That’s Life

A few weeks ago I headed to a nearby public library to engage in an activity that I like a lot: wandering up and down fiction aisles in search of my next read. Sometimes I have a specific author or title in mind. But more often than not I examine the shelves randomly, pulling out books here and there and giving them the once-over. Prone to quick judgments that undoubtedly are incorrect the majority of the time, within seconds I commonly return many of those books to their assigned places. Hey, they had a chance to make a good first impression, but they blew it!

However, by the end of almost every visit I stand at the checkout desk with two or more volumes in hand, hoping that at least one of them is worthy. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. A few weeks ago, at the aforementioned library, I won, arriving home with a pile of books that included An Actual Life, by Abigail Thomas, whom I’d never heard of until her novel caught my roving eye. Normally a herky-jerky reader whose attention span over the last 20 years has fallen off a f*cking cliff, I found myself gliding through Thomas’s opus, digging the journey. An Actual Life, which was published in 1996, is good. Damn good.

It is the saga of married couple Virginia and Buddy, their baby daughter Madeline, and a small cast of other characters. Virginia is 19, Buddy is 21. Though they knew far too little about each other, wanting to do the “right thing” they’d wed after Virginia, during the first coital session she ever had engaged in, became pregnant by Buddy.

Most appropriately and agreeably, Abigail Thomas has endowed Virginia, the narrator of An Actual Life, with a homespun way of talking. Set in small-town New Jersey and Massachusetts circa 1960, the book opens when Madeline is just shy of her first birthday, by which time Virginia and Buddy’s marriage has become nearly as cold as a refrigerator’s freezer section. Not only are they not in love, they never truly were. Unhappy and stumbling through life, Virginia doesn’t know what she should do. And she has little idea what Buddy thinks about their situation, or about anything else really, as he is pretty much the silent type. Around her, anyway. Her love for Madeline, whom she adores, is enough to keep Virginia going, but to where?

Right from the start the book pulls no punches. A couple of hundred words in, mulling over the fact that Buddy is with her only out of a sense of duty, Virginia has this to say:

And there’s really nothing about me to love anyway. There’s not even really any me, exactly. I keep changing inside my skin. There’s no definite person in here. My voice comes out weird and I hardly ever say anything I mean.

Man, those are heavy-duty statements. Virginia’s low self-esteem is on clear display throughout the remaining pages too. Fortunately for the reader, Virginia also is witty as hell. The combination of bleakness and barbed observations makes An Actual Life feel real. There’s nothing strained or artificial here. Thomas writes like a champ.

Unlike the vast majority of books I tackle, An Actual Life got me thinking about life, its challenges, pitfalls, delights, vagaries, and all the rest of the deal. If Thomas ever were to pen a sequel to An Actual Life, I’m guessing it would take place 15 or more years later, and that Virginia, having faced up to her realities, would be on at least fairly strong footing.

Isn’t that the way things go for most of us? In our teens and into our twenties or beyond, we’re still babes in the woods, more or less, trying to figure out what paths to take and to decipher what the hell our garbled inner voices are saying to us. Even if we don’t necessarily lift the veils perfectly, and few folks do, eventually we create lives for ourselves that make the grade.

What’s more, when we think about it, we likely realize that we’ve acquired a nice amount of wisdom along the way. The pearls I’m about to spout seem obvious to me now, but they weren’t until maybe 15 years ago. I believe, for instance, that being loving and kind absolutely is where it’s at, and that said behaviors are the keys to a fulfilling life. And I’m convinced that it’s crucial to cultivate and nourish friendships. We can’t have too many friends, good ones especially. Solid friendships, after all, bring us joy and, when needed, comfort, and can open our minds in delightful ways.

Well, seeing that I ain’t exactly Plato or Confucius, I sure as shit better end my philosophizing right now, before I get in way over my head. Till next time!

132 thoughts on “That’s Life

  1. Jeff the Chef August 8, 2022 / 9:29 am

    That sounds like a really good book. I often marvel at what an idiot I was when I was younger, and wonder if I’d do a better job of it if I were to go back, knowing what I know now, and do it again. I think what’d actually happen is that I’d be pretty lonely, because kids that age today are as dumb as i was. It’s a never-ending cycle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 8, 2022 / 2:07 pm

      Jeff, it took forever before I started to realize what’s important in life. I’m lucky that my “awakening” happened at all.


  2. D. Wallace Peach August 8, 2022 / 5:43 pm

    The cover is intriguing, Neil, and I’m glad the story made you think – those books are often the best. I agree that it takes a lot longer than a couple of decades to grow up… a lot longer for me to discover my sense of purpose and place. Most of us get there eventually, and good friends help with that process. That’s comforting. Thanks for the reading recommendation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 8, 2022 / 7:26 pm

      Hi, Diana. A few days ago my wife finished reading An Actual Life. She liked it a lot too. I might check out other books by Abigail Thomas.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Suzanne August 9, 2022 / 10:09 pm

    Haha, you can’t have too much philosophising in life I reckon. Nothing quite as rewarding is finding a book that makes turning pages so worthwhile. I was one of the few women in my era that never married young. Pros and cons on both sides.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Suzanne August 9, 2022 / 11:16 pm

        That one would be very interesting to read. Thought provoking to say the least.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. joylennick August 15, 2022 / 12:21 pm

    Hi Neil, Glad you enjoyed the book. ‘Im indoors and I were discussing long and short ‘courtships’ as was the way years ago – being two old codgers now…and so many teenagers found themselves in the trap they, ignorantly, set themselves. Although no brighter than the next person… I learned to say “No” early on, and even wondered why other girls didn’t consider the dangers of unprotected sex!? But that’s life. It’s rarely as ‘cut and dried’ as that. As for learning what life is all about? Do we ever? Really? It was when I hit around eighty, that I realised it was all about time, or lack of same when younger. I was always a ‘doer’ and a mover’ growing up, ever curious about all aspects of life and keen to experience as much as possible, without thinking too deeply, at times, about it. As the years passed and I married and had three, worthy, adored sons, maturity reigned, and now I have more time to ponder on the past, present and shortened future, emotions are heightened and aroused in an amazing fashion. Listening to music: classical and jazz it reaches places I didn’t know I had and I can smile and cry within seconds. although I have always loved music. As you said, Neil, love is all you need, with, perhaps, a side salad of hope and chocolate! Cheers. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 15, 2022 / 1:17 pm

      Hi. It’s great that you continue to evolve and grow, as your relationship with music shows. None of us is ever too old to learn new things and to be excited about life. Not all people are like that, though. But you definitely are. Bye for now. Have a great week!


  5. denisebushphoto August 17, 2022 / 2:07 pm

    I wrote down the title and will have to see if there is an audio book available. It sounds like the kind of story I would like. I have been getting audio books through the Colorado library system with an app called Libby. They also have text books if you have a tablet. I know some people just like the feel of a real book though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 17, 2022 / 4:53 pm

      Hi, Denise. Audio books are extremely popular. I wouldn’t be surprised if some books sell more audio copies than print or e-reader copies.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. BookerTalk August 18, 2022 / 4:44 am

    I miss those days when I’d just wander through the shelves. Since starting blogging and following scores of other bloggers I have ended up with a long list of books I want to read so end up looking just for those in the library.

    Liked by 1 person

      • BookerTalk August 18, 2022 / 10:15 am

        One thing I know – there are more books in the world I want to read than I have the capacity to read..

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 21, 2022 / 11:22 pm

      Hello. Thanks for visiting. Yes, this novel made a big impression on me, much more than most books do.


  7. alisendopf August 23, 2022 / 6:20 pm

    You have the uncanny ability to make an otherwise dreary read sound amazing. Just thinking about reading a book about a bad marriage makes my stomach turn, yet I find myself wanting to run to my public library to see if I can borrow this book.

    I do enjoy your writings, musings and philosophy. Kindness and friendship will get you through most of life’s tough situations. I’m sure you’re blessed with plenty of both.

    Liked by 1 person

    • alisendopf August 23, 2022 / 6:22 pm

      Almost forgot – I bet the author would love to read your review. Have you posted this anywhere she can easily find it?

      Liked by 1 person

        • alisendopf August 25, 2022 / 11:31 pm

          Right, but you could put this review on Amazon or Goodreads. Link back to your blog. I’m sure the author would appreciate your words of support and wisdom.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, Another Blogger August 23, 2022 / 7:38 pm

      Hello there, Alisen. I don’t think of An Actual Life as a downer. The narrator has an unpolished wit, which keeps things from becoming too depressing. It’s a very good book.


      • alisendopf August 25, 2022 / 11:30 pm

        I trust your judgement. Life is hard enough, so I try and read and watch uplifting content. Good to hear the wit keeps this tale entertaining and fresh. Thank you for another wonderful recommendation.

        Liked by 1 person

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