I’d been vaguely kicking around friends-centric story ideas for a few days when, on Monday of last week, none other than David Schwimmer popped up on my TV screen. He was a guest on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. Schwimmer, as many people know, was one of the stars of Friends, an immensely popular American sitcom that ran from 1994 to 2004 and whose episodes have been rebroadcast on traditional television channels, and have been available on various streaming services, for years.
Even though I’m almost completely ignorant about Friends, having seen a grand total of maybe six minutes of the show, I took Schwimmer’s appearance to be a forceful cue from the WordPress gods. Who wouldn’t have? I was not about to give those deities, famed for being short on patience, any opportunities to wreak vengeance upon me. Hence, the following day I lowered my bony ass onto the chair beside my computer and began to peck away in earnest. What follows, then, is all about friends.
Man, if there’s anything I’m sure of, it’s this: You can’t have too many friends, good ones especially. We’re social creatures, after all. Just about everyone, anyway. We want to feel loved and appreciated. And we need to laugh and shoot the shit and, when necessary, to be comforted and helped. The more close friends we have, the more regularly and satisfactorily those requirements will be met, and the more at ease and comfortable in the world we will be. Of course, having but one good friend absolutely will suffice. The game of life, though, becomes merrier and richer when multiple individuals who meet the good friend description are within our orbits.
I’m fortunate to be able to say I have a pretty nice number of good friends. I can depend on them and they can depend on me. I’m talking about my wife and some other relatives, and a bunch of pals to whom I’m not related but with whom I share mutual love and similar wavelengths. I have nothing whatsoever to complain about.
Still, I worry a bit about my situation. That’s because it has been many, many a moon since I formed any friendships that have gone beyond the casual stage. Much to my amazement, I made several good friends while in my early 60s. Since then, however, not a one. I’m now well past the halfway point of my 70s, and wouldn’t at all mind having at least a couple more people to hang out with, folks whose vibes and interests mesh with mine. But how the hell might I meet them? By striking up conversations with strangers? By enrolling in adult ed classes whose subjects wow me? I suppose so. I sure can’t think of a lot of other ways. The odds, though, are that my circle of friends will not expand. Seeing that we reside in an ever-expanding universe, however, everyone’s circle of friends automatically would follow suit if it were up to me.
Many songs have been written about friends and friendships. I’d like to conclude this contemplation with two of them. You’ve Got A Friend, composed by Carole King, would be an obvious choice. But I’m going to go with others I prefer to the King opus.
In 1968, a very low point in their career, The Beach Boys released Friends, an album as beautiful and calming as a forest pond. It barely made a dent in the record industry’s sales charts. One of the relative few who bought it back then, I quickly fell under its spell. From it, naturally, I’ve chosen to present the title song, a sweet thing in waltz time written by four members of the band (Brian Wilson; Carl Wilson; Dennis Wilson; Al Jardine).
We’re Going To Be Friends (written by Jack White) is my second pick. The tune appears on White Blood Cells, an album thrust into the world in 2001 by The White Stripes, a now-disbanded duo composed of Jack and his then-wife Meg White. Best known as thrashing rockers, The White Stripes had a gentle side too, as We’re Going To Be Friends demonstrates.
For your listening pleasure, here are those two celebrations of human connectivity:
Yeah, Another Blogger 
I made a couple of very good, later life friends also; one is younger than my youngest child, so wonderful friendships can still come along when you least expect it. But I also agree that my friend-making years may be drawing to a close. Interesting post, Neil.
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I think it’s great to have friends who are much younger than ourselves. None of my non-relation friends are all that much younger than me. But I’d love to have some who are.
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Interesting read. Yes joining some groups does help make new friends. But having the same wavelength is hard to come by. It takes years to form such bonds no doubt.
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Hi. It’s not easy finding people we’d want to spend time with regularly. That’s my experience, anyway. Thanks for stopping by. By the way, I don’t know who you are. You’re listed as Anonymous.
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I really enjoyed this topic as we are planning a 60 Year high school reunion this year. When I was 15, my family moved from Milwaukee to Seattle, so I had absolutely no friends in an era without social media. Nobody ever shunned me but cliques were already in place where I went to school.
When I made friends, I developed really strong bonds with the ones from the last couple years of high school and the first two years of college, including my wife. They are our closest friends today. We had friends in law school, in the workplace, at Church, in neighborhoods where we lived, and with parents of kids in class with our children. But those relationships were more transitory and superficial. And nothing like the early bonds which revolve(d) around shared activities, like softball, running, hiking, biking, skiing, card games, plays, dinner clubs, travel, and some volunteer work. No one person does all of that, of course, and we are aging out of more, but a strong overlap exists among a fairly large group of people in our orbit.
I remember my paternal grandmother was lonely after her husband died and they outlived the one couple they were friends with. We included her in our Saturday activities but she finally found some happiness at the Senior Center during the week. I cannot imagine being lonely like she was but I am still 16 years younger than when she died. So who knows?
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Thanks for the input, Geoff. Loneliness for sure is a potential worry. Many people are lonely at one or more stages in their lives, unfortunately. By the way, my 60th high school reunion is this year too. I have two close friends from high school days, and they aren’t going, so I probably won’t go.
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I’m in a similar boat, Neil and of a similar age. I have a good circle of friends and a close family but am also aware I’m not making any new friends
; I’m in a writers group and am joining a book club so that widens the possibility of new friends but for sure, relationships are very important; no one wants to be left alone —
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Hi, John. Yeah, I need to join one or two groups of some kind or other. That’s probably the best way to potentially make new friends.
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It’s been a rough year for friends for me with a couple dear pals passing. Perhaps that’s why friends have been on my mind lately. As always, life should never be taken for granted as there’s no telling when our friends or our time will be up. I think it’s harder for us as we age to make new friends. Older folks don’t typically get out as much, which gives them fewer opportunities to meet new people.
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Hi, Pete. Right, it takes concerted effort to put ourselves in position to possibly make some new friends. I’m not great at that. I plan to try harder. We shall see.
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Thank you, Neil, for the wonderful and thought-provoking post! As ancient Romans said:
“Without friendship, life has no meaning!”
Joanna
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The ancient Romans were correct.
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Yes, Neil!
Joanna
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Amen for having a friend and more. I have been fortunate to know a few who put up with my shenanegans and pie-in-the-sky ramblings.
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Hi, and thanks for adding your thoughts. Is this Swabby? — I’m not sure, because you’re listed as Anonymous.
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Great topic. I often think you can tell what people are like by the quality of their friends.
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Hi. I think you’re right, because we usually tend to form friendships with people we are on pretty similar wavelengths with.
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A thoughtful blog, Neil, and an interesting one. More especially, it is an insightful and open one. Though of similar age, just a year or two behind you, I have not been a collector of friends over the years and Mary the same. She was an only child and I also in a sense as I was the youngest by many years in my family and never gelled with my older brother and sister – and not yet to this day! I have had friends over the years but generally related to a particular situation – those I studied with, work colleagues and later in life those with whom I share an interest. But, none has lasted beyond or outside its context. So, we here are two peas in a pod, happy together and not in search of others.
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My experience is very similar, Paddy. Maybe it’s an only child thing – yes, I’m one too! I do wonder sometimes if I’m missing out, but know I can’t change who – or what – I am, and remain relaxed about the status quo..
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We grew up with plenty of time on our own and became used to that and contented with it, I think. I enjoy company but one can have enough of it.
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A similar state of things here. I have friends in particulars contexts, but that’s it.
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You and Mary are happy together — that’s the main thing and a very important thing!
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A great post, Neil. I think the whole social media “friends” deal diluted the meaning of the word.
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I think people can get a lot of comfort and happiness from online friendships. But it doesn’t compare to having true, real-life friends.
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I agree, good friends are great to have. I still have two from my younger years (one school, one university) but as someone else noted, since then friends have come and gone with circumstances (change of job, change of city). I would say I have pockets of friends, rather than one circle, small groups or individuals met in different ways. The last new friends I made were in 2022 when life was returning to normality. Having experienced the sudden shutting off of face to face relationships I felt life was too short to hang back and, uncharacteristically for a shy person, risked reaching out to two people I didn’t want to lose from my life. As for social media, I have at least two friends who have spilled over into real life. So I am happy with my lot!
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You’re doing great in the friends department!
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Being of a similar age, I can relate to all that. I’m very proud of the fact that I have never watched a full episode of Friends – just not my thing. A lot of people know a lot of people they call friends, but true friends are as rare as rocking-horse manure. My fave would be Carole King. Women make friends more easily / readily than men. There ya go!
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That’s an interest comment — “Women make friends more easily / readily than men.” I never have given that much thought. But now that I think about it, I have a feeling you’re right.
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Nice one today. Friends are important and making new friends can be a challenge. Well, making new friends isn’t the challenge I think. It’s making new “good friends”. I’ve had the good fortune to make a few in my most recent decade – I’m 69 now. Keep at it.
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Yeah, I need to start a friends-making project. Maybe it will be successful.
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I have never watched an episode of Friends, and have no idea why it’s so popular. I’ve never made friends easily, and now I’ve retired from work I rarely meet new people, so the chances of adding to my list of “good” friends (which could be written on a postage stamp with room to spare!) is pretty damned close to zero. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be popular, and to hang out regularly with folk of a similar ilk, but I guess I’ll never know. Sad but true.
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Hi. I get the feeling that you’re happy, which is the most important thing.
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That’s true 🙂
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David Schwimmer! I remember him from Friends! What an interesting and thoughtful article. At over forty, I’ve learned both the importance of good, trustworthy friends, and also how to let go of quasi-toxic, unhelpful friendships, too. I think it’s been a learning curve for me, and I prefer quality over quantity now, although my husband is my one and only best friend, hands-down! 😊 💜
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Hello there. Having your husband as your very best friend means you are well-positioned in life!
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I think late-in-life friends are more meaningful. There’s a maturity there that we don’t have when we’re younger, and perhaps more respect for one another.
Nice choice of music, mate. Good way to start the morning.
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Hi Richard. You know, there are quite a few songs about friends and friendships — I checked out some online lists. I really love the two I included with my essay.
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I just read “The Anti-Social Century,” an article by Derek Thompson in this month’s Atlantic, talking about how many, many US citizens are more solitary now than ever before. I’m glad to read your words about friendship (and happy to listen to the music you shared). And that is a dilemma: how does one make friends when there’s no work or school to mandate interacting?
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Greetings, Pam. Thanks for stopping by. I guess I’m going to have to make a decent effort to try and meet new people. Maybe I’ll join a club of some kind, or a discussion group. If a good friend or two were to emerge from doing that, I will be very happy.
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I hope that possibility comes true!
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First, I really enjoyed both songs, neither of which I had ever heard before.
I have had a small number of close friends, and have not been good about making new ones. Sadly, two died young so they are dwindling. I need to do a better job of staying in touch with the ones who are left.
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Hi, J P. Making new friends is hard for most people, I think. Including me.
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There are people with whom I get along, but basically I’m a solitary person. I used to enjoy having a houseful of husband’s family staying for holidays, but post the Covid isolation I don’t think I could cope with it any more. The isolation was reinforced.
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Hi. I’ve read that Covid affected many people’s social lives similarly to yours. I sense that you’re content and happy, which is by far the most important thing.
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Hi, Jerry, and thanks for sending this video. It’s good to hear from you.
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That’s lovely. Thanks for sharing. Writers’ groups are a great place to make new friends who share my interests. That includes Zoom meeting groups of writers.
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I definitely need to look into joining a group or two. There might be groups of interest to me that meet at my local libraries, for instance.
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I find it difficult to make friends. Those I have, have gone out of their way to be my friend and they are very good friends. Quality over quantity in my world.
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Hi. You have more than one good friend. So, you’re doing well!
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Great piece, Neil. I’ll have to revisit that BB album, only heard it once, years ago. Friends are definitely important. I’m lucky in that my wife is my best friend, but that also makes me lazy re making other friends. I also suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, which makes retaining friends difficult. 🤣 Oh well.
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Hey there, Pete. Give a listen to the Beach Boys album. There are some beauties on it, such as Little Bird and Wake The World.
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I probably have only one really close friend with whom I share everything — the uppermost level of friendship, as it were. Then, a level down, I have a handful of others. Each level down gets more populated. But still in all, my posse has shrunk mightily over the years — mostly due to people moving away, shifting family responsibilities, etc. I think the trick is to hold on most tightly to those at the uppermost levels. It sounds like you’ve been able to do that, Neil.
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Hi, Paula. You make excellent points. You have good insights, and you also have a lot of friends!
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You gotta listen to those WordPress gods. Nice story!
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Messing with the WP gods is a big mistake. They are no joke!
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Good post, Neil. A lot of us oldsters have this same situation. In my case, I don’t mind. Everything takes so much longer to do, I don’t have that much extra time anyway!
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I can tell from your articles that you are content and happy. And you are spending a lot of time doing what you love to do. Writing, primarily!
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I’ve always thought volunteering – especially opportunities where you return again and again – has great potential to develop new friendships. The pool of people you’re with are likely decent folks since they chose to volunteer in the first place. And there’s a lot of time for chit-chat since whatever you volunteered for is likely mundane and/or repetitive. Maybe I just identified a 2025 resolution for myself. I need to volunteer more.
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You’re absolutely right about volunteering. I have done lots of volunteer work over the years, but no strong friendships have developed from that. Unfortunately. Maybe I’ll look into adding an additional volunteer job — There might be a potential friend or two there.
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Great post Neil. You’re right, friends are vital to having a full life. I have a small group of very close friends. We don’t live close together anymore, but I still know I can count on them for anything. I’m also finding that it is more difficult to make these deep connections as we age, but maybe I’m not trying hard enough either. Maggie
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Hi Maggie. I guess most people make friends mostly at school and at work. Many older people aren’t in school or working, so making friends becomes harder. That’s my experience, anyway.
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I’ve actually gotten to be very good friends with a number of people my children’s age (some are my children’s friends) or younger. This is a good move when you’re as old as I am (full steam into nonagenarianism) since contemporary friends keep vanishing into the great beyond. I mostly meet new friends through causes for which I’m forever agitating — which proves agitating isn’t all bad. I also simply love reaching out. A lot of great good people are hesitant to reach out, and are happy to find themselves on the receiving end of a reach. Go for it! (Plus, e-friends are a lot of fun, like my e-friend Neil
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Fran, you are an amazing individual.
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Hi Neil, I don’t think I’ve ever heard that Beach Boys song before, so thanks! Friendly Greetings from the Frozen North!
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Hey there, Robert. It’s freezing where I am too. I’m not enjoying winter too much. It’s about 15 degrees F right now, and will go down to about 8 degrees overnight. Brrrrrr!
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Hope all the brass monkeys found someplace warm for the night!
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A post close to my heart, Neil 🙂 Friends, we all need them. I’ve also found it difficult to make new friends as I age, especially as friends of my generation transition to the Other Side. I’ve observed that making new friends depend upon our ability to contribute something deemed worthwhile by others.
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Yeah, I couldn’t be meaningful friends with a Trumpster. That just wouldn’t work.
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Lovely piece of writing and some great music, especially the second piece. thank you. and yes, friends are extremely important at all stages of life.
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Schools should have required courses in life skills, including the importance of making and keeping friends. Those courses would be a hell of a lot more important than chemistry or physics, for example.
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Thought provoking. I enjoyed both songs!
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Hi Joyce, and thanks.
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The sitcom is good fun, you should give it a try! Personally, I prefer a handful of really good friends rather than a huge amount of more casual acquaintances
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Hello. Anyone with a handful of close friends is a fortunate person!
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Oh golly. I doubt I could make any new friends at this point in my life! I’ve grown accustomed to solitude. I guess the pandemic made me a ghost! Good luck! You seem like a fun guy to know.
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Hi. I’m going to give it a shot. But I doubt if anything will develop.
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That is odd you haven’t met any new friends recently! Especially since you are such a social person. My guess is that as we age, it gets harder to meet new people and really connect? Or is it just because we are now so digitalized that meaningful human contact is harder to find? I don’t know, but I do hate the thought that I’m reaching the age where I can’t make new friends!
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Hey there, Ann. I’m pretty comfortable with my social life. But having a couple of new friends would be fun. Where might I meet potential friends, though? I guess I would have to get involved with organizations, take classes, etc. Another way would be to meet people thru friends I already have.
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Enjoyed this poignant piece Neil but had to laugh at only watching 6 minutes of Friends – that’s 6 minutes more than me!
Friends are a two-way relationship. Sometimes I’ve found that people you thought were good friends really aren’t. You keep doing things for friends (being there, phoning to make sure they’re OK, etc.) but it’s one-way. Although I’m not unreasonable and don’t expect a friend to phone weekly/monthly, it’s nice to get the occasional call and not have to always be the instigator. Am I ranting now?
I’ve seen people in their ’80s very alone because they didn’t make the effort to have friends when they were younger. Especially during later life, friends are critical.
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Hi. Yeah, friendships can be tricky and make us scratch our heads, wondering what’s going on. The older we get, though, I think it’s best to hold onto the friends we have, even if the relationships aren’t perfect.
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Very true Neil.
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You’re not ranting Nilla, I have the same issue with Les’s sisters all one way. Even booking a place to stay near them doesn’t seem to make a difference they still require us to drive to theirs. Now I’m ranting LOL. No, I wasn’t a fan of Friends, though I have watched a few episodes over the years.
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I guess it’s the different personalities. If some people can’t make the effort, then they’ll end up very lonely.
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It can be very annoying when a relationship is one-way, that’s for sure.
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I think as we age, we just don’t find ourselves in as many situations where we might meet new friends. My writing critique group helped me with that:)
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Hi Becky. Thanks for adding your thoughts. I think you’re right. It takes real effort to put ourselves in situations where potential friends might be found.
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It does! I was never all that good at it, and this gets more challenging as time goes on.
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I still remember the day an acqaintance said, “Eventually, the day comes when you realize you’ll never have another life-long friend like those you bonded with in your youth.” That’s so true, and I think it’s part of the reason new friendships become less common as we age. It takes time and shared experiences to form deep, close friendships — not to mention a certain level of energy. At this point, all of my close, long-time friends have died, and the half-dozen close friends I’ve had for shorter periods of time are fun to be with and utterly dependable: but it’s just different.
That said, I tend not to feel any lack. I suspect part of it’s a result of being an only child. Early on I became comfortable entertaining myself and being alone, so the compulsion to be constantly socializing I see in some people is foreign to me. And age does play a role. At 78, I don’t have that many years left, and there’s so much I want to do before I depart this mortal coil that friendliness with those around me ranks higher than seeking out new friends. Odd, I suppose.
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Your comments are better than my story, Linda! I don’t agree fully with what you said, though. I think that later-in-life friendships can be just as strong as those from many decades ago. They do take time — at least two years, maybe— to develop meaningfully, though.
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Friends aren’t always people you hang out with. Sometimes they are an old high-school chum who moved to Oregon and you talk to him a couple of times a year, but every time it feels like you’ve never been apart. Sometimes it’s a blog friend who expresses your own emotions and experiences in an original poem or humorous essay, or rants about stuff that you think but wouldn’t dream of saying publicly. Of course, the friend who rides with you every weekend and shares her gripes about her husband and listens to your own complaints, comes to the forefront of your mind when you think friend, but peripheral friends are there for us too. One of the beauties of ageing is that we’ve known people, like the mail man, so long that they feel like friends. Perusing the comments on this post makes me think you have more blog friends than most people have friends!
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Hi Judy. I think I tend to agree with most of what you said. You’ve given me a lot to think about!
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Good friends can be really important and meaningful in our lives. I think we meet people who we are meant to meet, not a coincidence. Sometimes our situation and circumstances limits who we meet. Like if you come from a fairly small place, there’s only so many people you can meet in one day or have meaningful engagements with.
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Hi, and thanks for the input. For many or maybe most people, it’s not particularly easy to find folks with whom we mesh comfortably and enjoyably. Good friends, I guess, are those with whom we can just be ourselves.
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Friends… I think we all have some “old friends,” people who have been in our life for years. While nice, sometimes we both know, our friendship has run its course. We don’t have much in common, we don’t talk much, but we will ALWAYS be friends. That’s when NEW people come in our lives in different ways. Those new people bring a new brightness to conversation and life. For example, my daughter is in a philosophy course. She was giving a presentation and invited me. I sat next to a woman, who seemed to be a bit grumpy. LOL – we size each other up. Turns out, when we got into groups to discuss the topic, she and I had so much in common, similar personalities, it was SO FUN. This was last year… GUESS WHAT… my daughter said this lady asked for my number, she wants to call and meet up. I was very excited about this. To your point, we do need friends and new ones, it gets us out of our comfort zone and getting old, it’s easy to feel a bit sad, as we can’t do everything like we did when we were young. SO… I think that YOU just writing about this topic, will BRING a new friend in your life SOON. LOL, I see a post in a few months… Well, a little bird did sit by me on the park bench. Just kidding, for sure, as you think of this, the Universe listens. Have a great day.
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Hello there. Thanks for the input. You have some excellent insights into the nature of friendships. As for that little bird: I hope it’s right!
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Nice post! We have made a lot of potential friends since moving to our farm! That is, like-minded people we really like, but we see them rarely and so don’t have to opportunity to share our daily lives like we used to do with old friends. That also comes with growing older – some like us have really aged parents or grandchildren to babysit, and some are unable, for health reasons, to live so far from medical facilities.
Planning to listen to your two songs tomorrow, they sound good!
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Hi. It’s great that you have a pool of potential friends. Some solid friendships likely will develop over time. Thanks a lot for adding your thoughts. Take care.
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Heard and enjoyed the music. Thanks! The Beach Boys one has a strong Beatles vibe.
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I enjoyed this post very much. You have posed a question I can relate to. The very deepest and longest friendships for me have stemmed from my younger years, and although I have formed several social friendships later on, there is just one very firm friendship I have made since turning 70. But, don’t be afraid to talk to strangers, I do all the time, and have met lovely people young and old.
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Hi. Striking up conversations with strangers sure doesn’t come naturally to me. But I guess I need to do it. It can’t hurt!
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Love, The White Stripes!
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I’ve not kept in touch with friends throughout the years, though in retrospect I should have, and my pool of friends is pretty small now. It’s not easy for me to make friends as I’ve gotten older. I often find myself sticking my nose in a book rather than joining a conversation, but reading your post makes me think I should put the book down, at least for a little bit, and join in.
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Hi. I can relate. I’m not an ace at making friends, which is why I’m thankful for those I have. I hope that somehow I can make at least one or two additional close friendships before my time is up. We shall see.
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This is such a wonderful post.
It’s always so weird looking back and thinking of how a friendship came about. It’s also crazy to think that someone so important to you was once a stranger. There was a point in your life where you didn’t even know this person existed. You went through life thinking you had everything you needed when in reality you had no idea that you were lacking such a great friendship and even a chunk of who you are.
A few years ago as we moved into a new place we met our elderly neighbour who lived a few doors down from us. After a couple of unscheduled and scheduled meetups over the last few years, we slowly became good friends despite having a 35-year difference. This just goes to show that you should never judge a book by its cover. You honestly don’t know anything about a person or their character until you have sat down and had an actual conversation with them. You can assume what you want and think you know a person, but give them a chance.
I hope your new year is off to a good start 🙂 Aiva xx
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Hey there. I can tell that you’re a very open-minded person. That outlook definitely increases your chances of making new friends. Take care. See ya! Neil
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🥰🥰🥰
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As a young man, I worked for a boss (who later became a friend) whose advice to me was always to cultivate friends who are both older and younger, both female and male. Your story brought that wise counsel back to me, and I count myself lucky, like you, to know what friendship is.
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Your boss was 100% correct. A lot of people don’t follow that philosophy. Those who do are better for it.
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Life is undoubtedly better with lots of friends and I have made many new ones over the last year whilst working in a charity shop. We work and chat all day long. The social life (after hours) is pretty good too. Who would have thought?
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It’s great when things work out unexpectedly well. Hi. Have a good upcoming weekend!
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Friendships are elusive and ephemeral in my experiences. Most are based on one thing, like work or volunteer opportunities, then fade away once those experiences are in the past. I’m glad you have some good friends now.
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When I think of the various friends I had, but no longer have, it kind of startles me. I wonder if any of those people think of me now and then. Maybe.
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Well, I’d venture to say that we’re friends, Neil! I’ve had to broaden my definition of what friend is, and I’d say you fit one of the categories. In today’s social media world, it doesn’t even matter if you’ve met the person in real life (irl as they say).
I also think it’s worth mentioning that we should begin to develop intergenerational friendships, especially because we’re living much longer today. It’s important to have friends across the age spectrum.
Anywho, didn’t mean to give a whole-ass speech here lol But this topic sparked my thoughts.
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Hello, friend! And I agree with you about intergenerational friendships — I don’t actually have any, outside of my family, but I’d like to.
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