The Missus Kicked Me Out! (A Guest Post By Santa Claus)

Holy crap, I can’t believe that it’s come to this. Here I am, flying high in the sky with my reindeer during late October, when I should be back home at the North Pole keeping an eye on my crew of elves. Those pointy-eared creatures are becoming lazier and grumpier every year. I tell you, without a demanding boss like me around, last year they’d never have built all the toys that needed to be built. Many kids would have gone giftless on Christmas.

Elves! Shit, one of these days I’m going to replace those weirdos with robots. And what the hell are elves, anyway? I’ve been working with them for almost forever and I still can’t figure that out. One day, eons ago, dozens of them just showed up from out of frigging nowhere. “Hello, Santa,” they said in unison. “It’s colder than a witch’s you-know-what here, but since you apparently don’t mind freezing your ass off, we won’t mind either. Where’s your workshop? We heard you need a hand.”

Actually, they got that wrong. I hate the cold! But that’s enough about elves. I’ve got a bigger problem than them, and it has to do with the inimitable Mrs. Claus. She’s the love of my life. She’s the yin to my yang, or whatever the expression is. And — I can’t believe it — she kicked me out, in the middle of the night, a few hours ago.

Santa,” she yelled at me, her right index finger pointing to the door, “open it and go!”

“But, dear,” I said, “I haven’t . . . ”

She cut me off. “Don’t dear me. I warned you that I wasn’t going to put up any longer with these beautiful Nordic girls showing up at our doorstep. The occasional female visitor is okay. But ever since the pandemic began in March, they’ve been arriving in droves. That’s a strange aspect of the pandemic that nobody could have predicted. ‘Where’s Santa, the adorable, cuddly hunk?’ they all ask me. And then they search the grounds and find you in the reindeer stables or out on the snow fields. I don’t even want to think about how many of these temptresses have had their way with you. Santa, I’ve had enough! Go, and don’t come back until you’re prepared to mend your ways.”

I turned the door handle and headed out, adding these words: “I’ve explained to you a million times that all I’ve ever done is talk with these girls, give them my autograph, and allow them to snap selfies with me. I swear to you that nothing further has ever happened. How could it, anyway? I mean, considering that my nuts are perpetually frozen solid in this icebox of a land, it’s amazing that I’ve been able to satisfy even one person occasionally, carnally-speaking. And that person, of course, is you.”

Where am I? I must be getting close. Ah yes, I see Willow Grove, Pennsylvania just a few miles away. I’m going to land the sleigh there in the backyard of my friends Sandy and Neil and ask them to take me in for the night (you can read part of our backstory by clicking here). Maybe it will turn out to be for many nights. Let me pull on the reins just so, and maneuver the reindeer downward. Success! We’ve landed silently. Sandy and Neil will be surprised to see me.

It’s 7:15 PM, and fully dark. I ring the doorbell. I hear footsteps. “Who’s there?” two voices ask.

“It’s Santa,” I say. “I need your help.”

The door opens, revealing Neil and Sandy. Both of them, like me, are masked. Neil, his eyes smiling, gives me a big hug. “Santa, what’s happened? By the way, you’re the first person, other than Sandy, that I’ve hugged since the pandemic started. You are virus-free, right?”

“Neil, I get tested every day. I’m as fit as a f*cking fiddle.”

“That’s what I love about you, Santa. You’re jolly and foul-mouthed, a hard combination to beat. Let’s all of us ditch our masks,” Neil says. We do.

“Foul-mouthed, yes. Not feeling too jolly right now though, Neil.” In a few brief sentences I explain the sorry situation that I’ve found myself in. “Sandy, Neil,” I then say, “I didn’t know who else to turn to. I can stay for a while, can’t I?”

“Indeed you can, Santa,” Sandy answers, planting kisses on my cheeks. “And maybe we will be able to resolve your big problem. First, though, how about taking a stroll with us around the neighborhood? Halloween is almost here, you know, and a lot of households in this town have gone whole hog in decorating their properties with Halloween displays. That’s become a thing, Santa. The decorations are almost as beautiful as the ones at Christmastime. You are sorely in need of some cheering up, and the displays will do that for you.”

Off we go. And my friends are right. I’m amazed by the colors, the lights, the ghosts and pumpkins. Ooh la la! My mood, which has been stuck on sour and troubled, is heading a bit north.

Back at the house, Sandy and Neil lead me to the ground-level guest bedroom. “You’ll be comfortable here, Santa,” Sandy says. “The bed is reinforced, so there’s no chance that you’ll collapse the springs. But perhaps you won’t need to stay. Santa, what’s Mrs. Claus’s phone number?” I tell her. She goes upstairs, out of ear range, and Neil and I wait for her return.

Five minutes later, she’s back. Smiling. “Guess what, Santa?” she asks.

“I don’t know. Mrs. Claus won the Powerball jackpot? She found my favorite pair of boxer shorts that’s been missing since 1907?”

“No, better. The elves, it seems, have been watching your every move for months. A half hour after you left the North Pole they went to talk with your wife. And they corroborated your statements. Santa, Mrs. Claus wants you to return home. Now!”

Well, needless to say, I guess that I’ve misjudged and undervalued the f*cking weirdos that work for me.

Elves!

(Santa suggests that you not be shy about adding your comments.)

111 thoughts on “The Missus Kicked Me Out! (A Guest Post By Santa Claus)

  1. Lynette d'Arty-Cross October 27, 2020 / 1:14 am

    “I mean, considering that my nuts are perpetually frozen solid in this icebox of a land, it’s amazing that I’ve been able to satisfy even one person occasionally, carnally-speaking.” At that line, I laughed out loud! 😀
    I have no idea who the elves are. Pretty strange. You should probably be asking more questions, Santa. After all, you’ve got to be careful about beings who suddenly show up, in large numbers and uninvited, on your doorstep. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. George October 27, 2020 / 2:04 am

    Aw, just when Santa thought he was going to be able to thaw out his nuts for a night. Good to hear marital relations have been restored in the North Pole. Funny how the elves having been keeping such a close eye on him as he hangs out with a bevvy of Nordic beauties 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 27, 2020 / 11:08 am

      Elves seem to have unusual powers and talents. If Santa hasn’t figured them out after all these years, nobody will.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Platypus Man October 27, 2020 / 3:35 am

    Santa, anyone who protests his innocence as much as you do must be as guilty as hell. I suspect your rosy-cheeked glow has nothing to do with the cold, but is simply because you’re always getting your chubby leg over some hot Nordic totty. And what a shocking display of blatant, unrepentant elve-ism. Shame on you, old man 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Steve Higgins October 27, 2020 / 6:58 am

    Nice to see you’re on such good terms with Santa. Next time you see him perhaps you could mention the new laptop I’m after this Christmas. I wasn’t completely impressed with the socks he left me last year!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Joyce Hamilton October 27, 2020 / 7:54 am

    I always look forward to your photos. With all my walking around l see more than ever before.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 27, 2020 / 11:12 am

      Hey there, Joyce. As you know, an awful lot of households in our neighborhood have put up real good Halloween decorations this year. Is it more than ever before? Seems to me that maybe it is.

      Like

  6. Robert Parker October 27, 2020 / 8:47 am

    How did he know Neil was smiling if he was wearing a mask? He could still tell if you’ve been naughty, the elves just ask Google and your wife, but does he have X-ray vision? I hope he doesn’t decide to switch to Halloween for his yearly event, hanging around with reindeer all the time may have made him un-stable.
    Thanks for the fun story, and if you run into any of these Nordic women, please let them know Milwaukee is a lot like the North Pole, I could show them around.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Robert Parker October 27, 2020 / 11:34 am

        It was the elves that tipped me off, they really do watch Santa like a hawk, and keep an eye on you, too, better be good.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Laurie Graves October 27, 2020 / 10:09 am

    Oh, fun! This sure made me smile. And in response to Robert Parker’s question about how Santa knew Neil was smiling: Come on, Robert. If Santa knows if you have been naughty or nice, then he knows if you’re smiling. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Debra October 27, 2020 / 11:06 am

    Hope by the holidays Santa has delivered the best present of all—a new president!
    BTW: The Halloween decorations in South Philly are amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Catwoods October 27, 2020 / 12:19 pm

    Ahahahaha that’s a hoot!
    I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Santa showing up around here this time of year. Where I live as soon as Halloween is over those decorations go down, and the Christmas decorations go up!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. viewfromoverthehill October 27, 2020 / 2:47 pm

    Hmmm, wonder if Santa’s Missis is American. Europeans don’t get as upset about little spousal diversions.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Helen Devries October 27, 2020 / 2:53 pm

    A good job he did not come to Costa Rica….no Hallowe’en decorations like those superb ones in your neck of the woods, and a chance of being tear gassed by the police.
    But he would have been pleased to see that houses are already putting up their Christmas stuff as we saw when going out today.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Helen Devries October 27, 2020 / 4:09 pm

        Christmas music in the shops already…a surfeit of reindeer….perhaps people want something to be happy about.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. workinacresnothours October 27, 2020 / 3:40 pm

    haha. I flamin love Christmas, its so much fun, halloween not so much, the decorations are cute though.. Your story was fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 27, 2020 / 4:52 pm

      Hey there. I suppose that there will be far fewer kids trick-or-treating this year. And far fewer households giving out candy.

      Like

  13. carolinehelbig October 27, 2020 / 4:03 pm

    Wonderful! This would make a funny movie. I can just picture the elves and the Nordic girls.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. JT Twissel October 27, 2020 / 4:49 pm

    Have you seen The Christmas Chronicles with Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn? Seems to me this would make a very jolly script for that series!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 27, 2020 / 5:27 pm

      Afternoon, JT. I’m not familiar with that movie. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen too many Christmas movies. A real good one is Miracle On 34th Street, needless to say. See ya!

      Like

  15. sniderjerry October 27, 2020 / 7:03 pm

    Season’s greetings. What does Santa do in his garden? Ho Ho Ho. Have a great day! Jerry

    Liked by 1 person

  16. ellie894 October 27, 2020 / 7:14 pm

    Looks like those elves have earned their cocoa rations maybe even add a bit of brandy for some bonus cheer. Great read Neil!
    Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Ann Coleman October 27, 2020 / 8:02 pm

    They may be odd, but it seems those elves come in handy when you really need them! (And great photos of the Halloween decorations, by the way.)

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Suzanne October 27, 2020 / 10:03 pm

    Good grief, it’s not near the festive season, is it? Fun story and it made me smile.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 27, 2020 / 10:23 pm

      Hey there. Well, Santa is back home now. And I assume his mind is on the deliveries he will be making in late December. Take care. Many thanks for stopping by.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Suzanne October 27, 2020 / 10:28 pm

        If he is like the delivery service around these parts he will be late.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. selizabryangmailcom October 28, 2020 / 12:44 am

    Can’t believe it’s almost here again.
    Holy crap.
    Good effing bye, 2020!
    PS: If you haven’t seen “Elf,” you guys have got to rent it sometime during the season.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 28, 2020 / 7:43 am

      Morning, Stacey. 2021 is bound to be better than 2020, but that’s assuming that Trump is voted out of office.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. sniderjerry October 28, 2020 / 9:48 am

    Hey there Neil, did you know Santa will only have seven reindeer with him this Christmas. It seems Comet will be staying behind to clean the bathroom. Have a rim shot day. Jerry

    Liked by 2 people

  21. theburningheart October 28, 2020 / 11:39 am

    I don’t know about Santa being a faithful husband.
    In Spanish speaking countries his habit of coming through the fireplace it’s suspicious, a lot of people call him Sancho Claus, instead of Santa!
    And Sancho it’s the nickname of the proverbial anonymous lover, of the wife at home, meanwhile the husband is busy working away from home. 🤔

    Liked by 3 people

  22. theburningheart October 28, 2020 / 12:52 pm

    It’s a common joke, at least on my neck of the woods. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. eden baylee October 28, 2020 / 4:41 pm

    Nice decos. We have a street in the city that does it yearly with blow up Santas. Wonder if they will again this year. Covid has gotten rid of so much that I hope they keep it. Ir’s outdoors and people do drive bys to see it anyway.

    Fun story btw, ever think of writing an erotic Santa story? heh 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  24. johnlmalone October 28, 2020 / 5:09 pm

    another entertaining romp; Neil; ‘jolly and foul-mouthed’ love that 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  25. cincinnatibabyhead October 29, 2020 / 12:12 am

    The little buggers came through in a pinch. Thanks for taking Santa in for the short term.

    Like

  26. Crystal Byers October 30, 2020 / 12:02 pm

    I like the Missus here and the fact that Santa came to see you when he was down on his luck. That says a lot about you and Sandy.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. joylennick October 31, 2020 / 2:09 pm

    Hi Neil, Quite a diversion for you…Fun though.
    By the way, I’d keep an eye on those elves and the Nordic maidens if I were you!
    Did you trick or treat? Cheers. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger October 31, 2020 / 4:35 pm

      Hi. It will be dark in my area in an hour. I’m interested to find out how many trick or treaters will be in the streets tonight. Not many, I’m sure.

      Like

    • Yeah, Another Blogger November 1, 2020 / 4:01 pm

      Hey there, Denise. Glad you liked the story. When I began this blog, I never anticipated writing about Santa Claus. But it’s happened several times.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. alhenry November 1, 2020 / 5:24 pm

    Ah, an “all’s well that ends well” ending. Will S. would appreciate that. As for incredible Halloween decor, egads, I couldn’t believe the houses I pass on my daily walks. Decorations up the yin-yang, or is it the wazoo? We did a modest bow to the Day of Ghouls and carved the annual pumpkins. Mine has a big mouth that says “Boo” or :”Goo” or “800”, depending on how you look at it. But Ed’s is amazing. It’s the real ghoul, the #1 Nightmare, TheRUMPster himself, complete with yellow paper hair and the little squinty psycho eyes.

    Like

  29. Alyson November 1, 2020 / 7:02 pm

    Always enjoy your Santa stories although it looks as if he’s got competition nowadays from the hallowe’en displays. Great pics.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. cath November 2, 2020 / 3:47 pm

    He’s lucky to have friends like you and Sandy. Not so sure about those elves, I wouldn’t want ‘weirdos’ watching my every move, even if they did provide me with an alibi!

    Nice pics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger November 2, 2020 / 5:42 pm

      Halloween passed very quietly in my neighborhood. I wasn’t aware of any kids going around trick-or-treating. Another casualty of coronavirus.

      Liked by 1 person

      • cath November 3, 2020 / 4:03 am

        fingers crossed it’s a temporary hiatus. I’m hearing optimistic thoughts about vaccines on the radio news…

        Liked by 1 person

  31. Jeff the Chef November 5, 2020 / 8:07 am

    It’s unlike elves to do good for no reason. When Santa gets back, he might want to review the footage from the hidden “security” cameras throughout his workshop, to see what the elves and Mrs. Claus have been up to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger November 5, 2020 / 12:03 pm

      Jeff, this is Santa. Thank you for the suggestion. I did exactly what you said, and everything is on the up and up.

      Like

  32. D. Wallace Peach November 6, 2020 / 12:28 pm

    It seems the elves do come in handy for a thing or two. The Christmas decorations should be here any day now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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