“As usual, you’re late!” my psychiatrist, Dr. R. U. Forereel, correctly and forcefully noted. “Neil, your chronic tardiness is a sign of, of, of . . . of what? Oh, who knows, who cares? Have a seat, Neil. Let’s get started. I’m waiting with baited breath to hear what comes out of your mouth during this session. Or not.”
Gingerly I settled into the large chair that, from a distance of ten feet, faced its twin, upon which Dr. Forereel sat. This being the Age Of Coronavirus, we both were masked. “Doctor, I’m sorry,” I said. “I try my hardest to arrive at your office on time, but something always seems to come up. Today it was a freak accident. Here’s what happened: When I got into my car to drive over here I very forcefully attempted to push the seatbelt buckle into place. But somehow I misjudged what I was doing and ended up stabbing my private parts real good. Holy crap, Doctor, that hurt! I managed to stagger out of the car and back into my house, holding the damaged goods as discreetly as I could. I hope none of the neighbors saw me. Anyway, the boys and the mighty sword are all bandaged up nicely now. I’m good to go! Actually, I lie. If I have sex before the year is out, it’ll be a miracle. In any event, it’s truly amazing that I’m only 20 minutes late.”
“Your privates will be in my prayers tonight,” said my psychiatrist almost sympathetically. “They deserve better, I’m sure. Now Neil, tell me what has been weighing on your mind since our last monthly session. Don’t tell me everything, of course. My eyes will have no trouble doing their glazing-over thing if you do. So, let’s stick to a highlight or two.”
You see? That’s why I like Dr. Forereel so much: she doesn’t feed me bullshit, she’s more or less honest with her feelings, and she cuts to the chase.
“Okay, Doctor. Yes, something has been bothering me quite a lot. It has to do with my blog. You know about my blog, right?”
She shook her head in disbelief. “Of course I know about your blog. You bring it up in one context or another at almost every session! Neil, listen to me. Even though your blog is dear to your heart, I’ve tried to show you that you actually are in conflict with your writerly side. Writing puts tremendous strains upon you, and they are without a doubt unhealthy. I’m talking about the anxiety that you feel in trying to develop story ideas, and the mental and emotional exhaustion that leave you as limp as your once-mighty sword after you complete each article.”
“Neil, in my professional opinion you should change direction and not look back! Take up some other activities in writing’s place. Knitting would suit you just fine, for instance. It’s comforting, it’s creative, it’s a form of meditation, you know. And maybe it will improve your manual dexterity, so that you don’t stab yourself in your genitals ever again. What’s more, nobody in a million years would miss the trifling essays and attempts at humor that you fill your website with. Cyberspace is overflowing unmercifully with content. You should do your civic duty and help to declutter it. Stop writing, in other words!”
“Doctor, I tend to agree with you. I’m pretty well spent, but I can’t halt just yet,” I said. “You see, my next story will be my 250th. Shit, Doctor, I can’t not publish number 250. Pardon my French, by the way. Two hundred and fifty articles is a big milestone. I’d be tremendously disappointed in myself if I stopped at 249.”
“You’re kidding, Neil, right?” she asked. “There would be nothing for you to to be ashamed of were you to hang up your spurs right now. If you did, you would be demonstrating excellent sense and judgment. And 249 strikes me as such an ideally oddball number. In that sense it suits you perfectly!”
“Points taken, Doctor. But getting back to what’s been bothering me: I’ve been racking my brain to try and come up with a story idea for my 250th piece, but no luck. My mind has gone desert-like. What should I do, Doctor Forereel? Can you help?”
She looked at me long and hard, and took a few seconds before responding. Then she said this: “Neil, I doubt that I’m equipped to help you discover story ideas, unless you’re interested in writing about the deep underpinnings of your psyche that we’ve uncovered at our sessions. But they’re awfully boring, truthfully speaking, aren’t they? Nobody would want to read about them, I’m sure. Let me say, though, that part of your problem, without question, has to do with aging. Let’s face it, Neil, you’re an old f*ck — pardon my French — and writing doesn’t become easier as one’s hourglass empties and empties. That’s true for just about everything, right? Knitting excepted, of course.”
Those final comments brought me up short. Though I didn’t want to be, I was reminded that life is fleeting, no matter how long you live. My jaw sank. My eyes dropped. But my mind awakened. “Dr. Forereel,” I said, “believe it or not, you’ve just presented a fine idea to me. My 250th story will be about the preciousness of life, about how we should appreciate what we have, and that we should do our best to live joyfully. Thank you, Doctor, thank you.”
“Neil, I am delighted to have been of service. And a quick glance at the clock on the wall tells me that our time is up once again. Don’t bump your accessories into anything on your way out. They’ve suffered enough for one day. I’ll see you a month from now. And don’t be late next time!”
(Please don’t be shy about adding your comments. Dr. Forereel and I would appreciate it.)
Yeah, Another Blogger 
Congratulations on your 250th post. That’s a fantastic achievement, and what an inspired idea for an article. Very pleased to see Dr Forreal making another appearance—I’m a big fan—but I do think her advice is a little off this time. There are plenty of people in the world, myself chief among them, whose lives would be poorer without your regular essays. More to the point (pun intended), if you follow her advice, you’d been running the significant risk of stabbing yourself in the genitals with a knitting needle. I don’t want to even think about that!
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If I take up knitting, I’m going to be very careful!
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250 is halfway to 500, so you’d better get busy. Forget about knitting. George has a good point about stabbing yourself.
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Hello, Audrey. Well, 500 is a really long way off. We shall see.
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Your mind has maybe gone desert like but mine has gone dessert like – all show and no substance. 😉
Congratulations on your 250th! And yes, I would like to read another 250. 🙂
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Hi Lynette, and many thanks.
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Does Dr. Forereel do virtual sessions? I could use some sound advice. 🙂
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Hi, and thanks for stopping by. No virtual sessions for her. She’s old school.
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Hey there Neil, I’ve heard ti said the first 250 essays are the most difficult. So now you can coast.
Be careful – have a great day. Jerry
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Hi, Jerry. Thanks for being such a loyal reader. I think you started reading my stuff right about when I began this website (April 2015). I appreciate it!
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Oh, I fear I detect a number obsession in there somewhere, the impossibility of ending on 249 when your heart tells you that 250 would be a more suitable, tidier, more refined, a place with a more proper sense of finish, of ending. Of course, you will go to 251 and then the chase is on to find another suitable finishing line – 300 is not really that good and 400 is sort of neither here nor there; 500 has a certain resonance to it but…. Yes, off in the distance there is a more appropriate number! There’s where we will go.
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Paddy, you’re putting a lot of pressure on me!
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1,000 is a good number, I think!
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congratulations:
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Nice of Dr Forreal to offer her opinions and I agree with George. 250 Neil..what an achievement. Keep on writing, buddy and steer clear of knitting needles or any sharp objects.
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The doctor might be correct about knitting being a good fit for me. If I start knitting a sweater or whatever, I am going to be very, very careful about how I handle those needles. Hi, Jane. Take care.
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Chuckling, Neil. I’ll lend you some needles, as people keep gifting me theirs. Don’t ask!
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Congrats 🎈🍾 and the doc is right, knitting is scary, you could put an eye out, you’re better at spinning a yarn. And 250th is a “sestercentennial” you don’t want to end on that note, it sounds weird and nobody knows what it means. Hang in there Neil, lots of neighborhoods still to explore, you still need to explain King of Prussia and Brynnn Mawwr and other Philly area weirdness to people. Why does Schuylkill water taste that way, and what sober person would spell anything that way, lots of topics still to explore.
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Sestercentennial? Robert, you’re among the small group of people who ever heard that word before!
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250! Well done Neil! Life is truly both fleeting and precious.
Take care and keep writing,
Suzanne 😊
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Thanks, Suzanne. For any of us, it’s always interesting to see where writing takes us. It’s a pretty mysterious process.
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Neil, agree with all of the above – especially the knitting needles: yeesh! Robert has a few good story ideas for you in particular. Keep on writing and Keep the good doctor on her toes!
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Dr. Forereel is pretty tough, but it’s what I need! (maybe)
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Wow amazing!
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Hey there, Joyce. Gracias.
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Congratulations!
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Many thanks, Dave.
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A great way to mark your milestone, a very witty and creative post, perfectly executed. Though I don’t think knitting is a very good idea: given your track record you’re almost certain to spike your goolies before the week’s out! 🙂 (Am I allowed to say “goolies” on WordPress? We’ll soon find out)
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Hi. I still haven’t made up my mind about knitting. Overall I’m not very klutzy, so I think I’d be okay with those needles.
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I got my morning chuckle complements of the doc and her client.
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I never know how my sessions with her will end up. They are very unpredictable!
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Congratulations on creating 250 interesting posts despite all the anxiety and exhaustion that go into each one! You are a hardy warrior!
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I’m kind of amazed that I’ve written as much as I have. But writing keeps me out of trouble!
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Congrats, congrats! Really, quite an accomplishment.
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Thanks, Laurie. I feel pretty good about it. Now it’s time to move on to number 251!
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Onward, ho!
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Many congrats on 250 posts, Neil!
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Hi, and many thanks. Much appreciated.
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Mazel tov, Neil! Sometimes your entries don’t have a point, but one that mentions knitting needles has to have at least two. Thanks for the 250 smiles and words of wisdom.
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Debra, your comments are better than my stories!
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Don’t let her pull the wool over your eyes! Keep writing!
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Onward!
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That is a wonderful achievement–250! But your doc had a point about 249. It’s a semiprime, a palindromic in base 82, and a lot more. If you were to stop, 249 would have been a spectacular stopping place. 250–not nearly as exciting a number.
But I might want to keep this opinion to myself… Except it’s too late…
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A palindromic in base 82 — Jacqui, you’ve lost me, but I’m very impressed by your knowledge! Thanks for adding your thoughts. I appreciate it very much.
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I confess, I googled it. First, I thought it might be a prime (which would be cool) but it wasn’t. I should have stopped there!
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Get an ice pack on Mr Johnson right now!
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Why didn’t I think of that?!
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Congrats Neil! Love the message at the end.
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Hi Kathy, and many thanks. Have an excellent day.
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wonderfully hilarious! I chuckled all the way through 🙂 :)thanks Neil, for a cheerful start to the day
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Thanks!
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Once in a while when you write you are able to communicate fairly clearly to another person. That is a big deal.
Good work so far bud, keep it up.
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Hi. I’m glad you enjoyed this piece. See ya.
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Congratulations on your 250th story! Dr Forereel gave me a giggle 😂
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She’s a piece of work.
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Congrats on 250 posts, Neil!!
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Mucho gracias.
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If your next post is a picture of a half-knitted sweater I shall worry!
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Me too.
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Your appointments, on the street or in the office, are always a delight.
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Thank you, thank you.
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Mazel Tov, 250 is a milestone. Onward and forward!
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Thanks a lot, Eden. I’m still in the game, despite my psychiatrist’s recommendation.
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First of all, don’t take up knitting. If you can do that much damage with a seat belt, I shudder to think of what you would manage with the sharp end of a knitting needle. So my advise is never, ever, attempt to knit anything. Ditto crochet, because that involves sharp hooks. You’re welcome.
Secondly, congrats on 250 posts! That’s a huge accomplishment. And while it doesn’t make for an even number, I’m looking forward to reading your 251st post soon.
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Thanks, Ann. You know, Dr. Forereel’s advice seems to be off-base a lot.
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Please continue writing Neil.
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Thanks, Basia. I’m still at it.
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“My thoughts and prayers are with you and your private parts” doesn’t get said as often as it should.
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Yes, one never knows what will come out of Dr. Forereel’s mouth (or out of anyone’s mouth, for that matter).
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Congrats! I’m afraid to count all mine … but the number is probably far fewer.
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We’ve all written a WHOLE lot of words.
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Congratulations dear.
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Many thanks!
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My pleasure.🌷
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Congratulations, wow. Maintaining quality and quantity. ‘Your privates will be in my prayers tonight’: witty yet menacing.
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Hi, and thanks for the thumbs-up. I appreciate that.
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250 is quite an accomplishment. But think of how warm you’d be this winter with all of the sweaters you’d have if you’d taken up knitting instead. Seriously, keep writing. We need you.
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Hello there. Thanks for adding your thoughts. In re knitting: decades ago a pro football player (Rosie Grier) made it known that he loved to knit. He went on various TV shows and demonstrated how to knit.
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LOL
Congrats on 250 !!
What a send-off, too.
Nothing beats, for me, reading this line: “Your privates will be in my prayers tonight.”
LMAO
The rest was just the cherry on top!!
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You know, I’m liking that line more and more myself
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WHERE do you come up with these things? “Your privates will be in my prayers tonight.” Edibles? 🙂
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Hello, Kay. Thanks for the visit. This, I think, was Dr. Forereel’s second appearance on my site. I’m curious about what she might have to say in the future. See ya!
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Congratulations on the 250 – Quite an accomplishment.
Ironically I’ve just spent this evening knitting as yes, it can be highly therapeutic and comforting! Perhaps you could do both?
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Despite what the doctor says, I’m pretty sure that knitting isn’t for me.
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Bravo! And a great, humorous post, too. Don’t stop blogging–go for 500. You have a gift!
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500? Well, I suppose there’s a chance. Hi Tyler. Thanks for being a loyal reader. Have a great weekend.
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But the doc got it wrong in the end. Writing improves with age. 🙂 And if you can knit, you can type. 🙂 Congrats on the 250th story!
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It’s become clear to me that I have to determine if I should stick with Dr. Forereel.
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Wrong! You don’t run out of story ideas as you age. The longer you live the more stuff happens to write about. Congrats on your 250th. I haven’t counted mine, I’ll have to do that.
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Hi there. Over the last couple of years I’ve slowed down in coming up with story ideas. But enough of them find their way to me to keep me satisfied. Take care, and thanks for stopping by.
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Congratulations Neil! Your stories are always so personalized and entertaining. I always enjoy.
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I appreciate that a lot. Thanks, AOC!
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💗🍃Your shares help us to appreciate our neighborhoods and how to be adventuresome. Thank you again Neil!☕️☕️
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250 stories! Fantastic! Congrats on this milestone.
Let’s raise a glass to 250+ more. Cheers! *clink!*
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Thanks, Ruth. Onward we all go!
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Wow! Congratulations on your 250th Post! You have me in stitches! Here’s to the next 250 …
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Hi Annika, and thanks. Appreciated.
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Congrats Neil…enjoy composing many more…smiles and joy your way Hedy ☺️💫
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Hey there, Hedy. Thanks for the good wishes. Have an excellent upcoming week.
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Congratulations! 250 posts is a huge milestone. I can relate to your concerns (well, except for the seatbelt injury issue), although Dr Forereel is kinda harsh in her advice. Cheers to the next 250! Ciao, Cristina
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Yeah, I know what you mean about Dr. Forereel. I’m kind of sensitive, and she doesn’t always take that into account when she talks to me. Enjoy the upcoming week, Cristina. Thanks for dropping by.
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“My 250th story will be about the preciousness of life, about how we should appreciate what we have, and that we should do our best to live joyfully.”
Excellent advice Neil! As Joe “our only hope” Biden says: “Stay focused folks. Let’s get to work.”
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Biden must win! Trump is despicable.
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Like. (WP probs continue, sigh)
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Equally didactic and humorous. Bravo Neil! 👍🤗
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Many thanks. I appreciate that a lot.
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