“Doctor, you’ll be pleased to know that I don’t have any major problems to discuss with you today,” I said to my psychiatrist, Dr. R. U. Forereel, at the start of our most recent monthly session. “But there definitely is something that’s perplexing me.”
“Neil, I’m happy that you’ll be taking it easy on me,” she replied. “I’ve had a rough week, what with patient after patient yapping away about their lives, complaining about this, that and the other thing. What is wrong with these people anyway? I’m sure that I don’t know. Don’t they realize that life isn’t a bowl of cherries, let alone a bowl of oatmeal? I tell you, I should have listened to my parents and become a dairy farmer instead of going into medicine. Cows aren’t demanding. Oh well, live and learn. Neil, let’s proceed. Time’s a wastin’.”
“Funny you should use that word, doctor,” I said, “because time is precisely what I’d like to talk to you about. It’s moving too fast, isn’t it? Why, you’d think that 2021 has a fire cracker up its ass, pardon my crudity. Before we know it, Santa Claus will be shimmying down chimneys all around the world. And a week after that, 2022 will have arrived.”
“Your perceptions are interesting and valid, Neil,” said my psychiatrist. “Did 2020 also move quickly for you?”
“Indeed it did, doctor, despite all my worrying about COVID. But 2021 is zipping along faster than any year ever has. What gives?”
“Well, how can I put this politely, Neil? Hmmm . . . a quick glance at your patient information chart reveals to me that the last time you might have been described as a spring chicken was five decades ago. To put it another way, your glory days are ancient history. Here then is the bottom line: You officially are old as shit, pardon my crudity. And it’s been proven that, as the years pass, time moves unusually quickly for a particular segment of males in the old as shit category, far more so than it does for anyone else. Sadly, you are a member of said segment.”
She sighed and shook her head, gazing, with pity in her eyes, at the abundant prune-like creases on my face. Then she said, “Neil, I refer you to the writings of Albert Einstein. Apparently, you are not familiar with his Specific Theory Of Relativity For Heavily-Wrinkled Old F*ckers, a brilliant treatise that explains how time affects those gentlemen with your dermatological condition. Pardon Professor Einstein’s crudity, by the way.”
“You are in your life’s homestretch, Neil,” she continued. “This is true even if you manage to hang on for another 25 years. And as if that isn’t bad enough, your remaining years are absolutely going to zoom by so fast they’ll make 2021 seem as though it had been in slow motion. Poof! In the relative blink of an eye your days above ground will be over. All of what I say, of course, paraphrases the Specific Theory, which I urge you to read. Einstein certainly was a genius, no? Fascinatingly, he was a prune lover too.”
“Holy crap, Dr, Forereel! You’re bumming me way out! What am I to do? I feel one hundred times worse than I did when we began today’s session.”
“I’m so sorry to be the bearer of truths, Neil. And I would like to help you dissolve the bleakness that you’re experiencing, but I’m afraid that this session has reached its end. Please try to keep your chin up. It’s sagging, you know. I hope to see you in four weeks.”
As down in the dumps as I’ve ever been, I shuffled out of her office, got into my car and made my way home. Not surprisingly, I arrived there in no time at all.
Yeah, Another Blogger 
Ah, brills, Neil! I have the same time pressure. Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. xo
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Hi Pam. Yup, Thanksgiving was good. The pumpkin pie, though, wasn’t up to snuff!
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Enjoy riding in the fast lane, Neil. Pretty soon we won’t be able to remember a goddamn thing. Pardon my crudity.
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Man, can you believe that December starts in two days? New Year’s Eve is almost here.
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Oh, I’m so sorry. But I laughed throughout this entire post. Damn the therapist. And Einstein. And truth and TIME, the worst culprit of all.
But laughing as we speed along does help. Somehow. Doesn’t it? :-o)
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Hi. I don’t know who coined the phrase “laughter is the best medicine”. But they were right.
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ABSOLUteLY.
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I’ll say one thing for your doctor, she is one straight talking, no nonsense, tell it how it is kind of a gal. Can’t help thing though that You might get more sympathy down at your local bar plus certain beverages, whisky for instance, do have medicinal qualities. So I’ve heard . . .
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Hi there, Steve. Dr. Forereel gives tough love! (Or maybe it isn’t love at all).
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Hi, Neil. I haven’t been around for a while. Thanks for making me laugh at reality!
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Hey there. I’m glad to hear from you. Many thanks for stopping by.
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Haha, this is brilliant. I do approve of doctors who don’t sugar code things. Einstein did have a point about relativity, although I think the”time flies” phenomenon happens to younger people as well.
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Hi. Yeah, but most young people don’t dwell on it much, I think.
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Finally got to it this morning and laughed and laughed and laughed!
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Hi. I’m glad you enjoyed the piece. Take care.
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Time does go super fast and the older I get the worse it seems to get!
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Zoom!
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Keep those insights coming! Having solved the mystery of time, I fully expect to learn the meaning of life from your next post!
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Hi. I’m working on it!
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Dr. Forereal is more expressive than medicinally prescriptive. Heh?
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She has her own way of looking at things, that’s for sure.
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Haha! I enjoyed this account of your “session”.
But you’re right. Time does feel like it’s speeding up. 2021 was gone in a flash, it seems like!
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And January 2022 is zipping by. Time refuses to slow down!
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