A few weeks ago I headed to a nearby public library to engage in an activity that I like a lot: wandering up and down fiction aisles in search of my next read. Sometimes I have a specific author or title in mind. But more often than not I examine the shelves randomly, pulling out books here and there and giving them the once-over. Prone to quick judgments that undoubtedly are incorrect the majority of the time, within seconds I commonly return many of those books to their assigned places. Hey, they had a chance to make a good first impression, but they blew it!
However, by the end of almost every visit I stand at the checkout desk with two or more volumes in hand, hoping that at least one of them is worthy. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. A few weeks ago, at the aforementioned library, I won, arriving home with a pile of books that included An Actual Life, by Abigail Thomas, whom I’d never heard of until her novel caught my roving eye. Normally a herky-jerky reader whose attention span over the last 20 years has fallen off a f*cking cliff, I found myself gliding through Thomas’s opus, digging the journey. An Actual Life, which was published in 1996, is good. Damn good.
It is the saga of married couple Virginia and Buddy, their baby daughter Madeline, and a small cast of other characters. Virginia is 19, Buddy is 21. Though they knew far too little about each other, wanting to do the “right thing” they’d wed after Virginia, during the first coital session she ever had engaged in, became pregnant by Buddy.
Most appropriately and agreeably, Abigail Thomas has endowed Virginia, the narrator of An Actual Life, with a homespun way of talking. Set in small-town New Jersey and Massachusetts circa 1960, the book opens when Madeline is just shy of her first birthday, by which time Virginia and Buddy’s marriage has become nearly as cold as a refrigerator’s freezer section. Not only are they not in love, they never truly were. Unhappy and stumbling through life, Virginia doesn’t know what she should do. And she has little idea what Buddy thinks about their situation, or about anything else really, as he is pretty much the silent type. Around her, anyway. Her love for Madeline, whom she adores, is enough to keep Virginia going, but to where?
Right from the start the book pulls no punches. A couple of hundred words in, mulling over the fact that Buddy is with her only out of a sense of duty, Virginia has this to say:
And there’s really nothing about me to love anyway. There’s not even really any me, exactly. I keep changing inside my skin. There’s no definite person in here. My voice comes out weird and I hardly ever say anything I mean.
Man, those are heavy-duty statements. Virginia’s low self-esteem is on clear display throughout the remaining pages too. Fortunately for the reader, Virginia also is witty as hell. The combination of bleakness and barbed observations makes An Actual Life feel real. There’s nothing strained or artificial here. Thomas writes like a champ.
Unlike the vast majority of books I tackle, An Actual Life got me thinking about life, its challenges, pitfalls, delights, vagaries, and all the rest of the deal. If Thomas ever were to pen a sequel to An Actual Life, I’m guessing it would take place 15 or more years later, and that Virginia, having faced up to her realities, would be on at least fairly strong footing.
Isn’t that the way things go for most of us? In our teens and into our twenties or beyond, we’re still babes in the woods, more or less, trying to figure out what paths to take and to decipher what the hell our garbled inner voices are saying to us. Even if we don’t necessarily lift the veils perfectly, and few folks do, eventually we create lives for ourselves that make the grade.
What’s more, when we think about it, we likely realize that we’ve acquired a nice amount of wisdom along the way. The pearls I’m about to spout seem obvious to me now, but they weren’t until maybe 15 years ago. I believe, for instance, that being loving and kind absolutely is where it’s at, and that said behaviors are the keys to a fulfilling life. And I’m convinced that it’s crucial to cultivate and nourish friendships. We can’t have too many friends, good ones especially. Solid friendships, after all, bring us joy and, when needed, comfort, and can open our minds in delightful ways.
Well, seeing that I ain’t exactly Plato or Confucius, I sure as shit better end my philosophizing right now, before I get in way over my head. Till next time!
Yeah, Another Blogger 
So many novels are written about beginnings, seen from the point of view of younger people. I’d like to read the sequel that comes 15 years after the “happy ever after,” wouldn’t you?
Great observations, one begets the other – kind and loving people nourish great friendships.
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“. . . kind and loving people nourish great friendships.” Absolutely!
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I think that your philosophical musings are great and well observed. Thank you!
Joanna
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Well, like I said, I ain’t exactly Plato or Confucious. But I gave it a shot.
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What a wonderful post, Neil! And thanks for the heads up about the book.
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Hi, Lynette. The book is a good one. Definitely worth checking out.
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A good book inspires the person who reads it to think about things beyond the book’s content. It seems this one had that effect on you.
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Howdy, Audrey. It did, and I’m not exactly sure why. It connected with me , though, and I’m glad that happened.
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Oh, Neil – who needs Pluto – whoops, Plato – and consorts when we have YOU! You are down to earth and say it as it is, and I do so agree that kindness and love are the two most needed ingredients on our precious planet. Kick greed out of the equation, add hope, and what more could we ask for! Fortunately, im indoors is one of the good guys, and I bet your wife thinks the same of you. Cheers. x
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Joy, I like the way you think. And the way you act. You are top-notch in my book.
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Thank you, kind sir! x
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This sounds like a relatable book. Unfortunately there are many Virginias and Buddys who don’t evolve much beyond their youthful points of view.
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Right, maturation isn’t a given. The world would be a far better place if it were.
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Short but interesting post. I missed a little music.
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Yeah, I haven’t included any music in my recent stories. But it will happen again, and pretty soon I bet.
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No, Neil, you shouldn’t quit your philosophizing. Some of the simplest truths are the most profound, and I agree that kindness and friendship are two of life’s greatest sources of enrichment.
A Netflix recommendation: “A Yak in the Classroom.” It’s really a lovely travelogue of Bhutan wrapped around a sweet story—slow moving, but full of kindness and friendship—and inspiration.
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Hi, Annie. Thanks for the tip. My wife and I are always looking for new series to watch. A good one we saw this month is River, which originally was on BBC I think. It’s a detective series. Amazon carries it.
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Will look for it. FYI: “Yak” is a film—not a series.
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A+ for a book report infused with a bit of philosophical speculation by an ACTUAL blogger!
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I actually like your comment!
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I love libraries and wandering them waiting to be surprised. You found a real gem! I’ll keep my eyes open for that one. Take care ☺️
>
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Libraries are fine places to spend time in. And, like you say, they are full of surprises. I feel sorry for communities that don’t have libraries.
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Fabulous review Neil. If a novel makes you think it has succeeded in my opinion. Thanks for the recommendation. ♥
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I suppose that not too many books get me thinking, which says more about me than about them, probably. Anyway, An Actual Life did.
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I couldn’t help but dig into Abigail. What a life she’s led! Starting with the ‘bad’ marriage, it kind of got worse! But she has a passel of published books out there. Thanks for the intro.
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She was new to me too, until a few weeks ago. I’ll probably check out at least one more of her books.
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An Actual Life is now on my TBR list. Thanks, Neil, for the recommendation and enticing description. I agree with your thoughts about the wisdom we slowly develop over the years . . . well, most of us.
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I guess it’s true that we get wiser over time. Better late than never!
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Thanks for recommending the book, Neil. It’s good to read something that affects you deeply and makes you think about how you exist in this finite time we have on earth. Just when you think you’ve learned so much, you discover something new! That’s the best part for me. 😀
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“It’s definitely good to try and keep learning. Whole “new” worlds are out there waiting for us to discover them.
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A lot of contemporary fiction seems to focus on characters who might say what Virginia does, “There’s no definite person in here.” I wonder if that feeling is as prevalent in real life as it is in books. If so, we have a f**kload of lost people around.
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Hi, Sam. What percent of the adult population would you guess falls into that category?
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Thanks for the book review….another to add to the list.
What you say about the importance of friendship rings so true for me…I do sometimes feel very alone when my husband is gravely ill..but friendship always pulls me through.
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There are people — hopefully not too many — who have no real-life friends. Maybe they have some virtual, online friends, which I guess is better than nothing.
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The book sounds interesting and nice to read how it brought about your words of wisdom. I’ll look for the book next time. Maggie
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Hi, Maggie. My wife is reading An Actual Life now. She likes it, though not quite as much as I did.
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You’re so right about everything, Neil, and most especially about friendships. I was never cavalier about friendship in my youth, and I recognized their importance, but in a way I thought of them as a lovely sauce atop a steak. Now that I’m in my 60s, they ARE the steak. Health, kindness (our own, and those of other people), and love are the three greatest life gifts. I’m hoping and believing that you have all of these.
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Thanks, Paula. Good friendships truly are crucial. We need those deep connections in order to have substantial lives. I suppose there are some folks who are exceptions to this, but basically it’s true.
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Neil, thanks for the review. It’s great when a book gets us “thinking about life, its challenges, pitfalls, delights, vagaries, and all the rest of the deal.” Marriage out of a sense of duty due to an unexpected/unplanned pregnancy rarely ends well, even when the law so dictates. I’m with you when you say that love, kindness, and friendship make our lives meaningful and joyful.
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Hi. Off the top of my head, I’d say that the previous book that got me thinking along these lines was Flight, a novel by Sherman Alexie that I read two or three years ago. It’s short and pretty powerful.
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Great post. I love how some books pull you in. I get so excited when I have a new pile by my bedside. But as you say, you win some you lose some….
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Hi. Which books over the last year or two have you liked a lot?
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So true. I am also a random reader – pulling books off the shelves. Sometimes I hit a jackpot – if not, no big deal!
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And we’re always bound to find good books, because there are zillions of books out there. And quite a few are good or better.
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I love the smell of some of the older libraries, too…..and the secluded corners in some of them to lose oneself in the books.
Nice piece!
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I know what you mean about the smell. In the towns near me, there’s one library I know of with that kind of smell. That library building looks old, and IS old.
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Hear, hear! I will be putting An Actual Life on my TBR list. Always enjoy book reviews.
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Greetings, Laurie. I think you’ll like An Actual Life. It feels authentic.
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I love your way of meandering through the library’s shelves and letting a book (or books) grab your attention. Your recent pick sounds very intriguing, if maybe a bit melancholy. But for most of us, life isn’t a bed of roses.
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Hi. A blogger I follow wrote an essay a few days ago about William Faulkner. I haven’t read anything by him in 20 or more years. Maybe I’ll give one of his novels a try. Have you read any of his books?
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I have not, Neil, but I hope you will–and give us a review. 🙂
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Loved your post Neil! Thanks for encouraging one more book to my to-read pile
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Hello there. I have a million books on my list too. I’d have to live another 500 years to get to all of them.
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I like your philosophy and agree with it! I also love to wander through libraries and book stores, hoping that I end up with a special book worth reading. I haven’t read this one by Abigail Thomas, but I did read “A Three Dog Life” which is the non-fiction account of her life with her husband after he was hit by a car and suffered severe brain damage. (I would recommend it, it’s very good.) And now I’d like to try “An Actual Life.” Thanks for the review!
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Hi, Ann. Thanks for mentioning another of her books. There are so many talented book writers out there, and she’s clearly one of them.
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Beautifully written and makes me want to hustle to the library and check it out.
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Evening, Denise. It’s a good one. Very much worth reading.
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it’s good to find a book that grabs you attention, Neil but I’m off to the library tomorrow with a list of books short listed for a major Australian Literature prize; hopefully like you I will end will end up with a real page turner —
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Happy hunting!
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You’ve inspired me to blow the dust off my library card, Neil. 👍
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Go for it!
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It’s nice that you moved toward love and kindness and not away from it, as so many have and are doing today. Props to you, and thanks for the intriguing write-up.
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Putin is leading the way among those who don’t believe in love and kindness.
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So true and friendship and kindness are where it’s at! Happy reading, Neil.
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Hey there, Marie. With kindness, love, friends and good books we can’t go too wrong. And with beer and pizza too!
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Thanks for the book review, Neil. It sounds like a thought-provoking story. I also appreciate your words of wisdom. Love, kindness and friendship are worthy principles to live by. I am still working on that. If I could only resist telling people what I really think, it would be a lot easier.
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Telling people what you really think is a worthy principle too. Maybe!
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the book – one for the wish list.
So true about taking care of our friendships too. A good friend is worth their weight in gold.
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Hi, Alyson. Life would be pretty bleak without friends.
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You may be wise beyond your years. Added to loving kindness, that’s hard to beat. If you’d send me a snail mail address (fjohns33@mindspring.com) I’ll send you a book you might enjoy; it’s unfortunately not on your library shelf. Book review NOT REQUIRED.
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Hey there, Fran. I emailed my address to you a few minutes ago. Enjoy the day.
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You speak the truth about books AND friends! Gene, who loves to wander through bookstores, brought home a book from the remainders table at Barnes & Noble a while back. He read some of it and gave it to me, saying the author was a very good writer and he thought I’d like the book. He was right! It was called Safekeeping: Some True Stories from a Life, by an author I’d never heard of–Abigail Thomas. Coincidence?–or great minds think alike??
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Great minds, not coincidence!
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Hello Neil, This is certainly one of your best essays. You get an A+. I agree with your insights 100%
And I think I’ll call my biography,”Thank God For Second Chances.” Have a great day. Jerry
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Hi Jerry, and thanks. I really appreciate what you said.
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I’m like you, I often put books back on the shelf within seconds too. It has to grab me quickly otherwise I know it won’t stay in my attention span. I’ll put “An Actual Life” on my list. – Marty
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Hi Marty. When it comes to books I’m sure we’re missing out on some winners. But that’s life!
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Sounds like a good one. There is nothing better than books, which make you think. I rarely pick up books at random, I prefer to do a little research before committing. With library books, I can be a bit more experimental, though.
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Yeah, libraries can be terrific. Some are better than others, but there always are pleasant surprises awaiting us at all of them.
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So agree with your musings on life, love, and friendships. And of course on the value of libraries! I think I would enjoy this book but I have such a pile (real and virtual) waiting to be read that I doubt I will. Like yours, my attention span has decreased dramatically lately. I would like to think that things work out well for Virginia and her daughter. Society seems to be going back in some ways, but in others we have made progress. The idea of “having” to get married at such a young age with, I suppose, the alternative being a more or less forced adoption should stay firmly in the past. As for her low self-esteem, I think many young people have that and most mature out of it. It can’t be improved by having to learn to be a mother when you’re barely out of childhood yourself.
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You make some excellent points. Many thanks for adding them. You’ve brought insights that eluded me!
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I liked your post. Thank God we change 😊 I am 60 and looking back I kept the words of my favourite relative in mind. We get what we want in life but many a time we do not. When we cannot change what has come our way, we have to learn to accept them and like them as we go on. Only then we have a good present and have have nice memories of the past in the future. Regards, Lakshmi
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Yes, life isn’t easy. But we need to mature and find our way. Most people do, I think.
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I saw the mention of Faulkner above. I was — and am — so enamoured of his books that when my parents said they would take me anywhere I wanted to go as a high school graduation gift, I chose Faulkner’s home in Oxford, Mississippi. I know the map of the world he created — Yoknapawtapha County — as well as I know my own state, and every time I think I can’t deal with the world one more minute, I re-read his 1950s Nobel Prize acceptance speech. In short: if you want good fiction, there it is.
Otherwise? That quotation and your musings over it probably are dead-on for most of us. When I read “There’s not even really any me, exactly. I keep changing inside my skin. There’s no definite person in here. My voice comes out weird and I hardly ever say anything I mean..” I was sixteen years old again, having to walk into a certain situation and coping by imagining that I wasn’t really me — I was Sophia Loren. It worked then, but it’s not a way to deal with life on a long-term basis.
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That’s one of the reasons why I like An Actual Life: It’s from the viewpoint of a 19-year-old girl who, not knowing the importance of making good decisions, got thrown in way over her head.
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I loved this, Neil. So true that for most of us, wisdom comes late in life. I guess we have to go through all the crazy times during our youth to get to the place where we start to understand what’s really important in our life and life in general.
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Generally speaking, I think that we become better decision-makers when we hit our 40s and beyond. That is, we think things through better, and thus are less liable to do things that have bad consequences.
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Should read this book!
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Hi. It’s a good one. Thanks for stopping by.
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Thanks, Neil – always looking for a special read that isn’t just “the next one on my list”. It’s powerful when an author has you reflecting on your own life. I agree; most of what I read is pretty much forgotten after I close the book.
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Hey, Dave. You know, sometimes I can barely remember a book four or five months after finishing it. Which says more about me than about the book.
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I’m always looking for good book recommendations–this one sounds great! I think I’d like it. Cheers!
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Hi. From poking around online recently, I’ve learned that Abigail Thomas has quite a few fans. She has written both fiction and non-fiction.
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I love how you described your travels through the library. I’m the same way. Only I tended to end up with way more books than I could read before I had to renew the rentals. It’s not the same as browsing on the online library I use, but it is less bulky to just transfer the e-books to my Kindle. Well, anyhoo, your review has convinced me to add the book to my TBR list on Goodreads. Happy reading to you!
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hello, Shelley. I saw a few minutes of a show on Hemingway last night. I haven’t read anything by him in years and years, so maybe I’ll take a look at his works the next time I’m at the library.
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No time like the present to bring back a classic read eh?
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I see a book read in my future. Thanks for the heads up. Your post was great!
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Thanks, Linda. I appreciate it.
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Neil, in my humble opinion THIS IS YOUR BEST POST EVER. The most thought-provoking and it shows off your writing chops. Also, you nail it with your closer: “I believe, for instance, that being loving and kind absolutely is where it’s at, and that said behaviors are the keys to a fulfilling life.”
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Amy, thank you!
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I welcome your words of wisdom, Neil, and have read that paragraph several times over now. It does sometimes take a lifetime of trial and error to learn the best of us, doesn’t it? I say this as a good friend hopped a plane to console her daughter in another state, who is struggling to deal with a surprise pregnancy, a friend’s suicide, a broken marriage, and who knows what else. I hope this young woman can find some positive directions in her challenging life ahead. As an avid library fiction reader, I often find pearls in these representations of life stories. They are not so different from real life.
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Greetings, Ruth. The young lady you mention is facing more distressing situations than anyone should have to deal with. Hopefully she’ll eventually pull through okay.
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Thanks. I believe she’s a resilient soul. TIme will help.
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I like your book analysis and your humor ! )
In friendship
Michel
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Bonjour, Michel. Merci beaucoup.
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