“Doctor, you’ll be pleased to know that I don’t have any major problems to discuss with you today,” I said to my psychiatrist, Dr. R. U. Forereel, at the start of our most recent monthly session. “But there definitely is something that’s perplexing me.”
“Neil, I’m happy that you’ll be taking it easy on me,” she replied. “I’ve had a rough week, what with patient after patient yapping away about their lives, complaining about this, that and the other thing. What is wrong with these people anyway? I’m sure that I don’t know. Don’t they realize that life isn’t a bowl of cherries, let alone a bowl of oatmeal? I tell you, I should have listened to my parents and become a dairy farmer instead of going into medicine. Cows aren’t demanding. Oh well, live and learn. Neil, let’s proceed. Time’s a wastin’.”
“Funny you should use that word, doctor,” I said, “because time is precisely what I’d like to talk to you about. It’s moving too fast, isn’t it? Why, you’d think that 2021 has a fire cracker up its ass, pardon my crudity. Before we know it, Santa Claus will be shimmying down chimneys all around the world. And a week after that, 2022 will have arrived.”
“Your perceptions are interesting and valid, Neil,” said my psychiatrist. “Did 2020 also move quickly for you?”
“Indeed it did, doctor, despite all my worrying about COVID. But 2021 is zipping along faster than any year ever has. What gives?”
“Well, how can I put this politely, Neil? Hmmm . . . a quick glance at your patient information chart reveals to me that the last time you might have been described as a spring chicken was five decades ago. To put it another way, your glory days are ancient history. Here then is the bottom line: You officially are old as shit, pardon my crudity. And it’s been proven that, as the years pass, time moves unusually quickly for a particular segment of males in the old as shit category, far more so than it does for anyone else. Sadly, you are a member of said segment.”
She sighed and shook her head, gazing, with pity in her eyes, at the abundant prune-like creases on my face. Then she said, “Neil, I refer you to the writings of Albert Einstein. Apparently, you are not familiar with his Specific Theory Of Relativity For Heavily-Wrinkled Old F*ckers, a brilliant treatise that explains how time affects those gentlemen with your dermatological condition. Pardon Professor Einstein’s crudity, by the way.”
“You are in your life’s homestretch, Neil,” she continued. “This is true even if you manage to hang on for another 25 years. And as if that isn’t bad enough, your remaining years are absolutely going to zoom by so fast they’ll make 2021 seem as though it had been in slow motion. Poof! In the relative blink of an eye your days above ground will be over. All of what I say, of course, paraphrases the Specific Theory, which I urge you to read. Einstein certainly was a genius, no? Fascinatingly, he was a prune lover too.”
“Holy crap, Dr, Forereel! You’re bumming me way out! What am I to do? I feel one hundred times worse than I did when we began today’s session.”
“I’m so sorry to be the bearer of truths, Neil. And I would like to help you dissolve the bleakness that you’re experiencing, but I’m afraid that this session has reached its end. Please try to keep your chin up. It’s sagging, you know. I hope to see you in four weeks.”
As down in the dumps as I’ve ever been, I shuffled out of her office, got into my car and made my way home. Not surprisingly, I arrived there in no time at all.
Yeah, Another Blogger 
I keep reminding myself to enjoy it now because tomorrow I’ll be another day older. Sigh.
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Yeah, we need to grab onto fun where and when we can.
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It never ceases to amaze me American obsession with paying for someone to listen to their problems. Surely it would be cheaper to tell yourself each morning: “I am wonderful, great, and doing well”? Also. keeping busy doing things for others (volunteering) makes people happy.
Joanna
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Right — volunteering in capacities that one likes is one of the best ways to spend time. It’s personally rewarding and helps out other people.
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I am so glad that you agree!
Joanna
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Wow, that Dr Forereel doesn’t pull any punches does she! Plenty of years left in you yet, Neil, I’m sure. Hang in there. Bruce Springsteen needs you.
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Hi, George. Dr. Forereel sure can be acerbic and intimidating. And yet, I stick with her. Maybe I need to re-evaluate things?!
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No stick with her, I’m a big fan.
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Hi Neil, I do love your posts. You are so ‘human!’ I don’t know your actual age, but believe me, you’re a ‘babe’ compared to me…. I was seven when World War 11 started. Work it out! My so-called ‘biggie’ will be in May next year – help! As for time whizzing by, oh doesn’t it just! I often say to my nearly 94 year old husband…’It cannot be Monday/Tuesday, et al., ‘ tomorrow, can it?’ Perhaps if we sat in a corner and contemplated our navels, it might go slower, but how boring that would be! Let me tell you about my amazing ‘other half.’ Whlle his biggest problem is ‘dead legs’ when walking longer distances (which he resists) he still drives like Stirling Moss, and if anyone dares ‘cut him up’ he’s on that brake like a shot. When we retired to Spain, he requested he do the cooking ‘To get my own back…’`(cheek!) and, mainly, shopping, luckily has a retentive memory and does countless crossword puzzles. Did I tell you he wrote his Memoir a few years ago? I edited it and we had it published. It’s called ‘A Life Worth Living’. I urge you to do the same, Neil – I’m sure it would be a great hit. You can put me down for a copy.. Lack of enough energy is my biggest problem, but we are enormously lucky to have made it thus far (both beat cancer way back too.)! It’s wonderful to go on walks, as you do and soak up nature’s many blessings. Keep up the good work. Cheers! x
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Joy, you and your husband are amazing people. I tip my hat to both of you. By the way, was that your husband tailgating me at 50 miles per hour earlier this morning?
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Thank you, Neil! I read husband your remark and he looked sheepish but said ‘Not guilty!. I was in the supermarket at the time!’ Tee hee. Cheers. Joy x. .
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I can’t help but remember the Internet meme that compares life to a toilet paper roll. The more we use the TP, the faster we reach the end of the roll.
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That’s why it’s a good idea to buy mega-rolls of TP.
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Hilariously true. You know what I mean.
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Yeah, life pulls no punches.
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“I hope to see you in four weeks”– if I’m lucky & time’s flies don’t eat you first. Live it fully & forego Forereel.
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Hey there. I’ve been seeing Dr. Forereel for so many years, I’m extremely reluctant to part company with her. But I’ll give it some thought!
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So why doesn’t time fly when the car is stuck in the traffic jam on the autopista?
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I know what you mean. I think that there’s no answer to that one.
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That time flies is so true, and I’m most surprised that even Covid didn’t seem to slow it down!
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Right. As worrisome and disorienting as things were, prior to vaccines coming to the rescue, time zoomed.
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Sooo true. I guess time flew even more during Covid because nothing happened. Work (home office in my case), lockdown, mostly home, no travelling, no going out to movies or restaurants for a long time, avoiding people, waiting for vaccinations. One day like the other … months flew by and sometimes I have to think very hard whether it’s been this or last year everything started. Days and months just blurring together …
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Let’s hope that the pandemic peters out. It sucks!
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Sad but true
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You’re not kidding.
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I hear the Rolling Stones are going to tour again. Maybe sex, drugs, and rock and roll is the Secret to beating time.
Fun post.
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Hey, Bob. There’s a Stones song, though, that puts everything in perspective. It’s titled Time Waits For No One.
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Though didn’t they also do Time is on My Side. Must have been when they were really young.
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Hi. The song I mentioned came out about seven years after the one you mentioned, I think. See ya.
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It’s a sense of humor that keeps you young… You’ve got it!
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Hi, Ruth. Yeah, a good laugh now and then helps!
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My problem are photographs of myself. I seem to look okay in the mirror, but for some reason photos tell a different story. No more second looks from young, attractive women anymore, that’s for sure. (Not that I remember many second looks even when I was younger.)
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Keep looking in the mirror, and stop looking at your image in photos!
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LOL – you’re such a gifted writer. I enjoyed that post (and can SO relate, alas). Let’s enjoy the days to come, even if they arrive/go in a blink. Time is precious, even if fleeting. Take care, my friend.
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“Time is precious, even if fleeting.” — Tyler, this statement is truer than true.
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It’s all true tough, innit–life speeds up when you’re older.
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There is no holding back the hands of time, that’s for sure.
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Same for women as it is for men, and I will try to keep my sagging chin up, too. Time certainly is relative, isn’t it? 😉
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Young kids never, or rarely anyway, think about time. But that changes as the years mount up.
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Sure does!
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Very funny and astute, Neil! It does zip by faster these days but, as the saying goes, “Consider the alternative!”
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The alternative frigging sucks!
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I feel your pain, Neil.
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Ouch!
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Neil, your amusing but relatable post reminds me of a book I heard about recently: Over The Hill, You Pick Up Speed. 🙂
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As my friend Joyce noted above: Sad but true.
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My father wanted me to be a psychiatrist because he thought it would bring in a lot of money with no work. In fact, he offered to get a psychology degree so he could handle all the patients while I played golf. At the time, i didn’t think I understood people well enough for a career in therapy, but after hearing the words of your therapist, I believe I could have managed it. However, I still don’t like golf.
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Sam, it’s never too late (or is it?). Start pursuing a degree in psychiatry or psychotherapy!
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Humor wins the day anytime 😀 The beauty of our warp speed days is that the holiday season and favorite times of the year comes around so fast. Savor each moment before its gone.
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Right. As they say: Life is for living.
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As Laurie said, it holds true for women as well as men. To quote Jackson Browne, “They say, in the end, it’s the wink of an eye.” My problem is knowing that how I look today is the best I’ll ever look! 🙂
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Afternoon, Paula. Thanks for your input. I think you will be an exception to the way things usually go. In other words, 20 years from now you’ll look even better than you do today.
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My friends and I were talking about this just the other day! The older we get, the faster time goes. It shouldn’t be that way (someone call a physics profession), but it is.
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professor, I meant. The other thing about aging is that your fingers hit the wrong keys sometimes and your old eyes don’t notice it until you’ve already hit “send.” Trust me on this.
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The thing I’m always worried about is that I might hit the Publish button for a story that’s still in draft form.
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So this is Einstein’s other theory of relativity. Good one.
I like his quote about aging and dying: “I want to go when I want. It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I have done my share; it is time to go. I will do it elegantly.” Words to live and die by 🙂
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Thanks for adding the quote, Sandy. He had a strong perspective on existence, that’s for sure.
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She’s not exactly Dr. Feelgood! This piece shines with your wit! It’s delicious and I love your last sentence!
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Thanks a lot, JT. Appreciated!
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Forereel must be forestalled! I may have recommended before you take up an interest in the game of cricket, which the English, not being a spiritual people, invented to give them some idea of eternity. Mind you that’s according to George Bernard Shaw, who was Irish.
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I remember talking about cricket with you. I’ll never understand the rules!
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OK gotta lose Dr. Forereel, she’s a licensed buzzkill. Well you could tell people you’re officially categorized as a Coprolite, that sounds pretty upscale and classy, better than old as s… (They have a whopper in the geology museum in Ithaca, that’s where I picked up that word)
“Neil Scheinin, SW Ret’d, Errant Wanderer & Raconteur, Coprolite Society,” sounds pretty high-end, right?
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Robert, I really and truly like the way you think.
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Thanks, Neil, for pointing us to that little known Einstein publication. I’ll be sure to chuck it out–oops, I meant check it out. Yes, there is that rumor that life’s a one-way trip, so grab all the gusto (amid other things!) you can. Btw, did 2021 really happen? I got busy with a lot of mind-numbing screw-ups caused by those first 10 months of COVID and … I just looked up. Is 2021 really almost over???!
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Amy, 2021 has been zooming at supersonic speed. In what will seem like a matter of days, I expect to be watching Philly’s New Year’s Eve fireworks display at the Delaware River. Happy New Year!
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Hahahahaha I laughed my way through the entire blog post. Thanks! I’m more or less in the same boat but if we can’t laugh about it, what’s left??
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Hi. Laughter helps. It blots out some of reality’s starkness!
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If old age is just a pigment of the imagination, color me wrinkled.
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“Pigment of the imagination” — that’s an excellent expression and an excellent pun.
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Glad to see Dr. R.U. Forereel back. I’m suffering from the same ailment as you. Thanks for the giggle.
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It’s odd that prunes and people can have something in common!
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Hello Neil, As a wise man said long ago, “Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it goes.” Happy Thanksgivivg. Jerry
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Morning, Jerry. A very Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
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Very funny but you are right, where has 2021 gone? I too was going to mention the life is like a roll of toilet paper analogy, but sniderjerry got there first. So true.
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Your time may be speeding past you, but one of the things I like about your posts is that you enjoy life as it passes by.
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Hi. I try!
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Time has certainly gone by quickly over past 2 years in a pandemic. And it’s not because I was even having a good time! I think life is speeding up as we age.
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Zoom!
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I wonder if the fact that time seems to be flying by the older we get is good or bad. Would it be better if it seemed to be slowing down? Maybe when we are healthy and happy and our days are filled with satisfying activities. But how about in cases of disease and suffering? Surely that would not be so desirable.
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I guess you’d have to say that time is hard to pin down. It’s flexible and malleable and impossible to understand — for me, anyway.
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For me as well, Neil.
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Brilliantly observed and written (as usual!) Neil. I empathise totally (three hours ago the postman – mailman on your side of the Pond I think – delivered a letter advising me on the State Pension I can expect to receive from HM Government early next year. In summary… the Good News is that I’ll be getting a bit more money next year. And now the Bad News: I’ll most likely be too old, exhausted and decrepit to enjoy spending it!) We’re both reaching the endgame, I fear, so let’s agree to laugh in the face of our inevitable demise.
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“Let’s agree to laugh in the face of our inevitable demise” — perfectly said!
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I cant help visualizing Mel Brooks acting out those last few comments. Perfect face to receive all the great uplifting news. I am still laughing. I knew a cop named R. U. Forereel.
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You know, my psychiatrist once told me that she has a part time job as a cop. Small world that you and me both know her!
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I once left these words in an off-handed comment on another person’s blog. After I wrote them, I liked them so much I did a copy and paste, and I drag them out every now and then for a re-read:
“I’m down to about twenty years now, give or take, and getting in shape, preserving the good health I have, and not wasting time on the stupid, the boring, or the irrelevant is right up there on top of my list. If I manage to avoid stupid, boring, and irrelevant, I’ll have plenty of time for what’s important.”
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Hi. I like your approach to life. Life is for living, as the saying goes. Thanks for adding your thoughts. Appreciated!
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hilarious; sadly Neil I can relate to this but I like the lighthearted approach to the topic 🙂
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We are old, and still having a good time.
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we are too, Neil; life is good; our kids all grown up, retired, companionship ,,, 🙂
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This post reminded me of my past happy moments and how fast things can change!
I have also started blogging recently it would be very encouraging if you can peek into my new blog post🥰
Thank you 🤗
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Gosh Neil: Get another shrink. If she doesn’t know that females, who are old as shit find that time flies faster than they can keep up, she doesn’t know shit. (Pardon my being crude.) Cheers, Muriel
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You tell it like it is!
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Life doesn’t pull any punches — neither does Dr, Forereel. Very engaging post – I will definitely be back!
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Hi. Thanks for visiting. My psychiatrist tells it like it is!
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LOL
I miss self-deprecation and a healthy sense of humor.
Thank you.
Lotsa folk out there today who take offense to everything could learn a lesson here!! 🙂
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Thanks very much, Stacey. I appreciate it!
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Oh, I can so relate! It’s scary how fast life is passing. Thanks for the humorous spin on it!
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Hi Kimberly. Whatever the heck time actually is, it’s moving WAY too fast.
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Dr. Forereel has a fairly accurate grasp of the situation. Basically, we’re f.ucked!
Unfortunately, I’m coming late to your report of your monthly visit as our telephone landline has gone kaput and won’t be repaired for another fortnight – possibly by being replaced with fibre optic cable. In the meantime the telecommunications company has sent me a wireless modem and I am back in communications again after a fortnight or so incommunicado.
To add to my woes, I’ve changed to a new laptop but have lost all my favourites in “Reader” but found you after a short search! I’m glad to read your thoughts again!
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Hi Paddy. You’ve been experiencing technology’s dark side. I’m glad that the mess has been partially corrected, and that full repairs are within sight. Thanks a lot for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.
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It flies for we old women as well…sigh…
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Yeah, we’re in the same boat.
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…in the middle of the ocean, with no oars, and a small but steady leak. lol
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Hilarious!
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Thanks you, thank you.
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So true Neil. What do they say, “Getting old is not for the faint of heart?” I don’t know, but it sucks for sure, lol.
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Michele, I wish we could turn back the clock.
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Ha! I loved the way you ended this.
We were talking about this very thing at work the other day, how time feels like it’s speeding up. Why is that?
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Einstein had the answers to your question!
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