saying the Chanukah blessings. There aren’t many gentiles who can pronounce  Hebrew  as fluently as me. You better believe that it isn’t easy getting those kh sounds to resonate from the back of your throat.

I’m ringing their doorbell. I hear footsteps. The door is opening.

“Holy shit, it’s Santa!” Neil exclaims eloquently, concisely and accurately. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? C’mon in. We’re about to light the menorah candles. We’ll let you do that. And you can recite the blessings too. Sandy, we’ve got a guest!”

“Don’t mind if I do,” I say, moving gingerly so as not to get stuck within the door frame. I’m a fat f*ck. Mrs. Claus is right about that. “Neil, it’s more than a pleasure to see you again. And I’ve got big news. I love your neighborhood. There’s a very, very strong chance that you and I soon will be neighbors!”

(Santa Claus suggests that you not be shy about adding your comments or about sharing this story. He thanks you.)

(All photographs were taken by Santa. If you click on any photo, a larger image will open in a separate window.)

125 thoughts on “Yo! And Ho, Ho, Ho Too: A Guest Post By Santa Claus”

  1. barrydjd's avatar barrydjd December 22, 2019 / 6:10 pm

    Dear Santa: A reverse aging kit for my Xmas birthday would be appreciated. 🙄

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  3. Paddy Tobin's avatar Paddy Tobin December 22, 2019 / 6:27 pm

    Best wishes to you and Sandy for Christmas, Neil.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 22, 2019 / 9:44 pm

      Hi Paddy. I appreciate the thought. But Christmas isn’t my holiday. I’m Jewish.

      Like

      Reply
      • Paddy Tobin's avatar Paddy Tobin December 22, 2019 / 11:51 pm

        Well, then, Season’s greetings or some such more suitable salutation. Whichever, I wish you and yours well.

        Like

        Reply
      • Paddy Tobin's avatar Paddy Tobin December 23, 2019 / 5:16 am

        On second thought, I should have given you the more usual answer: You: “I’m Jewish”. Me: “Well, at least you have your health!” Best wishes!

        Like

        Reply
  5. adguru101's avatar adguru101 December 22, 2019 / 6:34 pm

    Chag Sameach! And besides, everyone should celebrate Hanukkah… Jesus did.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Michele Anderson's avatar Michele Anderson December 22, 2019 / 6:36 pm

    Merry Christmas Neil! I look forward to all your fun posts in 2020 🙂

    Like

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 22, 2019 / 9:48 pm

      Thanks, Michele. I don’t celebrate Christmas, though. I’m Jewish.

      Take care. A very Happy New Year to you and yours.

      Like

      Reply
  9. JT Twissel's avatar JT Twissel December 22, 2019 / 6:46 pm

    Oh dear … does this mean Santa will expect tips from you on how to satisfy Mrs. Santa in the sack? Could be awkward! Happy Holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. Deb's avatar Deb December 22, 2019 / 6:47 pm

    Clearly Santa is one hip dude and knows exactly where the fun is. Great post Neil- still has me laughing and trying to get the images of Santa and the Mrs in the bedroom out of my head!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  12. Paula B's avatar Paula B December 22, 2019 / 7:02 pm

    A delightful post! Happy Chanukah, and may the new year find you bringing more of your writing talents to the masses!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. Lynette d'Arty-Cross's avatar Lynette d'Arty-Cross December 22, 2019 / 7:26 pm

    Hi Neil, Happy Hanukkah and may you experience good things in the new year (including providing sanctuary for St Nick). 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. Jacqui Murray's avatar Jacqui Murray December 22, 2019 / 8:11 pm

    Would you give him my address, Neil. He hasn’t been here in a decade or more.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  15. sloppy buddhist's avatar sloppy buddhist December 22, 2019 / 9:10 pm

    Happy Hanukkah, Neil and Sandy! Thanks for the delightful post ☺️🤓😀 smiles Hedy

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  17. dfolstad58's avatar dfolstad58 December 22, 2019 / 10:17 pm

    Well done! I enjoyed it immensely! Next year he could visit Neil and Sandy in Australia, pulled by six white boomers.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  18. Annika Perry's avatar Annika Perry December 23, 2019 / 4:27 am

    Neil, a great post and I think even Santa is allowed to pull a sickie! He might do well to listen to his Mrs about his weight issues though! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  19. cath's avatar cath December 23, 2019 / 4:36 am

    Loved this, great post – though I can’t shift the image of Santa & Mrs Claus in bright red speedos ambling along a white-sand beach beneath a blazing sun. It’s almost eclipsed your photos – most impressive. Hope you have a lovely vicarious festive season 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  20. Steve Higgins's avatar Steve Higgins December 23, 2019 / 5:54 am

    Great post Neil. The thing is, I saw Santa down at my local shopping centre here in the north west of the good old UK. I reckon your Santa must be a fake!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  22. janesturgeon's avatar Jane Sturgeon December 23, 2019 / 7:18 am

    Happy Hannukah, Neil and Sandy. Much ❤ for 2020.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  23. joyce hamilton's avatar joyce hamilton December 23, 2019 / 8:07 am

    Funny….great photos…you forgot to take photo of my house…hohoho.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 23, 2019 / 4:40 pm

      Our neighborhood has a lot of houses with beautiful Christmas lights on them. I think that maybe there are more than ever this year.

      Like

      Reply
  24. iglengel's avatar iglengel December 23, 2019 / 8:40 am

    Great post. To have your wit and wisdom.
    Keep up the good work! Enjoy your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  25. Fictionophile's avatar Fictionophile December 23, 2019 / 8:55 am

    Thanks so much for the Christmas levity with your original and entertaining post Neil! Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  26. Debra's avatar Debra December 23, 2019 / 9:25 am

    Roses are reddish.
    Violets are bluish.
    If it wasn’t for Jesus,
    we’d all be Jewish. :-}

    I have a latke “hangover” this morning, but they sure were delicious.
    Thanks for the smile.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  27. tanjabrittonwriter's avatar tanjabrittonwriter December 23, 2019 / 10:48 am

    Happy Hanukkah, Neil, and thank you for saving Christmas for the world once again by ameliorating Santa’s decidedly curmudgeonly mood. 🎅 Poor Mrs. Santa. 🤶
    Warmly,
    Tanja

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  28. alhenry's avatar alhenry December 23, 2019 / 12:07 pm

    Read this one out loud to such members of the family as have assembled at our house for the holidays. We all had quite a larf. Happy Hanukkah, and to hell with worries about the weight. Time for that in January!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  29. Sandy's avatar SandyL December 23, 2019 / 12:56 pm

    Ho Ho Ho! Funny Santa

    … but speaking as one who knows, Jamaica is not ideal for a chubby man in a suit, with a full beard no less. And you look like the type whose complexion doesn’t do well in the sun. Stick to the North Pole. I hear it’s getting warmer there anyways.

    Happy Holidays Neil & Sandy! Wish you all the best for the New Year and we’ll see you again in 2020 – from the other Sandy.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  31. tylerus's avatar tylerus December 23, 2019 / 1:32 pm

    Dear Santa Neil, perhaps you could deliver the following on your upcoming sleigh ride across the globe . . . a world filled with love and peace . . . food and homes for everyone . . . pristine lakes and valleys and mountains . . . abundant compassion and empathy . . . oh, and a little puppy would be nice, too. Chag Urim Sameach!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 23, 2019 / 4:52 pm

      I’m more impressed than ever with the Christmas lights on the houses in my neighborhood. There are many houses that look terrific.
      Thanks for stopping by, Anabel. A very Happy New Year to you and yours.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  33. Alyson's avatar Alyson December 23, 2019 / 3:28 pm

    Another hilarious Santa essay and who wouldn’t get cheered up by those lovely displays of lights.
    Happy Hanukkah/Merry Christmas to you and Sandy.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  34. sniderjerry's avatar sniderjerry December 23, 2019 / 5:40 pm

    Wonderful essay – Santa has great taste in picking friends in Philadelphia. All good things for you and Sandy this holiday season. Jerry

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  35. Des's avatar Des December 23, 2019 / 6:01 pm

    Looks like you have some Christmas lovers in your neighborhood, Neil. Fun post with some great photos!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 23, 2019 / 8:21 pm

      Hi there, Des. On TV last night I saw a feature about a stretch of blocks in South Philadelphia that are decorated to the hilt for Christmas. Those blocks are about 20 miles from my house, but I might go there to check them out.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Des's avatar Des December 26, 2019 / 9:59 am

        Sounds amazing, Neil, and probably well worth the drive. Have fun! Des

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  36. andrewcferguson's avatar andrewcferguson December 23, 2019 / 6:22 pm

    Santa writes well … he’s obviously learned at the feet of a master.

    As you Americans say, Happy Holidays! Look forward to much more from the Philadelphia ‘burbs in 2020.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      • Pam Lazos's avatar Pam Lazos December 23, 2019 / 11:49 pm

        Who doesn’t like lighting candles, Neil. The reason for the holiday in my opinion. 😂

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  38. Ann Coleman's avatar Ann Coleman December 23, 2019 / 7:12 pm

    I think it will be interesting to have Santa as a neighbor! (But what will he do with all those reindeer?) Happy Chanukah!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  39. annieasksyou's avatar annieasksyou December 23, 2019 / 7:13 pm

    I must say, Neil, that now that you’ve introduced the concepts of Santa’s libido and his appearance in a Speedo ( sorry, I do turn to verse on occasion, but that was unintentional), my relationship with him will never be the same.

    Happy Hanukkah! It was a fun romp.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  40. courseofmirrors's avatar courseofmirrors December 24, 2019 / 7:33 am

    Torn with conflicting desires 🙂 your Santa. Wishing him and his apprentices from the overwhelmed post offices a well deserved rest.
    Many Blessings in the New Years for you and yours.

    Like

    Reply
  42. selizabryangmailcom's avatar selizabryangmailcom December 24, 2019 / 11:01 pm

    Lol! Why does that sound somewhat ominous, even coming from Santa: “There’s a very strong chance you and I will soon be neighbors”?

    Santa in a red Speedo: my eyes can’t unsee that, Neil.
    Thanks for the debauched X-mas imagery !!

    Health and happiness to you and yours.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 25, 2019 / 7:02 am

      I’m glad you liked this story, Stacey. If you celebrate Christmas, enjoy the day. And a very Happy New Year to you and your family.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  43. Isabelle's avatar Isabelle December 25, 2019 / 1:01 pm

    I’m reluctant to say “ Merry Christmas”. I hope “Happy New Year” is more appropriate. I enjoy your post, Neil. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  44. theburningheart's avatar theburningheart December 27, 2019 / 12:10 pm

    Hilarious, as usual, enjoy the Holidays Neil. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  45. AmericaOnCoffee's avatar America On Coffee December 27, 2019 / 5:02 pm

    Santa must take better care of himself and let the mass communication of technology and transportation do all of the traditional work! Mr. and Mrs. Claus can sleigh ride across the snowy horizon and rekindle their relationship. The reindeers would enjoy a break also. Anyhow Neil, a very entertaining post and photos. Blessings and the very best wishes to you, Sandy and your family always and into the new year! 🙏❤️🍁🎼⭐️☃️💫👍

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  46. Christy B's avatar Christy B December 27, 2019 / 5:50 pm

    Great Santa story – He comes to the front door and not through the chimney this time around 😉 PS He’s not fat just well-proportioned!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 27, 2019 / 8:34 pm

      He’s going to appreciate your opinion about his size and weight!

      Hi Christy. Enjoy the upcoming new year.

      Like

      Reply
  47. johnlmalone's avatar johnlmalone December 28, 2019 / 12:23 am

    as always Neil I love the wit and humour and Santa’s feisty personality 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  49. carolinehelbig's avatar carolinehelbig December 28, 2019 / 8:21 pm

    Loved this story Neil. Much funnier than The Griswolds Christmas movie that my family has watched way too many times…and we just keep on doing year after year.
    Happy New Year! All the best to you in 2020!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, Another Blogger's avatar Yeah, Another Blogger December 28, 2019 / 10:26 pm

      Hi, and thanks. If you celebrate Christmas, I hope that Santa delivered the goods properly to your family. If he didn’t, let me know and I’ll give him a good talking to.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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