My Lips Are Sealed!

Like all good citizens, I believe in heaping praise on those who deserve it. That’s why I’m giving a real big shout-out right now to my perceptive editor, the one and only Edgar Reewright. When it comes to the writing game, I’d be lost without him. Edgar watches out for me and tries to keep me on course. Thank you, Edgar!

Edgar demonstrated his concern very recently. Last week, in fact, when I sent him, via email, a book review I’d just written that I was convinced would be a worthy addition to Yeah, Another Blogger. Twenty seconds later he called me.

“Neil, you’re out of your f*cking mind!” he said before I could say hello. “You can’t publish this piece. A few glances at it showed me that you’d be making a huge mistake if you did. You know why? It’s because you’re taking on a subject that’s totally uncharacteristic of and inappropriate for your publication.”

“Listen,” he continued, “you have a cultured, discerning audience. None of your readers would want to read your review of Nomore Limpdikk’s book Getting Hard The Aztec Way. Sure, this might be Limpdikk’s masterwork, like I think you remarked in the review, and undoubtedly it is a valuable addition to the scientific literature about erectile dysfunction. But you should stick with your flimsy pieces about the walks you take, the music you listen to, blah, blah, blah. Your readers seem to enjoy that sort of stuff, so give them what they’re used to, for crying out loud! Why is erectile dysfunction on your mind, anyway? Do you have a problem?”

“Who, me? Edgar, I’m as powerful as a bull, I’ll have you know. Or maybe not, but none of that is any of your damn business! On the other hand, you should be aware that your business is all over town. I’ve heard it through more than one grapevine that your bedroom performances, are, shall we say, lacking.”

There was a long pause before Edgar responded. He broke the silence by calling to his wife, Loretta, asking her to come upstairs and join him in his home office. I heard her footsteps growing nearer.

“Yes, dear?” she asked.

“Sweetie pie,” Edgar said to her, “I have it on good authority that the situation involving my once-mighty sword has become the talk of the town. Who have you been blabbing to? Your mother? Your loose-lipped girlfriends? Loretta, I can’t believe that you’d do this to me.”

“What are you saying, Edgar?” Loretta answered. “I never talk to anyone about our sex life. You know as well as I do, though, that you can’t keep your mouth shut when you have your goofy friends over to play pinochle. So, one of those guys must have spread the word. Maybe more than one of them.” Receding footsteps then told me that she was leaving the room.

“Edgar, are you there?” I asked ten seconds later.

“I’m here. I’m here,” he said. “But I don’t know what to do. Neil, I think I need your help.”

“Edgar, help is my middle name. It’s a good thing that I read Getting Hard The Aztec Way, because it contains information that will solve your problem. Nomore Limpdikk is a brilliant man, a researcher non pareil. If you’d done more than glance at my review, you would understand that. How is it that nobody over the last 500 years, before Nomore investigated the subject, knew that performance-challenged male Aztecs ate the leaves of the bonerium cactus in order to remedy their sexual deficiencies? The leaves contain chemicals that take effect almost instantly, and the results are startlingly good. Why, Nomore Limpdikk proves that today’s ED pills, such as Viagra, are pitiful compared to the wondrous bonerium.”

“Neil, I’m flabbergasted. And I’m relieved to learn that better days for myself are a real possibility. I’ve tried Viagra, you see, but I’m the one-in-a-million male that it has absolutely no effect upon. Bonerium cactus leaves are what I need! Where do I get them?”

“Edgar, they are hard to come by, because nobody is cultivating them commercially. Not yet. But they can be found here and there in the Mexican deserts that the Aztecs once occupied, Nomore says. And, as luck would have it, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. Well, you get the picture. Within a week a shipment of the magic leaves will arrive at your doorstep.”

“I can’t thank you enough, Neil. This is the greatest favor that anyone has done for me since my third ex-wife, as part of our divorce settlement, agreed to let me keep our collection of pet rocks. I’m going to repay you by waiving my editor’s fee for the next two years. Thank you again. And please promise me two things. First, that you won’t publish an article about erectile dysfunction.”

“I promise,” I said.

“Good. And second, that you won’t mention our conversation to anybody.”

“Edgar, my lips are sealed!”

114 thoughts on “My Lips Are Sealed!

  1. KT Workman February 15, 2022 / 12:29 am

    Ha! And they say women gossip. My first husband couldn’t keep his mouth shut about anything. lol

    Liked by 2 people

      • KT Workman February 15, 2022 / 7:08 pm

        Remember the old joke about how to get news around was by telephone, telegraph, or tell a woman? It sort of ticked me off because I knew men gossiped just like women. It isn’t unique to either sex.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. SandyL February 15, 2022 / 12:35 am

    Very funny. You almost got me … until I read it & sounded out the words 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. gabychops February 15, 2022 / 1:40 am

    This is the funniest post I have read for some time! Thank you!

    Joanna

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Paddy Tobin February 15, 2022 / 5:28 am

    A prickly topic that one!

    Liked by 3 people

      • Denise Denton Thiery February 15, 2022 / 1:55 pm

        I have a risqué sense of humor, which I inherited from my late mother. I usually manage to restrain myself in my blogs. Except maybe my early one about the time I confronted a flasher while hiking. You can still access it from my blog, but you’d have to scroll pretty far down. It’s titled (appropriately) The Flasher. Anyway, I really got some laughs from your blog. Thanks.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Jacqui Murray February 15, 2022 / 10:31 am

    Forewarned! I will be cautious of what you and I say to each other in the future!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Robert Parker February 15, 2022 / 10:54 am

    I’m sure you have a soft spot, if you’ll pardon the expression, for Edgar. And he called us “a cultured, discerning audience”??! Cool! we got good taste like Charlie the Tuna!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Fran Johns February 15, 2022 / 12:14 pm

    I am SO sorry this wasn’t published before the NYTimes, family newspaper that they are, came out with their recent Sunday Magazine cover story about sex over 70. Of course, I realize that I am probably the only (way) over 70 person in your Group . . . But still, this sharp – shall we say – review of Dr. Limpdikk’s scholarly work would have greatly enhanced their reporting.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 15, 2022 / 1:55 pm

      Speaking of the Times: I’ve heard that Limpdikk’s book is selling well and will enter the Times’ bestseller list very soon.

      Like

  8. Rosaliene Bacchus February 15, 2022 / 1:27 pm

    Poor Edgar! How does he put up with you? But I must admit that your sense of humor is contagious 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 15, 2022 / 2:15 pm

      Well, he puts up with me because I pay him very well. But, if he’s a man of his word, he won’t charge me for the next two years!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. annieasksyou February 15, 2022 / 1:52 pm

    Oh, no! Are we going to be deprived of your “flimsy pieces, blahblahblah” as you leap into the fantastical world of fiction?

    Liked by 2 people

  10. ellie894 February 15, 2022 / 2:13 pm

    I’m glad you didn’t listen to Edgar! Thanks for the giggle! ☺️

    Liked by 2 people

  11. JOYCE HAMILTON February 15, 2022 / 3:02 pm

    I like your walks, photos and music better 🤣😅🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  12. iglengel February 15, 2022 / 4:17 pm

    Quite an imagination there. I am considering changing what it is I write about but don’t think I’ll go in that direction. 🥴

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 15, 2022 / 5:24 pm

      Hi. I’ve gone in various direction on my site, but this particular direction, I think, is a first for me.

      Like

      • iglengel February 15, 2022 / 5:44 pm

        I guess it is whatever floats your boat. Me, I’m not sure which direction I want to go. But we shall see.

        Liked by 2 people

  13. Anabel @ The Glasgow Gallivanter February 15, 2022 / 5:06 pm

    Poor Edgar! Remind me never to tell you any secrets 😉. Nomore Limpdikk is good. We had a less-than-stellar politician here whose name is Richard Leonard, and a political blogger who just seemed to get his name wrong every time he mentioned him. Amazing how many crazy combinations of R and L he came up with. If he didn’t include Limpdikk, he should have!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Liza February 15, 2022 / 6:49 pm

    Hmmm I think perhaps Edgar is an alter ego, invisible friend, in any state, he/it/you are hysterical!!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. johnlmalone February 15, 2022 / 10:32 pm

    hahahahah; your self deprecating humor excels itself in this one, Neil; btw I must get a copy of that book 🙂 will mention it to the library’s acquisition unit :O)

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Platypus Man February 16, 2022 / 10:53 am

    The famous 19th century English writer titled one of novels “Hard Times.” Your hilarious post brought it to mind. Can’t think why, though. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  17. stargazer February 16, 2022 / 4:21 pm

    Haha, that was brilliant! I feel bad for your poor editor! 😆

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Cindy February 16, 2022 / 8:59 pm

    Edgar’s medical problem should not be too surprising to your astute readers–the first two letters of his name are also the acronym for his unfortunate condition. You have a very fertile mind, Neil! 😄

    Liked by 3 people

  19. D. Wallace Peach February 17, 2022 / 10:27 am

    LOL. I knew this was going to be fun right from the first mention of Nomore Limpdikk. Hehe. And the gossiping guys cracked me up. So true! Fun post, Neil.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Jeff the Chef February 18, 2022 / 10:02 am

    Wait, there are people immune to Viagra? I’m surprised Pfizer hasn’t found a way to have them locked up.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 18, 2022 / 12:43 pm

      I wonder how much money Pfizer makes each year from Viagra. Millions and millions.

      Like

  21. selizabryangmailcom February 18, 2022 / 12:54 pm

    So glad you were able to help Edgar in this comical farce!

    I also find it ironic that the powers that be spent their time creating “perforamce” enhancement drugs when cancer has yet to be cured!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, Another Blogger February 18, 2022 / 3:45 pm

      Afternoon, Stacey. Yeah, science/medicine still has a long way to go. But they’ve accomplished a lot. Maybe ways will be found some day to treat just about every disease and illness very effectively.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Diane Henders February 20, 2022 / 3:28 pm

    Bahahaha!!! Laughed from start to finish. The part about the bonerium cactus was positively snort-worthy.

    I’m pretty sure I used to own the opposite kind of cactus – it was long, skinny, and flopped sadly over the edge of its planter to dangle onto the desk. I named it ‘Dick Prickly’. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Pam Lazos February 21, 2022 / 2:11 pm

    Neil, you are hilarious. Don’t forget the Aztecs also are the hearts of the sacrificed and had bloody pits where they stashed the remains, so even with their high math and Aztec calendar. I wonder about their moral integrity. 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Margaret February 24, 2022 / 1:20 pm

    Over from Ally’s. I hope your humorous piece isn’t going to attract all the ads everywhere about male enhancement or other…products. I get them on my cell phone and have never looked for anything like that, being a female of a certain age.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. The Misadventures of Widowhood February 27, 2022 / 11:28 am

    Ally Bean sent me over to check out your blog. Thanks for adding a little humor to my day.

    Liked by 1 person

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